sorry for being so fucking whiney (fuck::part two, see below)    2002-11-01 13:16:08 ET
::for the record this is what happened last night::
izzy came over from CT and we dicked around at my house for too long getting ready then we went to qxt's where i got TRASHED. i was a gangster/w pinstripe suit (hey, didnt you wear this suit *last* week?) tommy gun and gangster hat, and later on, toothpick.. attendees: insomnia (candy/cigarette girl) , digit, deathcondition, wintermute, plague. drinks: toxic waste, red devils, rumplemans. some coconut shit that tasted like hell. mikey showed up and more drama packed up on top of the previously existing drama and then mikey left and i got to hear about online drama. this was when i decided that 6 shots was a good idea. i woke up this morning feeling like shit and late for work... inadvertantly made izzy(digit) miss work too.. see i'm a bad example... im that girl your mom warned you about. the world is still fucking spinning and now im just glad its the weekend again, it feels like cheating, going to club twice. haujobb/hocico is saturday (if anybody else posts how much the haujobb/hocico show will be 'bangin' dont bother; WE KNOW ALREADY. the couch skumme will be kicked out this weekend and i may get my DSL back. i may go play dungeons and dragons with Biomechanic in a few... im back in avoidant mode; 20 min ago i was realistically thinking about where things were going to go and that resulted in another bloody awful misery post *see below* that i will not delete but will apologize for. sorry, guys.


 fuck    2002-11-01 13:02:25 ET
i cant win. not against myself.

drank myself into the fucking ground last night. somewhere inside of me there is a tiny speck of something- maybe i swallowed it when i was a kid- that wants to die. it was feeding off of shots of toxic waste in a basement in newark new jersey. it loves it there.

"only you can kill your brain..."

the seeds of self destruct start early. the decisions that matter have already been made, they are tiny tiny priority calls that happen before the situation makes the curves tighter and the road slippery. i chose to fuck it up when i picked up the first shot, not the sixth.. not when i threw my gangster hat across the room, gesticulating wildly with my tommy gun my distress (see also: drama) and collapsing in the seat. the decision had already been made.

i am capable of doing things beyond human morality because in a sense everything has already come and gone everything is already dying or dead. i have been fighting a losing battle for months and win by technicalities. it does not matter what i do. ::see also/ kirosawa's 'drunken angel':: . i am like new york, always going to hell but somehow never quite gets there.


"Case knew that at some point he'd started to play a game with himself, a very ancient one that has no name, a final solitaire. A part of him knew that the arc of his self-destruction was glaringly obvious to his customers, who grew steadily fewer, but that same part of him basked in the knowledge that it was only a matter of time."

/////william gibson - neuromancer

i get what i want. i always do, i just either 1. dont realize that i wanted it or 2. go about getting it indirectly. the most common method of me getting what i want isnt through discipline, or debonairre, its self sabotage. if i hate my job i lose my keys or show up late or drunk or not at all and each time it seems as unavoidable as the sun rising. if my expectations are not being met *or my expectations have changed while i wasnt looking* and i am not happy i WILL find a way to sabotage things...
being cryptic rocks.

the danger is, if the death wish becomes strong enough.. my life looks like its about to fall apart, money is not good, personal life is FUCKED, getting kicked out of ap't.. job is bad again... whats keeping my subconscious from making me step out in front of a car? its a frightening thought, but so many other 'coincidences' are happening i cant ignore it.

my life lately has been such polar fucking opposites; im feeling *slightly* more creative, my friends rock... my weekends have been great 10 weeks in a row... but it looks like that may fall apart.. it feels like that may fall apart; maybe im just hung over and shouldnt make profound statements about my world view in this state of mind.

:only you can kill your brain:

 mixed reviews of your mom: the long awaited weekend report    2002-10-29 17:44:58 ET
okay on one hand i had a terrific weekend, however it threatens to be overshadowed by the horrific roommate situation.

Digit and Anima Infirmary came down to NYC for the weekend to visit myself and Insomnia.... the itinerary:

