bullets seem like the solution    2005-09-13 18:16:57 ET
I questioned that today, if a bullet to the fucking head would solve all my answers. I'm sorta just pull the trigger.....end it and stop feeling so trapped in my house and life. I feel this way because I owe about 2,000 dollars to my parents and more money to other people. Which each time I get a job it does not work out. Like today, I was waiting to be trained and what ?? I get laid off, for doing nothing. They hired me without knowing what to do with me when they hired me. Why ?? All I want to do is make music but instead and art.Every time I start their is a blockaed. Something that just looks to stop me and push me around. Is it to much to ask for anyone to help or to work with someone who won't be tray me ?? to get job where I don't feel like the mind numb poplace. It does not either help when your farther puts you down to or makes you feel everyone is your enemy and alinate you from everyone. I think it's meant to be nobody cares or understands me. What makes it worse is this is how I feel and I feel like I should leave this house and state and start over from those who wish to fuck me at every turn. I just feel like crap. I mean is it to much to ask or think someone to care. I guess it is....

 Amduscia    2005-09-12 10:42:46 ET
So I'm just here at work right now. Sorta board and whateverish. I don't know really what I'm doing here everyone seems so busy like they can't help me and I sorta guess you can say they don't know what I do yet either. Yet I will start with a recap about my weekend. My trip to TJ to dropp off and spin for the amduscia show. Apprently I showed up in tj with four heavy large box's and got picked up with amduscia to go to a small bar el cajon. It's a nice fucking place, I enjoyed the music and the crowd. As we drunk our selves stupid we pretty much ended up getting kicked out at 3 am and go to the hotel. When we got back we drank more in amduscia's room and talked shit about how most DJ's today got huge head and how america pretty sad of a country at times. What happend to good old times of the US where you could be proud. We are more a less a joke to others because we decided to call french fries freedom fries....gay. As far as that goes we crashed around 5 am. We moved the party into my room with Matt and sorta just joked around. Anyway woke up around 11 am to check out with time and got moved to another room and roberto offered for us to stash our shit in his room so we did. As we walked out to the venue I got a call to my room from room 208. Turn's out raul(Amduscia's keyboardist)girlfriend offered to split a room with us. To which we agreed because they are super nice and sweet hearts. We hung out ate breakfast and made some new viynal straps. I was so happy I made them.Around 6 I went to the venue to drop off Kruxx and Dredd hung out went back got ready and came back to the venue. Hung out and meet Grendel, which I like to note josh is funny as hell we will always rember the zonkey. Anyway the show start but to my suprise after the main promoter gave me a spot another promoter started acting like he knew everything and running the show when it was not his. Yet he shot his mouth off and said I was not a DJ or either was Kruxx which I got super upset and yelled back that we work hard have not been DJing as long as him but we had stuff and knew what we where doing. To which he just said no and I walked off just forgetting it because I did not want to make a scene or be all dramatic so I walked off as he went on talking crap to other people about their typical bs. Wow, it funny how selfish DJ's can be case in point what we where talking about in our hotel. Anyway so about hour later karma rear's it's head and the so called Master Dj had his CD's jacked which I sorta laughed and at the same time felt bad and that it was messed. Because no matter how mad you are cd's are like fucking blood to a DJ rob him of that and you have robbed him of his bread. So eventually everyone got drunk and finished the show, but durining the Master dj's set his CD's where scrathed so karma came back again, we went back to the hotel and chilled. I explained to raul why I could not spin his music for him to which his gf was sympathetic and allowed me to make an amduscia fan page and run it as the leader on top of that I was offered to dj a show or them another time around. So things worked out and I felt good. Eventually I cooled off and felt way better about things and just got drunk and other things hahahahah... oh yeah, my lovely friend aprial was such a doll and let us crash with her and got drunk togther and paid for some food which we apperciate so much !! I love you girl heheheheh. Yet we woke up the next morning and left mexico around 3 or 4 split up said goodbye to Aprial and got home crashed and went to a friend's b day and chamber and now I'm in my office alone not doing shit. Glad I'm getting paid but hopefully things go well !! how is everyone else I missed you and sorry I have not updated recently. Also I got a show coming up in oct 8 to spin for dulce luquido anyone intrested in going ??

 Disease called human    2005-08-06 11:59:26 ET
I'm suprised about how even the closes person will act like a territorial jock to keep somehting around for the leasiure. For sex, what pathetic pieace of shit would treat another human like crap just be have sex with them. Lie's pouring out of their body like their is nothing more then shit filling this person. Just another rancid human form taking up space. Not contributing anything to anybodies life. It's so pathetic to lie to someone else for sex. Tell them I love you, fucking words. People just like hearing it then seeing it their actions. It's come to be that words and actions are hard to seperate because people will even take the extra intative to make people believe they care. So people can't believe one or another and they become confused. At times I will admit I'am because in some way we are all naive. Yet, it's something none of us should ever second guess, is what it makes us feel like and wager their motives. It's and equal share of words and actions. Anything seperate can not fully function by it's self. It actually takes alot of work. Something alot of people aren't willing to put in. Sorry, I went off ranting again, sorta still tired. Long night at Bunker. Had fun though danced like a crazy rabid lemure on fire. So it was good

 Hate is me In one word....    2005-07-20 23:13:18 ET
I'm filled with hate and hurt so much I would tear back the skin of those have set me on the path of hate and bullshit. Never knew me you egg sucking peace of shit. I would cut your throat out and carve you one know thing. SOmething you would never expect. I hate most of you because you are all shit and fakes most of you coul careless about music but more about fucking being tredny hahahahhahahah you think because your pretty you matter hahahah your shit your a fad like hottopic to bad you want populatrity, Unlike me I had to make a club with three great freind who did nothing more then help who I'am. Go suck your cock's, for those who aren't part of maschine will never know our struggle, we fucking take it like its BS we are people mnaschine will leave and be with out you sorry srunk!!

 Friends are Jokes    2005-07-15 01:02:43 ET
Here's advice nobody gives a fuck about you or what you do so get over it so goes life and know that no matter what you do means nothing to people. They will take and do nothing to help you. The are a pathtic excusse for you miss understanding of what they can be. humnity is pathetic so be self sustaning. Enjoy fuckers.

A23- Disappoint

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