2005-08-20 21:07:35 ET
"He might like you."

Yeah, right.
There's no time for that nonsense

     2005-08-17 00:17:53 ET
Jason Webley show was tonight.
He makes me so happy!
Some people have all the luck.
I miss Kayla already.
I am up late, and have to work tomorrow.
I didn't eat much today.
Damn Chris for having to go home.
But yay for frisbee!
Even if the cops don't want kids to have fun.
I secretly hope Mary doesn't call me.
What now?
I should get my film developed.
It'll give me something to look forward to.
Katie and I are watching a foreign film tomorrow.
Sometimes I forget how many friends I used to have.
It would be a waste of my time to start something.
I wish I were hot enough to have a fling.
I want to get a massage.
And I need a haircut.
Kyler just got online.
I love drawing even if I'm terrible at it.
I feel like I'm repeating myself.
That is a sign that it is bedtime.

 i'm not looking for pity.    2005-08-13 18:15:41 ET
I've only just realized that I am a failure.
I don't want to work at Taco Del Sol.
I hate working with food because people are so goddamn picky.
I feel like a loser no matter where I go.
I hate letting people down.
I've fucked up so many great friendships.
I haven't been able to cry in months.
Why can't I get past the fact that Mike is Mormon?
I'm terrified of college.
The more I think about it, the more I think I'd be a shitty girlfriend.
I've never questioned my sexuality so much before.
And that's a part of me I never thought I'd question.
I can't make it through this year without Rune.
Without Kayla.
Without everyone.
I hate not having inspiration.
Sometimes I do, but I'm too lazy to do anything.
Liking Nick for so long totally fucked me up.
And I don't know why, because it shouldn't have.
Every single day I wish I would have decided to study theatre.
I've had a bad dream every night this week.
I've also had a good dream every night this week.
But the good has yet to outweigh the bad.
I hate that my sister has her driver's license.
Usually the internet is really boring, but I'm always on it.
I can't stand how much people worship Mary.
But we all know I'm just jealous.
I think I'm funny, and that's probably why I'm actually not.
I want another scar.
But I won't make one because I'd regret it 5 minutes later.
Personality is the only thing I have going for me.
And it's not that great.
I don't want to grow up, and everyone makes me feel stupid about that.
I love the cold weather.
I wish I were shorter.
I take Tyler for granted.
I hate being a girl.
I want to do something self-destructive.
It's time for my semi-annual breakdown.

     2005-08-10 23:22:07 ET
The theatre is the one place I've ever really felt at home.
And I hate the thought of going back there and feeling unwelcome.

Even now it's like being in a household with fighting parents and angry siblings. But at least you know your way around in the dark, and you can sleep in your own bed at night. And in the morning, there's the cereal right where it's always been. And your parents smile at each other and read the newspaper and fain happiness, and your sister actually wants to hang out with you. None of it makes the night before go away, but it makess you realize that they love you just as much as you love them...and you're home.

When you go away to college and come back on break, your home has kept your bedroom the same, and your family is there at the door, smiling, waiting, happy to see you.

Can I expect that from the theatre?

     2005-08-08 09:49:29 ET
I had a dream last night in which I was watching whales in the ocean. Everyone who was watching starting throwing little light-up balls into the water, and the whales caught them. And then the whales exploded, but it was underwater, so all you could see was a big splash.

Then I went inside and played cards with some creepy guy who hadn't left his house in 30 years. I remember having to decide between Ruffles or Lays potato chips. When I told the man that the whales were exploding, he just shook his head and said, "Looks like November is on its way..."

     2005-08-05 03:37:47 ET
I can't sleep.
And usually when I say that, I could sleep if I wanted to, I'm just awake instead.
But this time, I've literally been tossing and turning for the past 3 hours. It's 6:30 in the goddamn morning. No one should be awake this early.

This is the second time this has happened in the past week.

Do I really have that much on my mind? So much that I can't do my favorite thing in the whole world?

I don't understand.

1 comment

     2005-08-03 15:46:18 ET
I really hate the heat.
It makes me depressed and lathargic.
I never get out of the house, and when I do, I immediately feel disgusting.
This is why I have mixed feelings about summer.
There's no school, but it's freakin' hot.
Although I guess being in school while its hot would suck even more.

I love rain though.
There's nothing more exciting than lightning on a sweltering August night.

     2005-07-25 22:20:43 ET
I refuse.

Digital can suck it.

 so leave all this behind...    2005-07-22 23:46:36 ET
No, I don't hate her.
I just miss her.
A lot.

I hung out with Tyler today. We never do much, but we always have fun.
Coney Island, reading old notes, coffee, arcade with Claire, invisible ink, good times.
We went to the hillside to pick flowers. We both made stunning arrangements tied with white ribbon. He made one for his girlfriend, and I made one for Kayla. I thought that was funny.

Later, I found Jace. I love him in a weird way that no one will really ever understand. Soon we found Nate, then Rune, then Tyler G (Let's just say right now that baseball, as far as sports go, is one of the silliest), then Jade, then Justin, then Nick.

You know how I can tell that it's going away?
Because I don't get that tingly feeling in my tummy anymore.

I wonder if anyone will go with me to the symphony tomorrow...
It'll be music from West Side Story, and I heard there will be fireworks.

Sounds magical, right?

     2005-07-22 00:39:32 ET
Upright Citizens Brigade is my new favorite show.


Don't brush me off.


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