Searching    2002-11-09 18:37:02 ET
Man, yesterday I went to another performance of the local orchestra and there was a violin solo by a woman named Nonna Alakhverdova; itís kind of interesting that man y integrants of the group seem to be Russians: Anyway. She performed some violin solos that got me astonished; it really maintained me with my mouth open for a little while :o so Iím now trying to find the melodies she played at least to hear them because they kick so much ass. This also reminds me that BloodyKisses told me about this album that is a String Quartet tribute to Nine Inch Nails, that is, some songs of them played in a string quartet (2 violins, 1 viola, 1 cello); since the album was very new, she passed me tw tracks and I laiked them a lot, I thank her for it so much.

Today I went to my violin classes and it was nice. Again our kind teacher Susy was nice and helped us very well. Back home I started drawing a few sketches ...just to keep practicing the drawing thing because Iím fucking lame at doing certain figures that get me really frustrated sometimes. Right now Iím listening to Therion Ė A Summer Night City, itís a really nice song. Iíll probably also download some albums from Tristania, Therion and some other doom/black symphonic metal by IRC searching (I didnít know how to do it very well until Olorin told me, I thank him), that because I had said some time ago that I had been losing some influence of metal (due to I was very exited with the violin thing) so Iím searching and listening some songs again; on the hardcore-ish thing, VenusAngel talked about some group and I downloaded the track and also liked it a lot, as well as other heavy bands I heard a bit. So, in the mean time Iíll be searching for the violin solos I mentioned above, Iíll also be open for suggestions of metal music if anyone knows of something I might like. Mmh... also, just for fun in the morning I was taking an IQ test, which left me thinking of certain things, but right now, my hands hurt! I donít know why, my wrists are feeling very weird! Itís like if I had been frozen and all but my wrists are ok, it feels obnoxious, ahrr, it doesnít feel nice.

 I like some mysteries.    2002-11-07 11:26:35 ET
Iíve been downloading a few songs of black metal from IRC, itís hard to find from soundtracks though, but from else where can I find them? Iíll keep seeking around anyway.

Now, so far Iíve seen 5 episodes (ďlayersĒ) of Serial Experiments Lain and Iím just fucking amazed! There are 13 episodes in total, but with only these 5 seen, I can say it is one really great series! Just episodes 2 and 5 are to me the weirdest ever; I had never seen something like this, theyíre awesome! Theyíre so very, very well plotted and really interesting. Some people have even considered to compared them to the movie Matrix, but hell no, Iím from the very few people that didnít idolized that movie, I mean, it has nice fx and such but itís too precipitated and too much action on it for me, so Iím sorry if many people here like that movie but for me it wasnít that good, itís nice, but not that much for me. By the contrary, Serial Experiments Lain is fucking awesome! Itís really more complicated, and it has a lot of suspense, so much that you can barely notice the background music. This is not apt for someone who likes of action/crazy/fast sequences, this one is for someone who like drama, philosophy, mysteryÖ itís more for thinking. I need still to keep watching them to what happens next! Itís really exiting!

On another subject, I was just thinkingÖ and I havenít found many women that like modern physics (subatomic/theorical/astrological) or advanced math. Maybe Marie Curie was the last one , who knows. Because from the modern geeks, the geek-ish women are more into computers and communications, from the few people that still like this sort of science seem to be all male. Well, it was just an observation, quite strange though.

 I saw, but I couldn't be seen.    2002-11-06 08:53:28 ET
Yesterday my eyes were blessed. The girl I have been mentioning several time, the one I once give her a drawing of her without knowing us each other at all, I saw herÖ but she didnít see me. After a few times the she wrote me to my email saying that she liked the draw and I got very excited, yesterday I dared to go one more time to a place were I know she passes by, and from several times that I had passed there just to see if by chance I may see her but never had luck, and when I once thought I saw her but for fear to see her I ran out of there, now, yesterday, I saw her. I was there waiting to see her, but she didnít seem to show up, so I decided to leave, went a few block behind and I took a bus; there in the bus I was watching through the window to the street and finally I saw her there, in the bust stop, waiting for the bus too, but she didnít take it, I donít know why (she was probably tired), so everything I could do was glance at her from the window, but the window was one of those like darkened so the sunlight wonít hit too much inside the bus, that is, I could see her from the inside, but she from the outside I doubt she could have seen me. It only lasted about 15 seconds and the bus kept going on, but that little time I saw directly to her face, I was astonished so I didnít have the guts to even try to talk to her through the window, so I just saw her and she didnít see me.

