Gray or empty: me.    2002-10-30 12:06:13 ET
Yesterday I had one really weird day, not because it had been strange but because I felt weird. All day I felt so fucking empty, maybe still; I havenít been feeling to well like for cheering up at any shit, itísÖ eh, itís not the common whining or complaints of feeling unloved, alone or misunderstood, itís been different, itís like uhm if I donít feel any courage to do anything, but more than apathy, I felt yesterday really misplaced, like everywhere I went I feel like if I was completely different to any human, I felt like if they werenít real, I didnít know for a moment if all the people were just part of the realityís layout and I was the watcher, I felt really strange.
Whatever so, I also think I saw from very far sight the girl I draw, which really got me afraid of coming there to see if really was she or not, I think it was her, but I was so afraid get closer that she might recognize and donít know what to do, then, when finally I decided to get a bit closer, she left the place and I was got really stoned because I think it was her, and yet I know where to find her but Iím afraid to meet her, IÖ Iím not good at this, Iím stupid crap, am I shy? Why, apparently I am. ButÖ IÖ donít know what to do, I better should be locked up in a closet or something. Then, again, the feeling of the first paragraph come right now and it will get worse, I know.

 I have no soul.    2002-10-26 19:48:43 ET
Today Saturday, I went to my violin classes at morning: finally our teacher Susy came back from their touring thingy, that was a relief! With her it all is better, just the last Saturday we had this woman who was such a lame, and today when we had Susy I felt so good because she does put attention to us AND shoe does explain us things we should do right, oh, itís nice having her back in deed. Besides sheís the only one that dresses so good, heheh.

Well, well, I finally started downloading again some metal songs, and I can say that Tristania seems to be a next option to buy an album, and Iíve also been listening to other songs really great, but I wonít talk too much a bout it because then, uhm, people might not like my music..., fucking fuck, whatever. Anyways, Iím not sure what to draw now, due to a friend wants me to paint something for him; he only told to paint a little girl, but he didnít mention many details... I NEED details, or Iíll just come up with something wrong perhaps.

On other side, I donít know if say this or not. Well, the issue about the girl I started to like and gave her a draw, she emailed me back again. Iím feeling really strange... I... know where to find her... but... Iím such a fucking shy guy, Iíll die, well lately Iíve been surrounding the place where she takes the bus just to see if by chance I may see her from far sight, but I havenít had any luck, and Iím just afraid as hell, Iím really starting to think Iíll die empty, I donít know, I ... oh fuck.

Uhm, finally it stopped raining, damn I liked it so much, Iíve always thought of how would I like to die, this subject Iíve had it since I was 13, and thinking it really deep, and still donít know how, but sometimes life just seems too cruel for dieing with even more pain, I think I prefer a really painless death, but not sure of when, but I do would like it to be a cloudy day or rainy. Like my heart.

 Cloudy today.    2002-10-24 11:23:43 ET
Todays is cloudy. I love it. A CLOUDY day is just BEAUTIFUL. Feeling the cool weather, soft and little drops of a slightly raining barely weting my hair, everywhere looks like gray, so pretty, I love it.

 Once upon a night... it got better.    2002-10-21 19:44:39 ET
On Saturday I went to my violin classes at morning like always and unfortunately our teacher Susy wasnít there again, apparently theyíre still ďon tourĒ or something playing in several places but I have understand that theyíll be back for the next weekend, I hope so, because this time there was this other teacher who is like a 30 o 40 something year old woman... but sheís really clumsy! I mean she always nodded at the exercises like if I played very well, she didnít pay many attention to us, she didnít look very secure... ugh, I hope that for next weekend the regular teachers, younger but good at it, are back. Iíll see.

As I mentioned before, lately I hadnít been having concentration enough to draw something well, so I decided to start drawing again a formal draw like the others I have here on my gallery but this time I wanted to really create something out of my mind, that is, without having a model or any picture or photograph to look and then try to draw it, so I started to draw first the face (as usual) but I didnít get to have what I wanted, so I decide that maybe I should start first a sketch with a pencil...whoa! A pencil, I never had started a draw with a pencil since I was a kid. All my current draws I made them with straight ink (with any pen) so that if I got wrong in some part I had to start all over again until I had what I wanted, so this time I thought itíd be an interesting idea if first trying with a pencil so I could erase the parts of the sketch I didnít like it; and after bout 10 several intents I finally got something I liked, yes, so frustrated I was I couldnít get any result I got (mostly from the face, faces are the principal). So I did end up drawing something with a pencil, this is what I got, and yet I donít know what kind of dress or clothe Iím going to put on her ; ) Anyway, so lately a friend asked me to paint something for him since he saw my two other paintings and liked them, he bought me the canvas, I already have the brushes and paint to do it, so... uhm, this means two things; one, Iíll have to stop the previous drawing I was barely starting to start another (my third) painting; two, Iíll have something to busy up myself now, but I still will need to do some sketches at pencil too first and show them to him so he can choose what he wants, then start it. This guy is a nice person, he also seems to like all this gothic stuff and apparently also has (like me) some fascination for little girls (in the tender way, donít get me wrong), so he wanted me to paint some cute little girl or something, I donít know, weíll see what Iíll come up with.