Friday- Pick kids up from Grand Central; go home and have Insomnia-cooked PASTA!!! then go out to the 'brooklyn rivet spot' which is an area across the water from manhattan (pretty! esp. at night!) in the back yard of an abandoned transit power plant, theres even a couch set up... brooklyn reprazent... then off to Web2Zone for the 24 hour lan party (the one i designed the flyer for!)... we didnt mean to stay up all night playing video games but free caffiene beverages (bawls, trying to be the new jolt, sponsored) and adderols and stacker2's helped.. they also helped my concentration. the things i was doing in quake towards the end were downright godlike.. it felt as if i wasnt the one holding the mouse (scary...) posessed by the god of 1337... cracked out at 5am myself and digit took a cab home.. we couldnt sleep so we stayed up all morning talking like 13yr old girls at a sleepover. about music, beauty, god... although they may be the same thing... and i have infinite respect for anyone who is as passionate about something as Digit is (music)... we were woken up by multiple Biomechanicphone calls to go with him and Anima to Army-navy stores... Bio got a new hat, we met up with Furax.. and then we all went to QXT's, in newark, new jersey... *new jersey reprazent*... we had a GREAT time, the music was awesome, everyone was there... there seemed to be a shortage of sluts but i think thats b/c the boi's were staying downstairs where the good music was... i had so much fun dancing... damn i really did have a great weekend.. Izzy(Digit) is a great dancer even if he rocks it CT style... Wintermute and death condition (who was trashed!!!) were at club as well.. passed out on Furax on the train ride back..

And then the funniest thing happened.. somehow i ended up sleeping with both Digit and Furax!!! Now i know what you're thinking, boys and girls... how inappropriate to post on an all-ages site! but its not what you think.. its not even what the neighbors think... actually its just that i have a big bed and our roomate situation is weird... hehe as Insomnia went to bed i was all like.. "Justiiine!! you cant leave me with this problem!!!" but then i guess its all in your definition of problem.. im sure having two bald rivetbois with hax0r tattoos sleep in your bed isnt really a problem ;) Damn it feels good to be a GANGSTA.. nah seriously the only interesting thing that happened was i stole insomnia's camera so i could show the world what a pimp i am.. i may have drooled on furax's arm.. it was a mini-sk meet...

so the next day we all went to get bagels... then i went to drop the boi's off at Grand Central and somehow end up getting suckered into going to Connecticut... Talked to my best friend Eric on the train, he's got a job and sounds happy, our lives usually run parallel and with the exception of this roommate horse shit i'm happy too..but anyways it just feels different up there in CT, feels kind of like florida. plus i have a lot of good memories associated with CTas well... i got to see Digits room that he makes the music in, its very minimalist. i even met his Mom and saw pic's of him macking it to Fairuza Balk... then myself and Digit and Anima Infirmary messed around with gear for awhile.. electribe's and whatnot.. then sat and listened to twine and coil and other ambient stoner music.. all too soon i had to go but even getting lost trying to find the train station in Anima's car while playing Underworld's 'king of snake' was fun.. i was dead when i got back at 3 am but this is my 10th good weekend in a row...

this weekend is halloween/haujobb/hocico so im sure it'll be great too... cant wait to see DasKreestof's Professor Membrane (from Invader Zim) costume... I'm going to be a gangster, i think... well i already bought the plastic AK and have the pinstriped suit, now all i need is the fudora and pocket watch.. today myself and Insomnia tried to find her costume, i talked to digit on the phone.. he's eating cupcakes.. and my roommates are being pricks.. no more internet at the house. even though the agreement was that i pay half. i have seriously never wanted to beat the fuck out of anyone as bad as this fucker neil. its like everyone who has ever bumped into me in new york without saying sorry wants to come out at this kid, its not funny.. people are just snapping nowadays without warning i wonder if i'm next.. these pricks arent even worth my words farless my frustration.. im just sick of moving, we have to be out Dec. 1st.. i have to get a second job but i guess that just goes to show you (take heed o ye friends that live with yer mommies) that we are neither free nor safe until we have earned it...

i just wish that instead of bitching i could have spent this post writing something pretty instead.


 exposed!    2002-10-28 16:59:14 ET
Thriller39 dbd/insomnia: i want you
Thriller39: get over here
Magot Eyes: thank you baby
Thriller39: yooou dress up like red robot and come feel my man-boobs
Magot Eyes: hahha
Magot Eyes: shut up.. you drunk manchild
Thriller39: my man love has no date of expiration
Magot Eyes: i luvs you
Thriller39: do you love my arse
Magot Eyes: yes, i luv it
Thriller39: oh man
Thriller39: tell me, no .. wait.. show me how much you luv it
Magot Eyes: I luv you.
Thriller39: you - you go to jail for kidtouching
Magot Eyes: WHAT?!

Thriller39dbd: gay
Anima Neglect: <gay>biomechanic</gay>
Thriller39: a href = "
Anima Neglect: a deutsche link no less
Thriller39: its because of my efficient german sex0r
Anima Neglect: find any ho's yet?
Thriller39: only digit
Anima Neglect: oooo! i'm telling furax!
Thriller39: he's going bed hopping in new york next week, i hear
Thriller39: have to go
Anima Neglect: ok
Thriller39: /gay
Anima Neglect: stay black

     2002-10-26 11:33:58 ET
I hacked Death by Design.


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