2004-03-16 05:35:25 ET
To explain my quick post of the other day:

The divorce: A friend of mine has been having an affair for quite a few months, while her husband was in Iraq. When the husband returned he already knew about it. Then things blew up. She has been deciding back and forth between the two, and having a great trouble at it. I'm a little more involved in all of it than I wanted to be. I don't mind being there for her, but she always knew my veiws on what she was doing. She spent a night on my couch. I've been with her while she spoke to each one of them. I'm not sure how it is going to turn out, but it looks like she may stay with her husband (who is a good person).

Leaving: I will only be leaving for a few days for vacation in Flagstaff. I didn't think they had a computer there I could use, but it turns out that they do. I'll be back sunday.

Sorry for any confusion. I've been pretty out of it for the last week and a half.

I think I've lost my smile. I haven't for weeks now. I know the friends that I still have left here have been worried, but all I can say to them is: "give me a while, I'll be better later."

     2004-03-15 08:43:39 ET
I guess my last post was a little confusing, but I'll explain it later.

I just had to put my kittie, Honey, to sleep. I am absolutly crushed.

I really need a hug right now, but there is not anyone here. Everyone has either left or forgotten me completly.
You probably didn't realize, but this date, exactly one year ago was the first time we met.
I would say happy aneversary, but it wouldn't be appropraite.

     2004-03-08 11:21:50 ET
Ok, the good news is that my cat Honey does NOT have Feline Leukemia Virus. The bad news is that they do not know what is wrong with her.

Mum just took her back to the vet for an IV and said that she looks absolutly miserable.

My poor baby.

     2004-03-08 05:28:12 ET
Short clips from this weekend:

My cat (the only pet we've owned that has actually been mine) is very sick, isn't eating, playing, cleaning herself and all she does is drink water and sleep (and I mean a lot more than normal). Everyone who sees her says that she looks miserable. I can't get time off from work, so my mom has to take her into the vet and I'm not sure that I will be able to aford her bill.

I was sick for about a month but last week finally started to feel better. Now I'm back to being ill. Hopefully soon I can get in to see the doctor.

I finally got up to the folk shop to pick up my drum which has been ready for over a week. When I got into the store I found out that only a few hours before it had been dropped. It is (was) a white ceramic egypytian drum with a natural head and when it was dropped it shattered and is unrepairable. They are going to replace it. I'm still sad because that drum had been a gift.

I went up to the Ren Faire and it was fun, even with the dust, sun, and heat. I got pickpocketed somewhere near the front gate and that left me with only $2 for the day. I only had $12 to begin with so I was too upset. I got really dehydrated and by the time I got home I felt really shitty.

The literary magazine that I am editor of is close to being finished and sent off to the printers. One of my staff members had a baby and is not able to help much (which is fine) and another of the girls has kind of flaked out and is not coming to class anymore. So it's really just the two of us left putting everything together. I can't wait to see the finished product.

     2004-02-09 06:53:54 ET
This weekend I had to say goodbye to a very special person. The only thing keeping me from being completly depressed about it is the fact that I WILL see him again. I know in my heart I will.

I love the way that whenever I think about him I feel happy and smile, though when I think about the fact that he's left I feel sad but happy that he gets to go home to his family. Whenever I look at the flowers he gave me before he left (beautiful red roses, I've never gotten flowers from anyone but my gay friend Lou, and I've never recieved roses), I look at them and smile.

I miss him already.

 Ramblings    2003-11-03 07:35:09 ET
Have you ever really connected with a character in a book, movie, comic book, tv show, or play? Or even a mixture of people? This question floated through my mind as I was sitting in line to get to meet RA Salvatore this weekend when he was speaking about connecting with his characters and it led me to think about who I connected with in movies in books and why. This may be trite and completly silly to post this, but I'm far from caring right now.

1. Francine Peters from Strangers in Paradise, a comic book. She's a mid twenties woman who, over her adventures through the books have shown strengths a weaknesses I see inside myself. She's overweight (sometimes, she fluctuates) but beautiful (something myself I strive to be). Her dealings with lovers and boyfriends have left her confused, or hurt, or elated, sometimes at the same time. When finally she meets the man who proposes to her, a good man who is successful in his work, she is happy, then questions whether it's right to accept this perfection to perhaps the same end her mother found (a divorce for a younger woman) or might she be missing something better in the world. Her conficts, her problems, her desires all mirror my own in some way. Her dealings with lovers, boyfriends, and companions give me some sense of comfort for my own as an older sister might.

