Shrinking.    2003-01-10 19:13:19 ET
Long entry below

Wednesday. Due to some past issues I needed to go back to some place to solve those problems, in that place I knew that the girl, the one I once felt interested in her beauty but never dared to meet her and only gave her a drawing of her, she, that the emailed me some times about the drawing and I replied her several times as well, her name Kathy, I knew she was going there too. And I felt scared and shy. So went there, also carrying the drawings I made of her so that if by chance I could see her I would gave them to her and meet her. But I saw her, and I walked away. I was scared I didnít know what to do. So, all depressed because of my failures I just went back home.

Thursday. Again, it was my duty to go back there because my issues there were going to be off until Friday. And I knew she would be there again as well; Again, my woe was about to show. I was starting to become more insane about this, which in some way I could translate it as good perhaps because the more out of reality I am the more easy is to do something that I normally canít. So I went there, but this time I saw her from far and I turned back: I was scared that she could see me, so I only saw her by the reflect of the glass of one window I was in front of. So lame again did what have to do there and was about going home again when something even more lame happened: I was walking through the sidewalk when I saw her she was walking in the same lane with one friend of hers, they were coming towards me, I didnít know what to do, I pretended I didnít see them facing to the floor and keep walking... so I just passed near them like about for 3 meters at most... I just couldnít believe it! I was so closed to her. I stopped and see the walking away and asked myself ďWhy?Ē This is not normal, Iím damned, Iím useless, what am I doing? Why?

Friday. This had been too much, it couldnít have been truth, but I know it was. Anyway, I had to go back there still. This time I tried to have more guts than ever and finally do something, the least I could do would be to just give her the drawings and say thanks or something. I was practically dead of shyness, I felt like a zombie, what else could I risk? So, I went, waited a few minutes but didnít see her, she didnít seem to appear, I thought that she had already left so I better decided to enter the room where I was normally going to deal my stuff when I got amazed by seeing her coming out from there... I thought ďthis is my chance, probably the last oneĒ. I take out the folder where I had the drawings so I could give it to her, but some people came near by, probably their friends, they came and she went with them so I just ... I just couldnít do it... I thought ďn... no, I canít just go and give it to her in front of all of them... I couldnít... I ...canítĒ. So, I better decided to do my stuff and wait if by chance she would stay there for a while so when I finished I could try it again. So, it was she stayed there around with some people, I finished my stuff, came out of the room, looked around outside and I did see her... she was already leaving, but she was taking another direction she normally doesnít, she was leaving with those people... so... ...I could not. I failed... again. Perhaps forever...

I guess no one on this earth could feel empathy for me about this. This is just not normal, am I excessively that shy? Why? I canít do it right thus Iím useless. This experience will remain in my memory torturing myself for too long. Fuck, it seems itís when people tell me that itís going to be right it gets worse. I did draw her one more time while seeing her this time (well described above), I scanned and mailed her, but I guess she knows now who I am, I do think she also saw me watching her, thus Iím even more worried now if I ever get to meet her, what would she think? Sheíll probably ask me why didnít I say something to her, why was I acting like that, oh, what will I answer, I donít know... what I do know is that Iíll have one more chance this next Wednesday, Iíll have to go for one more time... and I know she will too as well. But, will I be now more insane and finally have guts to show me in front of her? I can only wait.

 Impossibility.    2003-01-07 19:40:42 ET

Well many people would easily come up with many things when someone asks ďwhat would you with a one hundred thousand or million dollarsĒ? or whatever amount of money that for many of us is too much money. Well, I know many people would just spend it with material things, travels, inversions and such, but just right now, since a couple of years ago, -I admit Iíd also spend it in material stuff, like CDs, etc., but- I mostly was thinking in spending it to study to become:
  • A Painter.
  • A Philosopher.
  • A Sculptor.
  • A Violinist.
  • A Theoretical Physician.
  • An Astronaut.
  • A Music Composer.