The day passed by and I was still excited about it, so in the night I spent it trying so hardly to remember how she looked like to make another draw of her; so it was, I spent about an hour or more doing a Ďquickí sketch of her, but since my memory isnít that good I only ended up doing something similar to what I saw but obviously my draw isn't close to her at all, I wish I could see her more time to draw her again. So I scanned the draw and emailed her just a while ago, now Iím nervous again and donít know what to do, what will she do or think about it? This is really strange. Iím cold to think about it. Oh, and now that I recall, from many times I've written of her here, I've never said her name, so her name is Kathy. And with all of this happened the only thing I can say is that I enjoyed just watching her.

 Passion for Strings?    2002-11-02 17:38:08 ET
Today I woke up having a dream of her... the girl I donít know and donít know if go to meet her or not, it was so intriguing that dream, itís been one of the very few dreams in which I truly wake up saying to myself like ďWhat!? Was it just a dream?Ē In most of my dreams after waking up from them I recognize it as ďoh, ok, I get it, it was just a dreamĒ, but this one I got amazed how I really wanted so much it wasnít a dream; in it I apparently did have the guts to go meet her and yet be not so nervous as in real life, and she seemed kind of friendly, which leads me to a new idea... now I canít be sure how she really is, due that her behavior in my dream is completely made out of my mind because itís my brain that fabrics the dream without any knowledge of her: I donít know her at all in real life, thus, I emulated her behavior with pure imagination: a fantasy. I donít know if this makes me more scared of going meet her or more encouraged. My hands tremble.

Then, I went to the Art Institute again for the violin lessons, and in the way to it I found an old friend from high school, that I remember well heís a metalhead, at least one of the few badasses I met there, I mean, most of them were regular crap, but this guy was cool, he plays the drums and he told me that heís now giving lessons for playing the drums; it was nice to see at least someone with a piercing in an eyebrow. So, he saw me carrying the violin case and asked what was it and I answered that I was taking violin classes, he asked me where, and I told him more ore less the direction, and he then kind of recognized and asked me if I knew Susy, and I said yes, he also knew her time ago but mostly for knowing her in a band... ehjem... yes, I think I hadnít mentioned this before, but the first issue that I knew about my teacher (Susy) was that she played very well the guitar; I had only listened to her once and it amazed me, then one year after I saw her playing the violin and amazed me more, later then I decided to learn the violin and I met her. But I first knew of her for playing the guitar.

So, anyway, I then parted from the friend and went to the violin classes. Damn, sheís is just very good teaching, and, very, very good, choosing her clothes ;) heh, yes, Iím always fascinated of how she dresses, itís adorable. Anyway, one hour after, we were having the rehearsal thing and some of the other korean students came, one of them was there for having electric guitar lessons, and Susy went with him to help him out, teaching him the notating stuff, but then she took the guitar and gave him a few examples of how to play certain things and... WOW!!! Sheís amazingly GOOD as hell!!! The korean guy was immobilized watching... so was I. She did this really, really fast movements with her fingers... wow, I mean, I have seen people playing, either from dudes or on music videos from bands, and I hadnít seen nothing like this in so long! Damn, sheís hell way too good! Really! Iím not just trying to show off ďhey, my teacher kicks assĒ, no, she really is good, Iíd fucking bet anyone of here may be as good as she is. SO, she was like that playing and teaching the guy how to do it for about 15 or 20 minutes, then they were off; I just got amazed! She is a Master of Strings, I'd say. And guess who'd be gladly to be a puppet.

Now by my part Iíve been trying to practice the Love theme of The Godfather and also looking for the music sheet of the Godfather Waltz, which I also like so much, but so far I havenít had luck nor for finding it in midi format (to later rip it with a program), so I guess Iíll juts have to conform with the previous one.

 Head on a pillow.    2002-10-31 21:37:05 ET
So, as I said in the twp previous journal entries, Iíve been feeling very strange, I guess my inner malkavian feelings are back, or is it because I have been watching many thing, observing distinct behaviors, like studying the gnostic nature again and my own epistemology. Iíve taken ideas from others that also inspires my or just guide me next idea. Though I am just feeling like not wanting to care about my life, like crawling instead of walking for fear to fall down, like TeRRoR said, ďwalking woundedĒ, perhaps not for many but for me it is an interesting metaphor.
I was also thinking from the last post, of how shy am I of confronting someone in person about something I might not know how to handle, but when writing it is different, itís easier, and yet thinking is even easier. The example of this is when it comes like this: Iím about to do something but then I donít do it for fear; then I write it (here) asking myself why didnít I or why did I do that; even yet then after writing, a whole bunch of ideas come to my mind analyzing the whole situation in so many forms that I always forget when trying to write them down. It is really strange sometimes. I donít know. Iíll go now to sleep.

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