2004-12-04 15:56:00 ET

trapt by thoughts that are not mine

sadness is comsuming, fear is overwhelming
confusion takes me over as thoughts run though my mind
thoughts run circles, round and round
nothings straight its all mixed up
cant hear my own thoughts
because foriegn thoughts rush through my head
unable to catch a word, they run straight through without a pause
cant grasp the concept of any of these thoughts
theyre running wild while i am trapt
nothings clear anymore
everything is all mixed up
cant see straight
i think its fate but know its not
cant grasp reality
its all one big conspiracy

old poems of mine2004-12-03 15:34:14 ET

all life forms shatter
but it doesnt matter
the end will come for all but some
the end is near, the fear is here
the ones i see surrounding me
they wish to live, may god forgive
dont make me die
i wish to stay, 'til my last day
and if i may find my way
i praise the lord
i cant afford to die here and now
death's success not i allow.

Days Be Told
the constant yawn approaching dawn
the eyes still shut, the barking mutt
the normal things on normal days
that tell us how the day will be
but sometimes changed, changing the thought
so all will know how the day will go
then diferent days and days untold
as night comes forth, the walls will fold
thoughts may run, but more will come
and soon for thee, answers we'll see
as i run to thee
[these are old poems dont forget]
The truth i seek remains unseen
the lies i reek wont go away
i cant tell how, i cant tell why
all i know is its all a lie
the fairytales from childhood
the gun stories from the hood
my whole life has been a lie
i dont know who to trust or what to believe
the world wont stop lieing to me
i hate it so much
i cant stand to live much longer
i just want to die
but while im here i shall be the cause or a shed tear
the cause of a childs fear
or maybe even the cause of someone's joy.

The Darkened Days
Its dark inside, dark all around
how can you see, when you cant see me?
I cant see ahead, i cant see behind
the bad days rewind and repeat for so long
they seem to never end, they go on forever
they ruin sunny days and cancel happy smiles
they ruin reputations and destroy healthy thoughts,
disable self-esteem, and overload frustration.
they dramatize confusion and annialate security creating paranoia
Its impossible to overcome, unthinkable to override, and unwise to overthink
If you try, you will die and if you die they will lie
they will say "you did this," "how could yo do this?"
they will be convienced that you killed yourself
but you and i know the truth
It wasnt us ... it was the darkened days


old remidies that made pain worse2004-12-03 14:57:41 ET

tears with no lesson learned
replace pure tears of remorse
with crimson tears that make it worse
no lesson learned before
and after, only pain is more
stupidity washes through
voices screaming back and forth
anger falls away as crimson tears
Pure tears disappear once more
as crimson tears reappear
when crimson tears are washed away
all thats left is pain and shame
more pain more shame
more pain and shame
more scars to heal
more wounds wripped up
more regret spilled
and still no lesson learned
red drops make tears stop
unhealthy, i know
but it helps
i hate to cry
when it hurts so bad i cant take it,
i replace the tears.
replace the tears of remorse
with red drops much worse.
drops of anger and regret
drops of fear and worried thoughts
drops of death and destruction
and the only intention is to make the tears stop.
to keep from thinking sad thoughts.
emotional pain is misplaced
as physical pain does reign
these poems are dedictated to cutters all over the world. And i want them to know ive been there, cutting is a remidy, this is true, but its also a cause of many other problems. nothing can fix your emotional turmoil except embracing it. embrace your emotions, face them head on, examine them to find out why you feel the way you do. to find out why you cut so you can stop it. so you can live your life. so that you arent so afraid. because the stronger you try to be the weaker you become, and the stronger you make yourself look or seem, the more you will hate yourself. be true to yourself and how you feel. be true to your nature and dont try to justify your behavior. fix it. if you dont like it and its in your control then fix it. dont wait around for a good time to fix it do it now. never wait for anything to happen. take charge of your life and believe in yourself, because you make who you are, you shape yourself. whatever you tell yourself every morning that is what you become. if you look at yourself and go oh my god im hidious then thats what you will portay yourself as, and thats what you will reduce yourself to. you must believ you are beautiful because you really are. you are everything you want to be and more. be all you can be. nothing less will do. just be true to you. make yourself happy. dont worry about them they have nothing to do with you and your life. theyre just a part of it they dont control your life- you do so make it what you want to make it. be aware of the consequences of your action and stay on track.
dont give up and dont let anyone bring you down. and when i say anyone i mean yourself included. live life so you will be remembered for who you are and not just who they want you to be, or who you want to be. be yourself and nothing else. because i love you nomatter what you do. take care of yourself

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