2003-01-31 12:21:13 ET

Okay, so I'm trying to quit smoking cigerettes for real. I'm going to copy down and analyze what I have written on a little pad of paper that I'm keeping with me. The words that I write on this pad of paper are paraphrased, incomplete ideas that sort of come and go. When I quit smoking, these concepts fly through my mind and it starts to delude my concentration. So I'm trying to see if this approach can help. Anyways...

"feel like so many opportunities are fleeting"
I have a problem with this issue. I feel as though I'm not assertive enough in my actions because of the fear that I'm not fast enough to catch what it is I'm reaching out for. I understand that opportunities arise infinately and what comes into my scope is based upon what direction I'm looking. This same general feeling conflicts with me knowing other people. People move in and out of my life so fast. I fall in love with people and it hurts to watch them dissapear. I get that feeling of having lost a genuine opportunity because I didn't act out quickly and efficiently, which thus leads to anxiety and fear of relationships containing any type of emotional depth. But emotional depth is what I long for. I dream of someone who will stay, maybe not forever, but just a little while so that I may let down this guard and feel enough security to let myself go.

My problem lays in my detachment from intuition, which leads to another passage I jotted-down:

"thinking something is obvious, but is hidden; thinking something is hidden, but is obvious."
My unperterbed, untouched intuition is capable of handling everything that comes to me. But I'm not accustomed to thinking clearly. Therefore, I make assumptions and later evaluate things based upon these assumptions. That is, until something comes up and smacks my punk-ass to the pavement. Then I remember to forget. I let everything go.

"Hold on, that's what they say, but I say open up your hands and let it fly away, 'till the day comes back when it was meant to be, take a look at the lovely gift the world has sent to me."(aceyalone)

"The Way to Fail Successfully" Today, I cleaned out a library, and saw a book with this title and thought it was fucking genius. We are taught to succeed, which we rarely do. We should be taught also to fail, which is likely to happen more than success. This seems like looking at the yin/yang and seeing one whole.

Can you fucking believe that shit? That's a real song, with a real copyright! Someone sat there and wrote words and music and all that shit, and probably got all happy and horny off of it, feeling all proud that they came up with such a cleaver chorus. 'Jesus is a rock?' The fuck is that? Why would you compare Jesus to a lifeless piece of sediment? I UNDERSTAND that it's supposed to mean strength, but fuck, there are way-better methods of conveying power. And 'Rock of Ages? That's a bitch-ass title, undoubtably written by a bitch-ass human. However, my roomate Josh sings this song to me and it makes me die laughing.

Okay...too much, too much words. I need to move and stay active and breathe and drink water and be friendly to everyone and be real to myself and stay calm and stay strong and stop going on and on and on.........

2003-01-23 19:49:23 ET

I've joined this awesome figurative drawing class in college. I found myself a tiny bit stressed from the work I was doing in class, so on break, I opted to walk around.

As I was wandering through the school campus, I stumbled upon the area where they study plants and botanicals and whatever. I've never seen this area before, for it is well hidden. So I walked into this fenced off area, feeling really cool 'cause it was dark and I felt like I'd get in trouble or something, and I saw a flower growing from a tree.

As I approached this tree, I noticed more and more flowers of the same type. Beautiful yellow flowers, big and welcoming. I put my face up to the flower and smelled what I think is the most beautiful smell I've ever encountered.

The smell was so delicate and pure. I stayed with my face in this flower for what turned out to be 15 minutes, inhaling with my nose and mouth so that I may taste as well as smell this aroma that was so subtle yet entirely captivating.

Oftentimes, beautiful smells make me think of beautiful objects, such as women, or places, or whatever. This smell worked me over. It took my frontal mind away and illuminated my heart. I gently thought of delicacy and how it seems that such delicacy is rarely manufactured, rarely presupposed or intentionaly brought fourth. Delicacy is something that happens unintentionally, something that is inherent, natural, and beautiful for no reason.

It was nice and it helped me.

(I didn't cuss once on this post! WOW!)


Words on the Obvious
2003-01-18 17:50:04 ET My roomate and best-friend JOSH has taken an interest into the etiquette of proper wine tasting/indulging. There's a lot to know about wine. Everything is multi-tangent in this world. (Ed: Daniel is pretty drunk off Cabernet right now, so just relax)

It seems as though our world and human consiousness is being consumed by the nature of in-out, 1's and 0's, digital processing. For the most part, this tactic works wonderfully. Yet it still seems that it cannot be wholly reduced to such abstraction, that every indiviual component, no matter how far you break it down, still maintains a sort of fractal-esqe nature. I take comfort in this ideal, however bland and regular it may seem.

I've been thinking of chemicals lately. I've read a little out of this book my dad gave me about the history of color. In that book, it explores the medieval techniques of achieving color and paint substance and it very much is a chemical process, thus pushing the 'artist' to the level of 'chemist.' Okay, whatever.

My point here is that I think the future of artistic expansion is chemical interaction. I think the artist of the future will use the medium of chemical influence to make his/her point known, through a medium likened to taking a drug. This chemical substance would be created by the artist and would perform results to the artists' liking, to create an effect of somesort that would express what the artist means to convey. And like all art, this chemical would have different effects on everyone who encounters it.

Reviewing tendencies of the 20th century, primarily conceptual art, this concept doesn't seem far-fetched to me.

What I like best about this idea is that the artist becomes a sort of drug-manufacturing mechanism that can't be caught 'cause the drug itself is the art, plus the drug will, ideally, be original in form.

I don't really know how exactly how it'd be done.

Let us not forget that we are on the brink of a new step in human evolution. Nano-eloctronics, Molectronics, all that shit. The idea that you can organically manifest memory storage that supercedes all known processing powers that we have as to date. That's increadible.

My opinion is that what is happening now politcally w/ America or whatever is not for instant gratification, but for future development. The administration isn't looking to solve an immediate solution; they're looking to stake their claim to the up-coming dawn of humanity. Shit's gonna change drastically, and they're setting up their bases, getting ready to take hold of that shit.

Genome shit. Hey, check out Hewlitt-Packart...they've actually been innovating nano-electronics since the get-go. Them and IBM. just like General Electrics manufacturing warheads for the government.

Let me get emotional for a second:

I would love to have someone to hold right now.

That is all. Peace the fuck out.

The sunshine is beautiful.

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