    So yes, I think Iíd take classes of all that if I could, because all of it seems to take much effort studying.
  •  I can't fit.    2003-01-04 21:27:06 ET
    Here I sit again... thinking, wondering, using only my mind. Feeling everyday the same awareness of my life. Feeling pathetically sad and lame. I donít know if I really have friends or not, but from my shyness experience I can tell that I maybe am now even more afraid to love someone, for I know that I wouldnít be able to handle it like someone else... or that no one else would handle it like me. But still... I do would at least to take some risk and do something, but itís this uncertainty of doing things bad or wrong that keeps bugging me in almost everything I do, whatever it is.
    From the above, it was thought out from the experience I felt when being within the orchestra and playing the violin with them... itís just that I felt so alone, but more than just alone, miserable. I couldnít fit at anything they were talking, doing, thinking. I canít seem to fit wherever I go, why, is it then that my mind is really different from many or Iím their so-called devil. Really, I just seem very often that people laugh and I donít, and laugh when they donít.

    Well my father bought a digital camera for his work and such, so Iíll play with it too, I think it will be better if I post up a pick of my self here, because the previous one didnít came up very well, so... mmh... Iíll see about it later.
    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
    2:47 am
    UPDATE: I just posted a pic of me. Go puke.

     Weekend.    2002-12-29 19:12:05 ET
    Lets see...
  • This Saturday we had this xmas concert thing, which was in another city, so the whole band we traveled on a bus to there. From the early morning (6 am) until around 2 or 3 pm I had already bad time with a headache... yes! Finally, I just had been watching other people at that theyíre sick and such and I just knew it was about my time to get sick too. So, I had a headache until I bought an aspirin and it resolute it a bit, we played twice, and came back to our city. Now the ranting part: yes like always, the whole day I was again the shyguy out there, almost never talking, no one showing any interest on me, maybe just my violin teacher did talk to me some whiles for rehearsals things and even in the bus she showed me some comics of the Lenore girl, I had heard of it but never seen it until then. Anyhow, I was most of the day some quiet ...ugh I did look very lonesome... I really lost my humor sense or I just donít get the jokes or chanting they were all laughing and ...seeming happy... I donít know. I just canít seem to fit anywhere I go. I think the only funny part was when we all were done playing and coming back to our city, in the bus we were eating and some dude started eructing and everyone liked... finally something Ďrudeí-like of my world, so they stared doing this eructing contest, even my violin teacher eructed too, and all the little girls were laughing so they eructed too, heh, that was nice, watching 8~14 year old girls eructing, they were all applauding when someone did one, they even made eruct too.... mmh, I normally do eruct a lot ONLY when Iím within men, I never do such thing in front of women, ok so I may not be a lame ass gentleman, but I do try to respect ladies in a way, anyway, they ere the ones asking me to eruct, so... well, I did only once.

  • CLONING Yes! I assume you all have finally heard the notice, the first human born by cloning!!! I was laughing my ass out of the way in the news they were interviewing a lot of priests and religious people, all of them claiming the ďscience is playing being GodĒ.... ah hahahah, this makes me ask myself about the girl born, Eva, poor of her when she grows, knowing people perhaps there will be a lot yelling at her Ďmonsterí or something like that, oh well, only thing I can hope it that she doesnít suffer much, because you know, this is the first product of one scientific great advance, and we know that not all the first experiments at something always end up well until itís improved. Plus, it seems there are also now 4 other people in queue for having a child cloned, weíll see what happens next. So far, congratulations for the hard work science is providing for us.

  • Today, I continued painting the artwork in which I currently am , Iím almost done, Iíll post it here as soon as I finish it, though this will be my third painting I still think I suck at it, Iím not good, I can only hope that experience and time with patience help me improve my skills and someday I may paint something I like.

  • Thatís all for now.

     I want a Santa girl to slap me.    2002-12-27 09:02:14 ET
    Well, Christmas thing passed. All my family, cousins, uncles and aunts stayed at my grandparents house for that night... ugh, imagine my face... how fucking horrible!
    Well, at least my mom gave me a nice present I did want this time... it is a music sheet stand. Yep, those things were the music sheest are placed so you can see them while you're playing the instrument, and to say truth I did was hoping to go buy one of those for when practicing the violin but fortunately my mom gave me one.
    I don't know what more to say, tomorrow Saturday we'll be having another xmass concert thing, so got to go practice.

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