Now the big issue. This Sunday there was going to be another performance by the Amadeus string quartet I always go every two or three Sundays, but when I went they said it was canceled and instead they had this dumb shit mass thing or something, like a discourse about encourage ourselves be good and the crap about, so I left there very disappointed but they said the concert was coming up for November 3rd. Then back home I still tried to do some sketches a bit frustrated about the drawing I said above, but I rather went to take a nap; when I woke up and was thirsty and went to take a glass of lemonade but my dumb ass shit hand dropped off the jar and poured ALL of it, and I spent there about 40 minutes cleaning it all up. Finally remembered that since a month ago there were announcing this very big concert of chamber music interpreted by the very Mozartís Orchestral Symphonic from Vienna, and I knew I ought to go; the entrance was $20 for the galleria sits (the far ones) and $40 for the numbered sits (the closer ones), I did have the money so I wanted so much to go, but when I noticed the clock it was already 6:30 pm and the concert started at 7:00 pm so I didnít have much time. Anyway, I was feeling that something else was going to be wrong because all of the above: first the disappointment of the string quartet, then the frustration of drawing, next the dropping of the jar of lemonade, and finally I was going to be late if I didnít hurry. But! I did get in time for it, and then it was when everything changed for good! I got there and asked a ticket of $20, the lady who attended me said someone returned back a ticket of $40 because they couldnít make it and asked me if I wanted to take it for free, that ďcourtesy of themĒ... *got astonished* HELL YES!!! I couldnít believe it! I spent like the 15 minutes next thinking of it, that was FUCKING AMAZING! I thanked her so much, took the ticket and got in for free!!! That shall be probably the greatest venture I had ever had on life! I was happy! Happy since so long ago! Finally I took a sit and waited for the concert to start. It started and I was more than happy; the whole orchestra dressed themselves with old classical clothes of the time of Mozart, like the picture above:

Even though I heard some melodies I hadnít heard before (yes, I donít know all the melodies, come on) I did recognize some of them, the more popular ones such as Eine Kleine Natchmusik, Don Giovani, and Symphony No. 40 and 41 ďJupiterĒ, within others. Moreover there were some melodies that had two singers, probably taken from Operas or Cantatas; it was a Soprano lady and a Baritone mister (I guess, Iím not sure of their levels). In some of the melodies performed with the singers were quite funny, because they were almost acting, playing perhaps the rolls of the lyrics sung there, I donít know, but it was very amusing because they even did funny facial expressions directing to the public. At the end they decided to perform another melody, which was not from Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart but from another well-known composer: Strauss; they performed perhaps the most known melody of him, ďThe Blue DanubeĒ. Everyone applauded so hard that the orchestra performed another ďbonus trackĒ for us and the director had us applauding to the rhythm of the melody, practically directing us, the audience, ha, it was amusing, I didnít clap, just watched and listened. Finally the thing was over and they were at the lobby selling CDs and giving autographs, so lucky me, with the money I saved for entering for free I bought two CDs for $18 each:

And so exited I was, I obviously waited for having them autographed by the two singers and the director, who were the only ones giving autographs, if not, Iíd have got the whole orchestra to give me theirs :D haha, anyway, they were selling like 5 different CDs that they recorded and some fancy ties for wear with musical notes and such funny logos apparently made out of 100% silk but I didnít have more money or else... yes. Anyway, I ended up with performed music satisfaction, two CDs and autographs of them:

I just couldnít believe how this high-recognized orchestra straight from Vienna came to play to our city and I got to see them for free! It was just amazing. On the way home I started thinking of so many thing, especially of music (duh!), of how much I really would like to play so good like them, or jus do something artsy. I could even write some stuff of what I thought but I think I have written now plenty much, and I would bore just anyone who even scrolled down the scrollbar of the window to see how much was of this, huh? Well I just can say that concert was truly ...something good!

 Security.    2002-10-18 19:35:57 ET
On Monday the stereo of my fatherís car was stolen. The interesting thing was that he works as a professor in a college and he always parks his car just right behind the small building (which is a like a high voltage laboratory) where he teaches and also has his office; so, apparently just some while when he was giving classes was when it happened, because when he finished his class he returned to his car and the windowís glass was broken, almost ripped all apart from the window, and the stereo wasnít there anymore; the thing here is, can you believe it? in his own building, inside of an institute college! Even worst (or funny) the big irony of it, which was that apparently since that very day the institute started to put security officers due to there wasnít very confidence in all the city for security stuff! Just the very first day when they decided to have more security officers is when 2 crimes happened (another professor had some other issue too). Then this Wednesday someone stole the lamp of the garage of the house! Apparently when one of us was upstairs someone just approached and take the lamp!
My advice is... watch out for your pajamas!

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