My brain is getting old.    2005-02-12 20:15:53 ET
I havenít updated much lately. Iíve been feeling... like always, decayed and such. By moments I dream on having hopes and chances to do something else...

Whatever, I felt bad that last Friday I had an exam in which I totally sucked ass, I know I flunked it, I didnít even finish it, actually I think it was quite long, but mainly I know it was my fault. I donít whatís with me lately, I got very distracted while answering the exam, and by moments I donít know what else to do, then get very obnoxious about this distracted-like feeling, I couldnít think with clarity, and made me think of the problems to solve very slow, yes, very damn slow, then, almost 10 minutes before the hour to end up I star thinking again with more clarity, but of course, itís too late. Fuck, I know I could do well that exam bur I donít know what happening with me lately, like Iím getting slower to think in stuff like this or I donít know. Damn.

Just an hour ago I was practicing with the violin again, and I was feeling incredibly well at my playing, itís strange, Iím not always very content at how Iím playing, due to either the intonation the times or the bowing, thereís always many stuff that I donít like of my playing and other times I do feel like Iím playing very bad, but just a while ago, I donít know why but I though I was playing very well... mmh, too bad, like always there wasnít anyone to hear me (and if there were Iíd irremediable get very nervous or shy and thus play bad).

 woe    2005-02-04 20:18:51 ET
What a day. Switching quite opposite moods. From laughing and feeling somehow content to wishing I was never born.

In the morning, at school, at first everything normal, enjoyed the burrito for breakfast, then the in last class we had a lab practice and as usual is mostly a mess. There were two groups so it was very crowded and some material was already taken. The teacher just sits to rest his fat ass for the chattering with other teachers. Concerning the practice I just couldnít understand some stuff and got really lost at some point; so I started to think again on my career, maybe Iím really just a fucked up. Iím not sure of how am I going to end up. Again Iím starting to think that whenever I finish my studies if I am lucky the best job I could fit in is just as a math teacher. Iím such a mess for dealing with other practical things.

Then, after classes I went to a bar with some classmates, like some Fridays we tend to go. Played pool for two hours and had some beer, which in the process of playing and drinking started feeling well again, laughing and enjoying the game. Just some while after that, like always, some of the effects of alcohol get me a bit sad and depressed, for it makes me wonder again on my Ďsocialí life. All my other classmates are talking and talking about stuff and shit I barely Iím aware of.

After that I had to hurry to go back home to pick up the violin and return to school, because I have still one class more at 7pm, and an unfortunate thing happened. While doubling the corner to get inside the parking lot I guess I didnít calculate well and hit part of the entrance door with the tire and flattened it. The security guard wrote down my name and control number because the hit affected the door as well, so some thing broke and has to be welded, and some person is supposed to communicate to me later to fix this issue. Whatever. My main concern was the flat tire. Itís not my car, itís my fatherís, so I thought it was my responsibility to call him, so I did and he came. I thought I was fucking screwed and he was going to lecture me a load of shit about it. For my huge surprise he was very kind and helped me change the tire without much lecturing, he just told me to keep being more careful with the size of it (a 91 Voyager) when doubling corners like this. In spite of that I was at that moment feeling really worse than I could tell, I just wanted to die and disappear from everywhere. I feel so damn stupid and useless to this world, I have nothing to contribute here, Iím dumb and clumsy; sometimes I feel like I could be of better use if I only followed orders, like a slave or something, maybe Iíd be a better butler than anything I am now. All this shit with the car because I was on a hurry to get on time at the class at 7pm just so the teacher shows up to tell us there wasnít going to be class for today. I really just wanted to die, I didnít want to care of anything else; so many things passed through my head. Iím just a futile fuck.

To end up that day, I went to the music classes. Fridays we play a string quartet but the cello guy didnít show up and as usual the first violin sucks ass, sheís older and I donít mean to sound rude but she just doesnít play at the necessary level to play this music. Anyways, later on the director joined us playing the bass to fill the quartet. The music really helped me a lot to get distracted about all the bad stuff. I really have an addiction for music. Even though, at times, the social environment there isnít that pleasant as well.

In resume, I havenít been feel cheerful to keep stealing the oxygen from you all there who really need it. I want to sleep.

 dolorosa    2005-02-03 19:52:58 ET
I doesnít matter what kind of mood I might be right now; I could be really sad or amusingly content, but everyday... ehrr, everynight, when the lights go off and I have my head on the pillow I keep having the same thoughts. Sometimes a tear begs to come out. Sometimes I think I have Anthropophobia (fear to society) mixed with Agoraphobia (fear of crowded places). I canít help it. I just happen to be very quiet, very shy, so timid, so scared of saying or doing something. I donít know how would it be if... I ..., I donít know.

 back to studying    2005-01-26 19:19:21 ET
It had been long since I didnít update here, itís just that I wasnít having enough time or just didnít feel well to write anything.

Classes finally started on Monday. Iím kind of worry about the subject that Iím coursing again I must not flunk it again, I ought to make it this time; yet, Iím kind of worry because this teacher seems to be a lot more demanding than the other one. Sighs, Iíll have to put more attention this time. Other than that itís sort of nice seeing classmates again.

I donít know what else to say by the moment, every time I remember something when get back to the computer I forget what was about it. Hopefully I may have another interesting dream so I can write about it.

 drawing    2005-01-20 19:33:04 ET
Yesterday I cut myself when shaving, I guess I was really distracted thinking in a lot of things that I didnít noticed until some moments after that I felt some blood, but nothing serious.

Well, I finally finished the drawing of the wolf I had been doing, itís in the gallery in case some one to take a look at it. I know Iím not very familiar with drawing landscapes and animals, and Iím not sure that I accomplished the right tones for shading, but at least it was nice doing some drawing since I had almost a year without drawing. Iím not exactly sure what to think of this drawing of the wolf, I just know I needed a lot of patience, I hope someone likes it.

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