2009-07-28 12:40:07 ET

Bear with me for the bad organization, I'm a bit freaked.

Due to some recent incidences with Matt I'm moving out tonight, unbeknownst to him. Is that the right way to do things, no. But my personal safety is paramount. I'd like to talk to him before I go but I'm afraid of what he'll do during the inevitable freak out, so I'm moving everything tonight - while he's at work and writing him a letter.

Scott is taking me back under the condition I go see a therapist for awhile, my first appointment is tomorrow at 12:15. He believes me on how I was treated up there because apparently I was talking like a little girl (higher pitched voice) which I guess is a sign of psychological abuse.

I wish I wouldn't have been so stupid. This could all have been avoided.

2009-07-24 10:30:08 ET

I talked to my grandma two days ago. She called me an "old maid" which kind of hurt. She then said sorry and claimed to be joking - but I wonder if she was being a bit serious. Or maybe she just wants to see me find happiness before she moves on as she's not in good health at all these days.

On another note, I've been talking to my ex-bf Scott. Not in the terms we were before, but civilly. He wants me back and I've told him I'd consider it, but there needs to be more holding the relationship together this time than sex, being fat together, and atheism. He's lost 50 pounds since I last saw him. Congrats to him.

On yet another note, I may be taking a telemarketing job. Ugh - I know. But the economy here is so bad no one else is hiring really.

On still yet another note I have an audition for a working cover band tonight. Hopefully that'll go well, we shall see. Wish me luck!

Furthermore, I got told I'm selfish. Let's examine the reasons why: I help someone get to work with the rest of my gas, I then run out on the way back and have to pay the consequence. I help someone get their license back and now mine will likely get suspended due to not being able to pay a ticket. There are many more examples - but every time I'm selfless I get burned. Doesn't exactly encourage me not to be selfish.

2009-07-20 11:03:42 ET

I had lunch with my mother today, that went pretty well I suppose. She ordered my birth control and contacts for me, which I appreciate. I really just want to go live by myself when/if I can afford to. Yes, it might be lonely but it'd be better than feeling used in one way or another. I've been doing so much work for ChaCha that I keep feeling the need to write "ChaCha on!" and the end of every sentence. On another note I have an interview with a temp. agency on Wednesday morning, hopefully that will go alright and allow me to stash some away since my bare mins. are being taken care of right now... ok, well other than not having car insurance.

2009-07-19 22:32:31 ET

I haven't written in a few days for a variety of reasons, one being I'm doing quite atrocious. I haven't slept well in a very long time, I probably contemplate suicide (I won't, so no need to trace my IP and send Police out, plzkthx) on an hourly basis, and I'm running out of reasons not to. I hate my life, trade - someone please?

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