|3 years later||2009-07-01 14:40:40 ET|
I spezify my username and find this old blog that I was never dedicated to but which nevertheless recorded part of an important period in my life. Wowza.
So I am single in spirit, independent in mind and sound in body. Yay, me.
I have pieced myself back together from the wreck of the triad that felt like it ended me back in 2006 and risen above the emotional baggage it left. I have a great place in Long Beach that I love, I have two adorable cats, I have love, I have friends, I have good times.
I still like the idea of updating this about once a month. A better snap-shot of my general state of mind that doesn't get bogged down by the riotously fleeting details of day-to-day crap. We'll see if I stick to that.
Otherwise, if you've happened upon this blog, how are you today and how is that different than how you were today last year?
|I eat cannibals||2006-05-04 01:52:09 ET|
It's only been a few days but it feels like so much longer. This whole weekend, so much went down, I feel a kind of jet lag. But, now they're moved into their own place.
I've been looking for a new place to live. Either a single or a fairly spacious room in a friendly, organized, drug-free house. I've been looking on the west side of LA in particular and in Long Beach or anywhere along the 405 between LBC and Santa Monica except Inglewood and the whole LAX area because it is narsty. I feel a bit discouraged about this though because I get the vague, not entirely unfounded impression that no one cares to have me closer at hand. Nevertheless, I have looked at a single in Santa Monica (which would be the only place I could afford in that area as rent is adjusted for my income range) and will be looking at some places in Carson (one of which proclaims itself to be a party house--oh joy) and Long Beach presently.
It has come to my attention also that my place of work will be moving from Santa Monica to Beverly Hills in the next couple months so I may not want to move to Santa Monica after all.
I kind of hate Fox.
I miss sex. I mean dirty, nasty, bruising, hair-pulling, face-slapping, biting, sodomizing, rough and tumble. I don't even remember what it's like to feel like a cheap dirty slut. I'm not even sure how I'd react to being treated thus for that matter; I haven't been marked in so long. I'm way outside of the mindset and I miss it but at this point I have trouble seeing how I could be immersed in it again.
I have a show later this month but I feel too sad and lonely to paint. No inspiration, little motivation, I'm just bummed when I'm alone so I've taken to retreating into books again. Unfortunately, my library is well-read. I need to buy new books to read. Must feed my addiction!
Gods I suppose I should brainstorm. No storms in my brain though. Bleargh.
Flashback: I'm listening to Total Coelo - I Eat Cannibals playing on Radio Nigel and I remembered suddenly my mother telling me that when I was a toddler it was my favorite song and I'd bounce to it endlessly like the little omnivore I was.
"Your love is so edible--to me. I eat cannibals!" --made of cheese.
Oh. Something funny and creepy and sad: S L O W L Y D O W N W A R D
|march||2006-03-13 02:05:58 ET|
I'm working on pieces for the CIA show [California Institute of Abnormalarts] that my friend Syren is producing. Haven't gotten started on the portrait of a siren for Syren yet. Still doing sketches for Jupiter. Still working on the portrait of Glenn for his momma.
I found the art store.
I haven't heard from former boyfriend B. He is a memory of the past now.
I'm working things out with boyfriend A and my ex gf who is also his girlfriend.
Specifically I'm working things out with him to a point where he can trust that I won't leave him again but he can be okay with me seeing and playing with other people. We're constantly figuring shit out and it's exhausting. I've already come to the conclusion with one pair of potential play friends/lovers that it just won't work out at this time because boyfriend A and the male of the other pair are both too controlling and territorial. Blah.
Also, I WILL NEVER JOIN THE NINTENDO GROUP.
More financial and relationship troubles to come in my next update.
|mid-february||2006-02-16 21:57:01 ET|
I hate this cheese background. WTF Turbo?!? I HATE CHEESE!!!
Here. Here is your new entry, damn you.
Boyfriend B hasn't called in awhile. Bastardo. Too busy being a screenwriter, I guess.
I got a commission to paint a siren composite (both bird-like and fish-like features combined in the female form) that will create a nice bit of side cash once I complete it.
I'm continuing to work on the sketches/panels for my composer-friend, Jupiter, and his tracks that he wants to compile in a CD (where my illustrations will be published in the booklet/jacket).
I need to go back to the potrait of my friend Glenn I was working on. So sorry Glenn. I know your momma wants it already.
I desperately want to start making some amigurumi critters and have contemplated participating in the Plushie Contest at deviantART.com.
So much happening these next few weeks.
My new musical love is Kennedy. I'll be seeing his next two shows.
I need to find the art store in my area. I've been living at my new place for three weeks plus now and still haven't found the art store. Art galleries...no art stores...wtf is wrong with this picture?
Most important thing happening is my special day with boyfriend A. I'm looking forward to it, perhaps a little too much. I'm contemplating finding some other people to play/be with who can help me take care of my mostly physical affection needs--but who won't bring drama. Yah, good luck.
I feel by turns exhilirated or dull and stretched thin. There will be no peace.
|february||2006-02-05 21:40:03 ET|
Yeah I keep forgetting about this.
My car is crapped out over something stupid and small. The fuel filter. It's old and sediment gathers at the bottom of the tank and has finally (through persistent efforts to run out of gas while driving down the freeway) been sucked up to block the fuel filter. Like someone who's circulation has been cut off, my car goes dead in spots, making for a stuttery drive with lots of flashing of hazards.
I'm being friends with everyone now but only some of them give me benes. Most of all I want benes from Q but I set it all in motion there and I won't get any until I can pull myself together and accept certain borderline unacceptable realities of fact. I feel like a yo-yo and sometimes I think it's not worthwhile but sometimes I think it is. If I could see it as being all his fault, I would bail but since I can't and that's not the case, c'est la vie. [GOT THAT TURBO? C'est. La. Vie.]
I'm pseudo-destitute. My weekly meal budget is for ten Banquet frozen dinners. And maybe some ramen and milk. I definitely need milk because I have piles of cereal. Not good cereal. Cheap cereal.
I got my hair hacked and splurged on new garments that I can't afford but shopping lifts my spirits and I've been bummed and fuck-it it's cheaper than therapy.
No nappy time was had today. So-o sleepy.