2. Alyssa Jones from Chasing Amy, a movie by Kevin Smith. Those of you may be a bit confused because I am niether a lesbian, nor have I ever been. I connect with her in a small way because I once believed that I was going to open myself for love, in any way, from any person. Although it is not my way anymore I used to believe that I could accept to be a lesbian if I found love there, I discovered then that it was due to the fact that I was very close to a friend I still am, and I was just a bit confused about the love I had for her. It was until recently (a few months ago) that I realized that as much as I loved her, it was as you love a lover, but as you love someone who will be a great friend forever and someone you cherish. I still feel a level of connection with Alyssa however. She is an independent woman who has no qualms about being whoever she is, no matter what people say or how they ostrasize her for it. I respect that.

3. Jo March from Little Women, brought to many media forms over the ages. Her love of writting and her strugles with feeling akward in dealings with her family, friends, and society touch me in a way. She wishes to go out and do big things, but ultimatly her road leads back to home. On her adventures she finds love, true love (something that most every girl wants).

4. Beth March, from the same. Beth gets sick very young and because of that she is weakened all her life. When on her death bed she explains that she never wanted anything more than what was at home, but she didn't like that everyone wanted to leave and in turn leave her behind. For the first time in my life a few years ago I suffered differently than before. My friends and family were leaving me, and leaving me behind (before, being an army brat I would normally be the one to leave places behind). Everyone went out to do big things, while (still wanting to call a place home for more than 6 months at a time) I stayed and had to say goodbye. I thought that when my father retired that I wouldn't have to say goodbye so often, but I did and I found that it hurt even more now because I had them in my lives longer. You would think after I have spent my entire life saying goodbye, it would get simpler, but as I've gotten older, it has gotten harder and more painful to say goodbye. I can understand Beth here, always saying goodbye, wondering why everyone wanted to leave.

5. Cattie-Brie, from works by R A Salvatore. There are so many reasons here. so many that I cannot even begin to list all of them. She is a strong woman though there are sometimes that she is very weak. I think that is the main reason that I feel any sense of connection.

6. Not a character at all, but still Alanis Morissette. Especially with the song "Unsent" dealing with lovers and "That I Would Be Good.". Enough said.

Another cause of my thinking was the conversation I had with a good friend last night. It was one of those deep connecting conversations where I was on the verge of crying the whole time.

We spoke at great length about a friend of ours who is, in all sense of the word, cheating on her husband. He is a great man who loves her, forgave her for cheating before, supports her (in every sense) and is just generally a good man. The man she is involved with is in his thirties, jobless, and, in my opinion, lacking any reason to be with. We just don't understand how someone so lucky to have someone completly devoted and loving and throw that away. Especially when there are people who are out there that don't have anyone and who deserve the best.

We spoke a lot about things that we've been through, that we know that everyone must suffer. Most of all we discovered that those times that we have felt the most unattractive were when we were with our past boyfriends or lovers. When I was with my first boyfriend, I felt the most akward and unattractive than I have ever, and that was even before he dumped me for my best friend. Everything following made a little stronger each time, no matter how they hurt me (physically or emotionally) until that day I decided that I would never date again because I thought it was all just self destructive. Now I'm just confused. However no matter how much older I feel, I still feel stupid and childish when it comes to any interaction with any man I'm even a little bit attracted to. It also suprised me to realize that in the past year, I've found myself attracted to only one person, oppossed when I was in high school and suffering infatuations for so many boys.

I guess I need a talk like that every once in a while to clear things up for me, even though nothing ever gets resolved.

It's so quiet here with you
Oh these moments are so few.
In the danger of the night
Two young lovers are alright.

Well Bobby was in love, they say;
But no one ever knew her name
No one ever saw the face of her
Her name was never heard.
Like a night come on the day
Bobby's lover went away
Now the Bobby that I know's so sad
He smiles, but he can't laugh.

A woman worries in the day
Is she giving it away?
In the danger of the night she'll run
Because no one made her stay.
But if Bobby was the man they say,
And she was half the girl they say,
Why do lovers never turn out right?
Could be the danger of the night.

