| My brain is getting old. 2005-02-12 20:15:53 ET |
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I haven’t updated much lately. I’ve been feeling... like always, decayed and such. By moments I dream on having hopes and chances to do something else...
Whatever, I felt bad that last Friday I had an exam in which I totally sucked ass, I know I flunked it, I didn’t even finish it, actually I think it was quite long, but mainly I know it was my fault. I don’t what’s with me lately, I got very distracted while answering the exam, and by moments I don’t know what else to do, then get very obnoxious about this distracted-like feeling, I couldn’t think with clarity, and made me think of the problems to solve very slow, yes, very damn slow, then, almost 10 minutes before the hour to end up I star thinking again with more clarity, but of course, it’s too late. Fuck, I know I could do well that exam bur I don’t know what happening with me lately, like I’m getting slower to think in stuff like this or I don’t know. Damn.
Just an hour ago I was practicing with the violin again, and I was feeling incredibly well at my playing, it’s strange, I’m not always very content at how I’m playing, due to either the intonation the times or the bowing, there’s always many stuff that I don’t like of my playing and other times I do feel like I’m playing very bad, but just a while ago, I don’t know why but I though I was playing very well... mmh, too bad, like always there wasn’t anyone to hear me (and if there were I’d irremediable get very nervous or shy and thus play bad).
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| woe 2005-02-04 20:18:51 ET |
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What a day. Switching quite opposite moods. From laughing and feeling somehow content to wishing I was never born.
In the morning, at school, at first everything normal, enjoyed the burrito for breakfast, then the in last class we had a lab practice and as usual is mostly a mess. There were two groups so it was very crowded and some material was already taken. The teacher just sits to rest his fat ass for the chattering with other teachers. Concerning the practice I just couldn’t understand some stuff and got really lost at some point; so I started to think again on my career, maybe I’m really just a fucked up. I’m not sure of how am I going to end up. Again I’m starting to think that whenever I finish my studies if I am lucky the best job I could fit in is just as a math teacher. I’m such a mess for dealing with other practical things.
Then, after classes I went to a bar with some classmates, like some Fridays we tend to go. Played pool for two hours and had some beer, which in the process of playing and drinking started feeling well again, laughing and enjoying the game. Just some while after that, like always, some of the effects of alcohol get me a bit sad and depressed, for it makes me wonder again on my ‘social’ life. All my other classmates are talking and talking about stuff and shit I barely I’m aware of.
After that I had to hurry to go back home to pick up the violin and return to school, because I have still one class more at 7pm, and an unfortunate thing happened. While doubling the corner to get inside the parking lot I guess I didn’t calculate well and hit part of the entrance door with the tire and flattened it. The security guard wrote down my name and control number because the hit affected the door as well, so some thing broke and has to be welded, and some person is supposed to communicate to me later to fix this issue. Whatever. My main concern was the flat tire. It’s not my car, it’s my father’s, so I thought it was my responsibility to call him, so I did and he came. I thought I was fucking screwed and he was going to lecture me a load of shit about it. For my huge surprise he was very kind and helped me change the tire without much lecturing, he just told me to keep being more careful with the size of it (a 91 Voyager) when doubling corners like this. In spite of that I was at that moment feeling really worse than I could tell, I just wanted to die and disappear from everywhere. I feel so damn stupid and useless to this world, I have nothing to contribute here, I’m dumb and clumsy; sometimes I feel like I could be of better use if I only followed orders, like a slave or something, maybe I’d be a better butler than anything I am now. All this shit with the car because I was on a hurry to get on time at the class at 7pm just so the teacher shows up to tell us there wasn’t going to be class for today. I really just wanted to die, I didn’t want to care of anything else; so many things passed through my head. I’m just a futile fuck.
To end up that day, I went to the music classes. Fridays we play a string quartet but the cello guy didn’t show up and as usual the first violin sucks ass, she’s older and I don’t mean to sound rude but she just doesn’t play at the necessary level to play this music. Anyways, later on the director joined us playing the bass to fill the quartet. The music really helped me a lot to get distracted about all the bad stuff. I really have an addiction for music. Even though, at times, the social environment there isn’t that pleasant as well.
In resume, I haven’t been feel cheerful to keep stealing the oxygen from you all there who really need it. I want to sleep.
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| dolorosa 2005-02-03 19:52:58 ET |
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I doesn’t matter what kind of mood I might be right now; I could be really sad or amusingly content, but everyday... ehrr, everynight, when the lights go off and I have my head on the pillow I keep having the same thoughts. Sometimes a tear begs to come out. Sometimes I think I have Anthropophobia (fear to society) mixed with Agoraphobia (fear of crowded places). I can’t help it. I just happen to be very quiet, very shy, so timid, so scared of saying or doing something. I don’t know how would it be if... I ..., I don’t know.
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| back to studying 2005-01-26 19:19:21 ET |
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It had been long since I didn’t update here, it’s just that I wasn’t having enough time or just didn’t feel well to write anything.
Classes finally started on Monday. I’m kind of worry about the subject that I’m coursing again I must not flunk it again, I ought to make it this time; yet, I’m kind of worry because this teacher seems to be a lot more demanding than the other one. Sighs, I’ll have to put more attention this time. Other than that it’s sort of nice seeing classmates again.
I don’t know what else to say by the moment, every time I remember something when get back to the computer I forget what was about it. Hopefully I may have another interesting dream so I can write about it.
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| drawing 2005-01-20 19:33:04 ET |
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Yesterday I cut myself when shaving, I guess I was really distracted thinking in a lot of things that I didn’t noticed until some moments after that I felt some blood, but nothing serious.
Well, I finally finished the drawing of the wolf I had been doing, it’s in the gallery in case some one to take a look at it. I know I’m not very familiar with drawing landscapes and animals, and I’m not sure that I accomplished the right tones for shading, but at least it was nice doing some drawing since I had almost a year without drawing. I’m not exactly sure what to think of this drawing of the wolf, I just know I needed a lot of patience, I hope someone likes it.
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