Damn me to the patheticness forever!!!!!!    2002-11-27 09:19:30 ET
I... I... am... so fucking... fucking miserable... fucking dirt... damn shit... I... o... ok... here it goes...

It happened the same like before, like that time, but this time I was even more coward; it was almolst the same... a cloudy day, I sat behind, I stared in awe, and I didn't do anything... I just... need more time to... think clearly... to calm down... to stop trembling...

I wish I could say like others that I'm nothing, but I do am something, negative, I am fucking human waste, fucking dirt!

 Forest.    2002-11-21 10:49:08 ET
Yeh, I hadnít been online for a while, well, letís see. Last Sunday I had the violin thingy, and also was my younger brotherís birthday, so my father give him a kitty. Itís a female, sheís very young, barely a month old I think. I told him to name her Selina Kyle (like catwoman heheh) but he didnít want to, so he named her ďNagaĒ, who knows where the fuck did he get that nameÖ

Anyway, later, an old friend from high school came to ask me if I could draw him some comic strips for work or something; he gave me some photos of some dudes that he wanted me to draw, so this week Iíve been going back to my old style of drawing comic strips, itís kind of amusing but I canít detail them that much because I need to finish it by Saturday or Sunday, and Iím very slow, I think itíll be in total like 5 or 4 pages and Iím almost done with the 3rd. After this Iíll coma back to the detailed drawing I do now days, and maybe try to paint something.

 Nice musicians or just terrible ugly me.    2002-11-17 17:26:05 ET
So, Thursday and Friday I had been sad because I couldnít make to go to the violin concert I wanted to go. Then, Saturday I went to my violin lessons and then had rehearsal there with many others this time, then they finally said that weíre going to actually perform 2 melodies for a presentation thing, the melodies I had been practicing for Sunday (today), so we did and today at midday we went to that thing where normally the normal teachers/students of the Musical Art Institute play, so the professor told the to the few audience to there where like creating a new little group of new students, which is where I am now, and that this was our very first try. So we... kind of played something... man weíre just the fuckest amateurs ever! At least I think I suck! Amusing was how in the first melody our conductor was our teacher Susy and she did pretty well. Then we finished and another few students, all kids, played several tunes too in piano and violin, just to see how they were going. Then, finally! The real musicians entered in scene. The group where my teacher, a friend and many others, played some classical melodies. I what I have to add is that the professor told us to wear white shirt with black pants, but I didnít have any white shirt so I brought a gray one... yeah, look at the fucked up dude there with a different color of shirt, yes, the damn asshole there doing what he does best: being shit: me; what ever.

Well then, the show thingy ended the place was quite far away from home and I was about to go seek for a taxi when I saw my teacher Susy with her mother and she asked me how was I going to leave, I answered that in taxi and she asked me if I wanted to come with them in the car so then they could take me to a place closer to take a bus. I was like 2 seconds astonished and then I said Iíd be very glad to. So I went with them, my teacher Susy, her younger sister, her boyfriend, another guy (all of them also from the group that played) and her mom. So we were all in the car; they were like joking around about their issues and of how they played and their personal stuff, while I was still astonished of how they were so nice to me being by giving me a ride, I just couldnít believe I was within them just like any of them, I... I mean... itís just ... I think that was REALLY nice what they did... or is it that Iím used to many evil and bad things that I felt so shy and timid just listening to them. Anyway, they finally took me a place where I could take a bus by myself, Susyís boyfriend opened the car trunk, I took away my violin case and thanked them very much. I took a bus and arrived home.

But yet, I just canít believe how is that they offered me to go with them, I... just think it felt nice, I mean, Iím just a new student from them, they have been in the institute for years obviously and yet they treated me friendly. But then again I just feel like I didnít deserve it; while theyíre talking in the car, laughing and such, I was shyly quiet (either because I didnít get most of the humor [perhaps Iím way more apathetic now that Iíve lost a bit humor] or was it that I was still wondering about it), I just feel Iím not worth it to be with them. Fuck my head, every time study these behaviors from people I recognize I donít worth almost nothing; Iím just a fucking disgrace of mental chaos wondering shit.

 Missed it.    2002-11-15 12:01:49 ET
Well, Iím kind of sad because I really, really, really wanted so much to go to the Orchestra Concert because there was going to be a presentation for Violin solos interpreted by Stefan Milenkovich with a Stradivarius!! This Stefan guy is a really talented admired violinist, was prodigy child since very young age, has played even for the pope, and was showing us a Stradivarius playing several melodies yesterday Nov 14th, such as well known "Campanella" from Paganini and violin concerts of Mendelssohn... But I couldnít go!!! Damn my fucked luck! The reason was because I didnít enough money in cash to a ford it and I couldnít take out from the bank because the card expired, and I didnít have anyone else close to take money borrowed, so I was sad I couldnít go. Even worse: The mysterious girl Iíve been writing about, emailed me saying that she was going to it, which put me sadder knowing that it might have been a good chance to finally meet her, but I couldnít assist. I wanted to go! Damn me and my fucking disgrace of shit.

 Me    2002-11-12 11:15:44 ET


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