I'm a ghost.    2002-12-22 19:42:55 ET
Well, since the last entry, which was Thursday, that we had this concert thing, next, on Friday we had another rehearsal in which the director told us that we had to learn 8 new easy and quick melodies for Sunday (today) because we would be playing with like 30 other students from other state that were coming here to play with us. So we had only Friday, Saturday and early morning of Sunday to practice and study these melodies, all Christmas related. Well, so it was. We had to 2 events, at the same place, just at different hours, first at 2 pm then at 6 pm. All those other musicians were only air instruments (or whatever its called), clarinets, oboes, trumpets, etc., and we were the strings, violins, violas, cellos, and basses. It sounded pretty cool actually; we were like 60 people counting us all gathered.

It was tired at some point, in deed, but it was nice playing like that. But, like always, I couldnít help but feeling some uncomfortable with so many people around (when not playing), ... the story just repeats again: look, the shyguy there, always quiet, why doesnít he talk? Is he or angry or sad? Yeh, well, so, when we finished the 2 pm concert was when this happened. We finished at 3 pm, had a break for lunch and rest or whatever, so I was there, just wandering around. I... well, there was even a moment in which a girl came by and asked me why was I alone, that I should come with them, so I agreed but... címon I was between this either kids or early teens... and always talking about thing I either care at all or I just could not laugh like them. Some girl even asked about 3 or 4 simple questions just to unbore me a bit, which was nice, but they left, and I just didnít know what to do. Other people average my age, weíre also there but either talking to much with their friends or hanging with their boy/girlfriends, so later I just were like a freaking ghost... but huh, whatever... Iím getting (or already am) used to it. Fuck. Do I really worth it? For something? For someone? So far not many things seem to answer that in affirmative sentence. So Iíll keep wandering like a zombie... until I finally fall.

Well, then again, at 6 pm we played again, and this time I think it result better that the 2 pm concert. Besides me there was this other girl, at least way more mature than the other kids, that I at least did talk a bit by just asking some things on how to play one part of the music score, and she helped me some. Anyways, we played, it sounded very nice the whole thing, weíll have a few other rehearsals this week and hopefully go to play again on Saturday. Ugh... yeh, I know Iíve been talking only about this violin things and such... but this is lately what Iíve been more up to. But Iíll try to keep on on my painting and/or see what else interesting I may do.

 Heads or tails? Who wants to live?    2002-12-19 20:49:59 ET
Well, a few hours ago, I got back from a presentation thing... again the people from the Art Institute wanted us to play 3 melodies, so it was in an elementary school, you know, for those xmass thingys and parents and kids and blah... Well, at first it was the little children doing their debuts, then it was us, the new little chamber orchestra of middle students, later it was the real musicians play, where my teacher Susy is in, and finally they gathered both groups, us the students ones with the advanced/teachers ones. At first when we were only the students I felt a bit odd because some girl ran and took my place where I was normally been sitting on and put me besides another kid that didnít play very well either, but at the end, when both groups gathered I got to sit just next to my gothie teacher who plays just wonderful, yup, that felt nice, weíre both 2nd Violins, so I felt good having someone near me that actually plays very well, so I felt motivated and also did my best to try to play good too. So it seems that on Saturday weíll be playing again in a mall, so more people (other than kids parents) will be showing there.

Well, I think this thing today did felt somehow good, apart from the last entry, that I kind of still like shit, so uhm, if anyone is interested in shoot me, slap me, damage me, kill me or whatever, here I am. I havenít heard really many songs from Siouxsie, Iíve heard some few, some Iíve liked some not much, but right now Iím listening ďLullabyĒ which is a really nice song in which kind of uses some violin-alike sounds at the end. Well, so Iím like a piece of shit now, and will have more free time to keep on my oils painting, if it turns well, Iíll have it finished in 2 weeks at most, and post it here.

 Woe is me.    2002-12-17 19:51:09 ET
I hadnít feel so fucking lame and despicable since so long, almost half year ago...
How was your day? Considering I wanted to suicide in the morning, Iím fine... please tell me youíve at least found better sarcasm than this. I just realized to another level that Iím useless. Why? Because for much that I could (imaging that I may do something useful) do something good at certain areas that comprehend any human action, I canít seem to proceed with it because of other issues that drag me back... and how can I pass through it? Fuck, I donít know. Iím just really tired of it. So Iím either really really really stupid and useless like the most dirty fucking piece of shit in the half of the road of others. Yes, so in the morning due to this certain issue I felt (still feeling) so fucking mediocre and miserable, my mind started thinking a hundred of things, such things no one would care or like, unless it was a high level philosopher boring trying to find something new in this miserable mind mine. I just left so such of my way of seeing things... Iím not so sure of seeing again a person as a person but another living being, another creature, another thing, like just something else, why, and specially me of course. I really wanted just to avoid life, wanted to die, to disappear, to vanish, or never have been existed, Iím just useless, I can barely interfere with otherís lives ...and yet not doing something as good as I wish I could.

I know all this ranting will sound just more stupid knowing the fact that ďcome on, like if you were the only motherfucker who feels downĒ, yes, I know, so as I said, I thought on so many things, I think I could easily predict like 3 different responses of people about this, I got to one point in which I almost felt I could see nature of existence from a singular system of ordinate functions we sometimes just call coincidence. Itís sad, just sadness, sad, how for much I could possibly revolute knowledge of many things it wouldnít be useful if I first canít fit in the society of it, irony. I could just give more and more ranting, by as time passes by I keep forgetting and procrastinating the woe so it keep getting bigger and bigger, more painfully and sadder. For now I canít seem to recall much of the mental facts I had since then, all of that chaos and crying struggles for asking to be better, to ďfitĒ somewhere, to live pleasantly with the hope the maybe someday it will be ok.

 Just one little thing on mi mind.    2002-12-07 20:49:01 ET
I've been more than one month with this little theme on my mind! I just like it very much!!!

Guess it!

 For this winter.    2002-12-04 08:26:42 ET
Well, I hadn't updated this journal for some while, well, let's see.

  • The people from the violin classes are forming again thing to play on December 17th I think, you know, two melodies for christmass thing. SO we'll be doing rehearsals on evenings.
  • I still feel mediocre about the last thing.
  • I decided to start again to paint, but I discovered (again) that I suck so much, it's just so hard (to me), damn paints mix one to another and become diferent colors when painting and it makes it look not good... I mean, who would have tought that mixing yellow with black results green? bah, it will take several years to get me to paint something neat. Meanwhile I'll just keep adoring other's works.
  • So, just some hours ago until now, I've been searching and downloading much metal, yup, from diferents genres I guess, I am just finishing downloading this and this albums, will listen them for weeks and perhaps save some money to buy them and maybe also buy this one. Besides, Olorin talked about this russian metal band and I downloaded a few tracks and liked them so probably I'll bee checking them too. Moreover by searching music like this, I remembered I just LOVED the Black Opera Simphoniae album of Opera IX, so I searched for other albums and I just found another one that doesn't seem so known, anyway, it's called Maleventum, I downloaded the first track (with the same name) and I liked it very much, so it's for sure that I'll be downloading the whole album too. Besides from that I also started searching some bands at artists.mp3s.com downloading random tracks from Otep, Jack of Jill, Mudvayne, etc.

  • Concluding, I'll have some audio to listen this winter. Will also have some patience trying to paint something and later post it here.

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