the 2 witnesses    2006-09-19 19:41:28 ET
Masochist, youíll never learn. You really donít enjoy it but you wish to could. Itís not that you like to be hurt, itís that you want it to feel good keep trying; but it always hurt.
Dreamer, you have no where to escape, quit trying, reality has different colors. Only closing your eyes you can imagine that sweet dream, but you canít go anywhere with your eyes closed, youíll need to open them, but then the fantasy shelter closes.

On the last posts I talked about a girl a met a couple months ago, Pamela, on a city of 7 hours of distance from me, nevertheless start chatting via internet and some friendship started. Then we started messaging by cellphone and my taste to keep in communication with her incremented. It got a time (a few days ago) when we send each other about 20 messages by day, for a week. So it was then when my feelings totally exploded, hurting only me. I couldnít tell anyone but me that I fell deeply in love of her.
The uncertainty started when she began telling me that she ďlikes meĒ; that she ďreally likes meĒ kind of in a way of ďyouíre so cool, I luv ya man, a like ya a lotĒ. With atmospheres of ďdamn I like ya so much, youíre my bestest friendĒ, to which I always replied in the same tones. She drives me insane by keeping me thinking if she really means something else or sheís like those very open-friendly with everyone saying she luvs someone. One night she totally got me delirious about it when she said ďI just donít have words enough to tell you how much I like youĒ; I immediately tried to respond with the same attitude, or more enthusiast.
Sheís supposed to come here in 2 days for another of those orchestra encounters we have, the kind like when I went to her city and first met her. Sheís supposed to be here in 2 days. She hasnít messaged me in these 3 past days, as much as last week. I donít know whatís on her mind, but for me, I hate to state the clichť of ďI think of her all dayĒ, but itís so painfully true.

I should be sharpening the knife for the masochist, and start softening the pillow for the dreamer.

 desperate    2006-09-07 20:11:56 ET
Quoted from Wikipedia:

"The hedgehog's dilemma states that the closer two beings come to each other, the more likely they are to hurt one another; however if they remain apart, they will each feel the pain of loneliness.
This comes from the (false) idea that hedgehogs, with sharp spines on their backs, will hurt the each other if they get too close. This is analogous to a relationship between two human beings. If two people come to care about and trust each other, something bad that happens to one of them will hurt the other as well, and dishonesty between the two could cause even greater problems.
The concept originates from Arthur Schopenhauer's Parerga und Paralipomena, Volume II, Chapter XXXI, Section 396. [...] (it) describes a number of hedgehogs who need to huddle together for warmth and who struggle to find the distance where they are warm without hurting one another. The hedgehogs have to sacrifice warmth for comfort. The conclusion that Schopenhauer draws is that the if someone has enough internal warmth, he or she can avoid society and the giving and receiving of irritation that results from social interaction."

Pretty much the resume of my social life.

 heart attack    2006-08-28 20:11:12 ET
I wrote in previews posts that a few weeks ago, I traveled to another city with some people of the orchestra to play along with the other cityís orchestra, and it was a really nice experience. I mentioned that on the last days I met a girl there whom I became friends with and lately I had been chatting with her on msn and sending messages by cell phone. By the last days I have felt for her something more than friendship. I know itís my weakness for women again; that maybe Iím just wishing to dream more, but I canít help it, Iíve been thinking of her a lot. Pamela, sheís pretty, funny, sometimes rude in a cute way, I donít know, I shouldnít be falling for her but, what would you feel when someone calls you on the phone by long distance to say you hello? Iím suck a sucker.

Iím loosing my mind I should be worrying perhaps by other stuff in school, since Iím not a very good student, and Iím on my lasts semesters. Life would be a little neater with a batmobile.

 waste    2006-08-13 22:03:07 ET
I start classes at school again in one web, and as usual I have been waking up around 11am and going to bed at 3am, so itís going to cost me a lot of effort to be awake when school starts.
Iíve been chatting on msn with this funny girl, Pamela, a friend I met when I went out with the orchestra. Sheís very friendly and seems to be very wacko also, she says she cuts near her wrists when sheís sad, Iíve told her not to do that of course, but I guess weíre all wackos after all.
Yesterday I got drunk as hell. I only drank beer though, but I was drinking from straight 11pm to 5:30am. I end up officially drunk, and to my all time wonderful luck, I forgot my keys, so I couldnít enter the house; it was 6am and I was so tired that I gave a shit and just slept in the floor of the garage, ha. Just two hours later, at the break of dawn, I woke up, and finally my father opened the door, and I went to my room and went to sleep again. I woke up at 2:30pm, and naturally they lectured me some bullshit later.
Naturally, on hangover I was so depressed and sad; I really am such a fuck up.

 break    2006-07-29 21:16:39 ET
I havenít updated here in about a moth or so. Like I said in the previous post, I was away for two weeks, in some concerts with the orchestra, it was awesome. So many stuff. Then got back home, and started making an arrangement of some pieces from the Kirby videogame, for symphonic orchestra. That took me another week. Then Iíve been either slacking around, listening music, drawing, watching tv, wasting my life boringly and such. Just today I downloaded a movie and watched it. So right now Iím sort of tired and have so much in my mind... all disordered.

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