 ********    2003-11-02 10:46:52 ET
*jumps up and down excitedly making little squeels of happiness*


It was great. We got there early and were in the front of the line. He spoke for a while, answering questions, and to my delight he has a New Englander accent which made it great when he was talking about certain characters. He seems like a great guy who loves his fans and his work.

Anywho, that was up in Phoenix. I've spent a lot of time in the car for the past few days. Though they have all been pretty much good times :)

I went to Tucson on Thursday and Friday was great. Our plans fell through and Jo was sick so we just kind of hung around my place, scaring children. Had a great time with them and with a friend of mine who came down for the night (thanks hun :) )

On saturday I had to rush off with Jo and Matt to Phoenix for the book signing .

I FINALLY got a full night's sleep last night. It was great. Not that the reasons I was up in the last week were bad, quite the opposite.

Oh yeah, sleep is still a crutch.

 Conversations with Death    2003-10-17 19:45:43 ET
I met Death
Today on the road
Just out of town

He gave me a coin
And patted my head

He said
"I've come not for you
today my lass.
For many years
You thread holds strong."

Though my heart trembled
I managed to say
"But for who then
come have you to take?"

"There's a man down the road,"
he said with a smile,
"Who's time has come.
He lies in wait for me now.
He knows I have come.
He knows the time is near."

"Is he old?" I asked.

"No lass." he answered.

"Is he ill?" I implored.

"No my beauty."
He said as he shook
his hooded head.

"Then, why for have you come?"

"He waits now.
He wishes me to come, for
He has not the strength to come to me.
He has called to me on many nights.
Finally, I have come."

Death started his walk again
And my wonder caused my feet
To move as his did lead.

We came to house,
Just barely a home
Where a young man sat
On the porch in wait.

Tears flowed down his cheeks
As we approached
But his determination to meet Death
Stayed his urge to flee.

He looked into my eyes
And I into his.
There I saw a fleeting image of hope.
This man who saw into myself
I knew him then.

I turned to Death and said
"Oh please, do not take him, for
I see inside him a desire to live."

"But precious one,"
He said with calm intent,
"He has called to me for nights long
For me to come.
And now that I arrive,
You say that I should leave empty-handed?"

"I will pay you
For your troubles here tonight,
If only you leave
And return not to this place
Until an old and ill man you
Will see here in his seat."
I boldly held my head up high
And thrust the coin into Death's hand.

And Death he stayed
As if he thought a while
And smiled at me and said
"As you wish my darling angel.
But do not think I will not come again.
We will meet again on that dark road.
And next time I come for you."

Then Death was gone
In the shadow of good night
And I turned to him
Who was now my man
And he said
"But who are you who cares so much
And knows me well?"

I kissed his head
And simply said
"Your angel."

 Step Four: Cry, but by yourself    2003-09-13 07:34:46 ET
You don't have to lie about where you've been.
We both know you've been schemin'.
So why don't you give your little voice a rest,
climb on up inside my bed, and just pretend you need me?

You don't have to lie about what you know.
We both know that I've been sufferin'.
And I don't need to be your only one,
and I don't need your comfortin',
I just need you with me.

Stay, Stay, Stay with me.
Stay, stay with me.
Stay, and don't you ever run away from me.

Oh,and if she ever let's you down,
after she has run out of your money?
Well then just crawl on back to me, I'm the one that
sets you free, and I'm the one that needs you.

And if she ever let's you go,
we both know what you'll be needin'.
And if you need somewhere to rest,
somewhere to lay your
head, you'll know where to find me.

Stay, Stay, Stay with me.
Stay, stay with me.
Stay, and don't you ever run away from me.

And if you need somewhere to rest,
somewhere to lay your head, you know where to find me.

Stay with me!
I can't live another day,
I won't live another day without you baby!
Stay with me!

Turn down the headlights. Empty the ashtrays.
Sweep out of the airway, what's left of our time.
Oh, you can use my body to
do what you have to, but stay a little longer, stay with me.

OK, so I really love this song, and I finally found it today:) It's from the film Chasing Amy, and it plays just after the scene outside the ice rink. Unfortunatly there never was a soundtrack for the movie so I've had a bit of trouble finding the info on the song.

This is among those songs that, at certain times, will make me want to cry, mostly because it reminds me of things.

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