2004-08-17 13:43:41 ET

Today was definitely...entertaining. wake up at 10, go back to sleep, wake up at 11:40 and call crystal to meet for lunch. Good stuff. Finally go up to the college for my 2:00 class around 1 or so. So I wander around. Talk to random people, smokes cigarettes, and ask for the time every five minutes. Good stuff. I realize today that I really really really need a cell phone. Ayup.

English was amusing. The professor there was just slightly hilarious. And with an Irish accent to. He talked about his grading scale.. and if your essays suck, you get a Z. A freaking Z. Z Z Z Z don't ask. That's a bad nasty grade though. Somewhere along the lines -245 I'm quite sure.

Lovely girl from registration is in my English class. Woohoo. Started flirting today. *grin* A walk with her to her class because she was lost, and a few added "you're quite pretty" comments here and there. All in all, everything is going quite nicely. Now, I have to read 100 pages of macroeconomics before 8:00 am. Hah, like that'll ever happen. I'm around if any of you are up for a chat. Much love <3

every man needs...
2004-08-16 12:58:28 ET

A dildo. Seriously. Every man must have one. Get over your homophobia now damn it, because masturbation just ain't the same without one. *runs off*

2004-08-16 02:22:24 ET

Hoo boy. I have class in... 39 minutes. -hums- That'll definitely be interesting. I have two choices now. I can go to school here, or I can move up to Atlanta probably in the next week or so with friends. I'm really unsure of what to do just now. Lots of thinking to be done, I don't want to make a decision I'm going to regret. Either ways one thing is for sure: Whatever decision I make this week, will change my life forever.

2004-08-13 07:27:23 ET

Watching Devil's Advocate, and realized how much I love this quote:

"Love? Overrated! Biochemically no different than eating mass amounts of chocolate."

Realizing things about yourself sucks sometimes. Realizing things like the fact that you're an asshole at heart. I manipulate and lie to get what I want when I want. And jealousy is awful. I'm a horribly jealous person. I see happiness, and when I don't have it, I want to destroy it and make others miserable. That's normal though isn't it? Reminds me of the matrix. Agents are so badass. "Only human" rings throughout my mind.

What a sad species we are. Thriving upon death, and suffering without companionship. Jealousy and greed. But then again, I love it. I love hearing that someone is 'sorry for me' or whatever. It just makes you feel like someone cares, even though we're all alone in the end.

I'm rambling, I know it. But I got bored with life a long long time ago. I think I was six or so. Yeah, that sounds about right. I remember realizing nothing mattered, and I could simply do whatever I felt like. So I stopped caring, I stopped loving, and I stopped thinking about the future. I couldn't make myself care for my family now if I tried. They're tools. Only useful until they can't give me anything else. That's a horrible thing to say, isn't it? But it's how I've felt for so long it would be impossible to change.

Rivetangel, you're right. I should take a picture with my hair down. It's quite beautiful. I'm beautiful. Ahh the power of vanity. Maybe in some desperate attempt to make up for my self esteem that I lost almost ten years ago. Heh, I still remember the day my friend told me I should let my hair grow out long. It feels like ages ago.

Strange, all this came from reading one of the comments in my journal. Rivet, you surely know how to make me happy, and then in the next sentence make me think about the joys of strangling someone. I've had an interesting reaction to your words. I don't know if it's bad or good. Or neither. I suppose it just is.

You know, it's a sad thing to realize the state your in. That you honestly lack compassion for others for you realize that if you expend energy on anyone but yourself, you'll simply fall apart. Living like that is horrible. I remember being in class a few months back, and one of my fellow students got in a car wreck and died. It was announced by Dr. Knot, and I blurted out "Oh darn, one down six billion more to go." without even thinking. And sadly enough, that's how I felt. It's even worse to realize this was all a conscious effort on your part to avoid being hurt in the future. 'killing your emotions' I wish I hadn't. I wish I had been homeschooled and this never would have happened. I want to return to that. I want to be able to really care for another again. But I can't.. I can't make myself do it.

How pathetic. Writing this has me in tears. This wasn't supposed to happen. Emotions.. bah. bad....very horrible.

Holy gods, this has gone on way too long. I'll shut up now, and stop wasting time with my inane ramblings. Good bye.

Funny hehe.
2004-08-12 17:26:10 ET

Okay, I'm in a good mood now. Been that way for a while. so ha. This is an amusing picture someone sent me.
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