New    2005-07-23 19:50:54 ET
Did you ever really love me?
She's desire beneath a streetlight
And this feels more like a fire on the inside
With her name coming to life as my mouth spits the gasoline
Is this a dream or is this really happening
Like I'm dieing everyday instead of living
This is never put the right way but I'm trying
Cuz no one says my name like you do breathing in the night
This surrounding city is nothing without that believe me
To cast away the shallow lies
Is to curse my palms with the itch for the pen
I'm found in a better state when letter and page are one in the same
Connect me to her thoughts as I think this through
This is lust or it's love - nothing to tell me different nothing to prove
And I'm breathing with both eyes closed for peace, for calm, and for you
Think this ambitious pretentious but nothing short of wishful
It's just me here without the others to stop us
So show me your hands, I'm not taking any chances
Should have checked your lips instead but it's too late for me now
Just get out while you still can
I'll hold them back with all the words tied to the heart
Oh it's so threatening
And somehow I know which way to go and you never had a choice
Oh it's so demanding
So push back the throng of teeth and nails all around you
And wait for an apologetic shyness you don't deserve
Yeah I know how appealing that sounds right about now
It stings like boiling water on the softest of skin
Caught off guard backed against the most cunning of walls
Of steam that melts and pulls away the hands of clocks
They watch and they wait and when the chance comes to strike
And we will be numb at noon or by a quarter till
Whichever I choose I hide behind
Left or right and I've got 20/20 in either eye
And this is more than just a name written in the crudest of manuscripts
This soreness since I decided to awake with more than just a smile
Of the desire beget of the want and -
I need the struggle of battles fought again and again
Patience fails to lock it's fingers and I go alone like always
With futility born of brutality against heart and -
It's mine against yours until the bitter end
Falling head over heels into the flames
It burns - oh yes - it burns like hell
But it means you were really alive
And really here and there, turned on and torn off
Like paper wings melting in the sun
She's desire beneath a streetlight at night
And I'm hiding in the dark

 This is what I'm thinking...    2005-07-18 18:35:19 ET
I have decided that I must enter a poetry contest. It's three to five pieces ranging in genre and type and pretty much everything... so I would like to see how my work stands up. I'm not sure which ones I would like to enter in but I've narrowed them down to something like 20 pieces that I really loved writing and really love rereading. But yeah... that's what I'm thinking.

I'm also thinking about when I finally move into my apartment in August and finish up this last year and half of school. I graduate December 2006 and then it's done. So I'm looking forward to it with much anticipation.

And now the real reason why I am writing this. I have a question to put forth...

"When is life not tragic?"

I don't know if I've asked this same question in the past but I am really feeling it now. I just don't understand why people must qualify life with the good things that happen... I do believe that life is in the end one tragedy tied to another. It's the way you view each tragedy that makes life worth living and thus makes you feel better about each respective event that changes your life. I do believe in good things happening and being optimistic but if life is looked at in a mathematical sense it is, in the end, tragic. Now don't take this as me saying "be a fatalist or a nihilist or some other -ist that is not an optimist" not all my intention... I just want to pose why I would ask such a thing and my thoughts on it and see what other people have to say. But yeah... all in all my life is good right now. Sure I've got shit that hangs over me and I've got moods where I'm pretty damn pessimistic but this is not spurned by that. I was just thinking about life and all that... what every twenty-something does.

Anyways... I will end with a quote.

"The best things in life are nearest: Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you. Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life's plain, common work as it comes, certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things in life."
- Robert Louis Stevenson
1 comment

     2005-05-26 05:20:12 ET
Just got back from New York New York...

fun was had and did and yeah

I want to move there now... so it's a toss up... East or West... take your pick. If I was rich I would so do both.

 Oooh... another another...    2005-05-10 13:44:14 ET
So I just can't stop it now. I take a break from like 6 months and then suddenly I'm just going crazy. I wrote this one lastnight. Kind of confusing but I will try and break it up in an understandable fashion.

Everyone's An Actor And They Keeping Asking For Their Lines
With little more than a whisper
I can feel a question perched on the edge of pursed lips
Cheeks in full bloom and ready to spring forth
She cracks a smile

"Is it fruitless searching for someone in hopes of giving life meaning
All the while knowing that meaninglessness is what life is about?"

In a classic modern manner that Kierkergaard and Becket would be proud
And I'm seemingly calm as my mind races
Waiting for some scrap of conscious to rush forth in a beautiful lie

"The truth is that making sense of existence
Is to accept the nonsense"
and I'm home free
Cloaked in a warm blanket of pretext and pride
Like I'm singing along to "Existentialism on Prom Night"
With volume muted, reciting and repeating my favorite lines
Til the moment passes with the break of bitter first light

"Am I jealous of the ones before me" she asks with eyes wide
Begging me to answer "You shouldn't be"
But I think I'll let her words settle in the oncoming dawn
Like an infant carefully craddled in its mother's arms
In hopes to see a vision through this fog of uncertainty
So that when I answer "Well whatever do you mean"
I play the fool to the ever-crooked "T"

This corruption has made it well past midnight
And she is playing the fool too
"The pretty words aren't buying me this time
Like I'm some cheap charlatan bride"

"You mean concubine"
"Exactly what I had in mind"

I just can't keep surrounding myself in a fortress of lies
And I let out a startled sigh in the form of
"We are trapped in an endless web of gravity and circumstance
And the others are exactly that for any other wouldn't do
Except you tonight"
and like that she disappears into an ashen image
Of transformed life with eyes like the actions of a mime
Begging for something begging for anything more
And I can feel her hips pressed into mine
Searching with my mouth to seal out the devilish quiet

"You are my bridge of hopes over fruitility
Connecting my to a life I only pretended to be living"

Within a moment I saw a single beam of light
Imploring it's way through the branches of the overhead tree
Engulfing the flawless beauty of her cheeks

And I'm opening my eyes to a flurry of
"Oh what rueful day may bring in punishing our glorious night
From dusk til dawn I have fallen and risen like the sun
Searching for where my love has gone and fled to out of sight"

With pause and thought and one surest answer to seal it with a kiss
"Mine...I have found and yours I will surely miss"

 Well crapola... it's another.    2005-05-09 17:14:13 ET
"Alas! Poor Yorick... I Knew Him Well"
By the marks on my neck I can trace your fingernails across my flesh
And on the arch of your spine I can follow where my thoughts were etched
Like dueling fighters, swords drawn in the shape of a kiss
Passions mounting with every brush across your lips
Breath in the faintest of hints of your intoxicating scent
The small of your back raised and ready
A one-sided struggle that I'm not even fighting
And this is as close to murder as I can imagine
Reality never stung so good as when you run me through to the bone and back
And awakening in my own emotions is like waking for the first time
Caught in the death-struggle with every deficiency that I am
Thrusting quick, blade whistling in the wind
You are the silencer to my mouth again and again
And I can't help but wear thin with every invasion of your skin
The world of war and love and little less to begin
With white flag raised
I've got nothing left but fear and you
And your not something I'm ready to run from

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