Myself, being unsually candid!    2009-06-03 21:32:34 ET
I am thankful for the fact that I can retreat into a rich fantasy life sometimes.
Now, I am not one of those types who whines endlessly about what a cruel world it is and how much life sucks, I find such talk tiresome and eventually, it becomes a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. I do not want to be a burden on anyone which is why I rarely talk about my feelings, I just tend to cover them up with sarcasm and occasional self deprecation, my defenses are always up. I am always on as well because I have this incessant need to either be constantly entertained or constantly entertaining, I do not know what this stems from, I've never sat down and analyzed it, I simply accept it as part of who I am.
Now, this leads me to my other need, which is not to be forgotten, to become known, for something, not too concerned with what that is, preferebly something art or writing related and not mass or serial murder related but I'm young still, ultra violence might seem more attractive as I get older and more desperate.
I realize how unrealistic that is, yes, 99.9999% or some such ludicrious percentage of people live and then die anonymously, billions over the life of humanity, so few are ever remembered but there is that drive within me. But as I get older, I have begun to realize that life is meaningless without joy, you can work your whole life, make a decent living, be comfortable and not be happy, there are billions of people who are like that and I don't want to be one of them.
Related to this subject, I am so tired of feeling as though I have to compromise myself in order to "make it" in the world. I have to be careful about what I say and how I look and what I do or else I'll never get anywhere in life. I look upon people who can freely dress up anyway they wish to, have crazy hair in vibrant colours, they can be creative and experimental with themselves every day and I am envious of them because I feel I cannot do that, it'll impact my ability to get a job, I am too concerned about making a living that I am not actually living.
Of course, counter point to this is that these are people who are generally several years younger than me, probably have no bills and are not working a generic job if they are working any job at all, nor could they even get one looking the way that they do.
As you grow older, you get dragged back down to earth and to the sad realization that most people will not accept you if you chose to be yourself, it makes me sick honestly. I don't care how anyone looks, that does not make them who they are, clothing, accessories and the like are merely used as accents to one's personality, they are an expression of one's inner self, to be judged on that and denied anything based on that, is disgusting but that's reality isn't it?
Once again, I am relieved that I can escape into a rich fantasy life or else I probably would have gone insane and taken out a kindergarten by now. Ha ha, I am suddenly reminded of one of my newest favorite quotes," Honesty is the best policy but insanity is a better defense!" Truer words have rarely been spoken.
1 comment

 New drawing!    2009-05-25 20:35:48 ET
All of this unwanted free time since I arrived in Missery has allowed me to begin drawing again, I have drawn more in the last few months than I have the past few years, so I gather that means, work=no drawing and no work=drawing...I can never have a happy medium, like some work=some drawing, that would be perfect, heh.

Check out my deviantart if you want to see more! I'm a Deviant!

 How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?    2009-05-11 16:12:35 ET
Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Heh, written in honor of it being Salvador Dali's birthday today. Keeping with that theme, I present...Un chien andalou!
Part 1
Part 2
You'll probably want that 20 minutes of your life back. ;p

 Glow in the dark dogs...why waste good technology on science and medicine?!    2009-04-28 16:05:12 ET
Has anyone read this?
All I have to say is...why, what was the point of this?! I mean, honestly, glow in the dark dogs, is this what people want, is this the best possible use for science, it is sadly funny actually and I was just thinking that science wasn't crazy or wacky enough anymore, well, they proved me wrong!
If they really want to do something beneficial for mankind they should create glow in the dark cats so when I am wandering around half asleep at night I don't trip over any wayward kitties! ;p
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 Good Idea, Bad Idea    2009-04-16 16:08:19 ET
The Good: I have procured a job interview, my first since arriving in this bastion of culture and social relevance.
The Bad: It's with Hot Topic. I am probably five years too old to work there and they haven't sold anything remotely interesting for years. It pays crap minimum wage and doesn't usually give anything near full time hours.
The Good: But, saying all that, I can dress anyway I want to, I can experiment with my newly lightened hair in a way I could never do at any conventional job, the enviornment is laid back and you can be snarky to people and they love you for it. Also, I am not looking for full time hours, since I am considering appying to art school and am working on writing projects.
The Good: Speaking of writing and drawing, I have a deviant art account SarinWrap, I am not terribly popular since my coloring is primative as I do not have a quality program to work with. That does lead me to this question, can anyone suggest an artsy type program that does not cost $5 billion like, I don't know, photoshop! There has got to be something cheaper that works as well!
The Bad: I had to squeeze another bad into here, this entry was getting too positive. I'm in Missouri...there, that should do it.
The Good: I am working on a short story that I am thinking of submitting for possible publication, I am halfway done with it, oddly enough, I have been writing the story longhand than typing it out on Word since no one on this planet can read my writing. I am fairly pleased with it so far but I am not certain where to submit it, it is in the vein of historical fiction with a dose of horror, odd genre, that.
The Bad: Paypal is now my mortal foe, they royally fucked me over when it came to a dispute I was having with one of my buyers, I no longer wish to use them but one, it is hard to buy and sell on ebay without a Paypal account and two, they won't let me close my account until I pay them the $90.00 they claim I owe them, they keep sending me polite emails asking for me to pay them, but I don't currently have the extra money so their bloody asses can wait like the rest of the people who want money from me!
Hm, well, I think that is about it, my life is not too terribly exciting...or at all exciting...if not for Mystery Science Theater 3000 keeping me in good humor I might have already started killing people and turning them into dolls ala the killer from The Cell.
And as for movies, watch Der Untergang or Downfall if you get the chance, great German language film chronicling the last few days in Hitler's Fuhrerbunker, it is a wonderful, provocative film, I was engrossed by it and it's fairly historically accurate which is rare.

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