Mind to mind, matter to matter.    2002-10-01 22:07:15 ET
I was listening some tracks I downloaded from the soundtrack of ďBack to the FutureĒ trilogy, which has been one of my favorites movies since I first saw it. I remember that since then Iíve always wanted to be like the Doc., E. Brown, that character Iíve always admired since the very first time I saw it, I think that in part for him I started liking all mathematics and physics areas of science, I know that in part it also has to be with genetic, due to my father is a doctorate in electric fields or something like that, thus is that he was also into the math/physics thing and I perhaps got it from him, even though I started liking it by myself too, I mean I wasnít really like the kid searching help from his parents for solving math homework for school, I wanted to do it by myself; when teachers use to tell us to form groups for doing some math homework I always said to the integrants of my team that if they were tired or lazy for not wanting to do it Iíd be glad to solve all the problems and they agreed, in general I always like math but despite other math lovers in school I never was considered a geek or a nerd... in fact Iíd been taken more likely to a badass, yes, a rude person, well... to say truth it amazes myself how is it that here in subkultures I donít show many cursing while writing, but outside, all fellows know me for being like the most rude person while speaking, they are used to me giving them the ďfuck you assholeĒ as if it were the ďgood morningĒ and theyíre ok with it, Iíve been like that for so long... that-s why I was saying on other previous entries that I had been starting to have like a double personality, because almost most of dudes that know me in person see me like one cold, cruel, crazy motherfucker thatís always giving a shit to shit..., but... well, in some journal entries I have here I may not apparent that, right? I mean, I mostly talk about searching beauty, efforts on my drawing-girls works, passion for just learning violin, and suffering and feeling pathetically lonely for not having a muse to kiss and such... and all of this is mostly what they donít know too much of me, they, the folks Iíve hung out a very few times only know me for drawing comic or anime a-like characters, such as crazy superheroes and such, Iíve show these pictures of realistic drawings to barely 1 or 2 persons by my will, some others have seen it really without wanting them to see them, but for example, a very nice friend who also likes to draw and she actually gives lessons of cello at the institute where I go for the violin is one Iíve shown a few pictures because I know she is more mature than the other dudes... I guess thatís why I mostly donít like showing these gentle sides of me very often to people outside, because Iíve really had experiences of knowing that they wouldnít handle me as I wish... thus is so that thatís another reason why I havenít commented about having this journal to those folks, because I know the would freak out at me or wouldnít recognize; I know that for many that would be not fair... about being different with some ones than others, but I take this in a similitude as for mostly any person who wouldnít be discourteous and rude with mother but being assholes with their friends, itís something like that... but in a very different abstract level of studying people to know how to react or behave with them. Even with my parents Iím not very communicative, because Iíve also studied them and I know what kind of issues I may feel likely to talk with them, and sincerely not too many issues... this is another thing that most times I need to hide very well or else people will start looking my as a devil by being so cold and cruel sometimes at some issues that almost all of people would consider as an important unquestionable issues of morality ...yes, morality, ethics, all supposed facts to be taken as rightly true paths of goodness, just imagine how much could I ask and never endless question about so problematic theme of ďwhat is or isnít goodnessĒ, ...I could be ripped apart from all society for just a few other subjects that ethics and morality concern... just for a quick example, my parents are in first place, living beings, then rational beings, then humans, then persons, and so it goes until one of the last places that they are my parents; this, which could freak out many people for me not looking at them as my very superior entities that gave me life and stuff, is just one example of how I have other subjects in mind that I must be very careful of how to express it and who to express it, or else consequences may be harmful to me or to others.

So, as I was saying, this has been one restless topic that itches my mind... a decision; as an example I used above, a decision of who to be, when and where, because the how is what comes when I know whoís the other who that Iím interacting with. Thus decision are very hard, just to tell that I find many faces of beauty... from a glass breaking in slow motion to a soft, tender, kind, neat, young glance of a girl. Decisions are a constant element of survival for a philosophy path or ignition. I had also been known for sometimes giving the answer of ďI donít knowĒ when people asked or still ask me something. And this other decision that includes this unknowing answer involves the first subject I was touching above, of how I like and adore mathematics and physics but still donít knowing if itís so true that I love them that much in spite that I may not be that very good at it, just the same way I feel for Art. Because the loving for these universal sciences started still before my enchanting passion for art; Iíve been liking to draw since childe, yes, like since 6 or 7 years old perhaps, but I was only known for having that hobby for drawing cartoons and all sort of popular characters for the entertainment more than the true expression and delivering of feeling in one work. So it that until some time before entering high school that then I started feeling dramatic feelings inside of me, and started philosophizing about all I could, so it was then that I started creating this hiding-ideas-to-others thing. And so the more I was thinking the more I was feeling extremely lonely and schizophrenic than before, that thus I wanted to start doing personal art, and well, it is now that I have this realistic drawings of gorgeous gothic / metal girls that I like to do. Moreover the fascination of science still remains here as well as is art now... this total chaos puzzled of awareness of cognoscible love, that I call Philosophy.

This may have sounded like too much about my life I really didnít speak much of what Iíve lived, so it cannot either consider it as a quick autobiography of mine, because itís not my life (bio), but barely a short clue of why I -in spite of all supporting anyone could give me- still feel miserably frustrated and alone, wondering by wanders of universeís rhetorical questions, alone. And all of this and I never talked about love, but love is something I'm very serious about, so it'll in another time. Thus as well as I said before, I know that I canít change all sort of ideas randomly to general audience, so Iím very aware of what I typed above and what I may not write in here, I mean Iím aware that this is a web page that any person in the world with access to internet is able to read it, whether they care or not. And Iím neither yelling to the world to be listened and understood, Iím doing it, apart from liberating ideas and emotions, because for so hard that Iíve studied humanís wills and objectives I know that for more that I feel alone I at least need to search for empathy for I know Iíve found none in what concerns in my inner mind; because I also need to have like an evidence of what I have been digging and exploring into the epistemological fields of myself of discovering truths and cognoscible subjects of all kind, either from singular observations of the humanityís society or from the most abstract high-leveled known theorems of the universe, the existence itself and the significance of relevance of reality; this is why I at least need to write about of how and maybe why I think like this, to have like an archived or established ideas of mine into something that later might evolve. All of this, for the madness, for the crying naps and tortured eyes, due to the awareness, just knowing it will never, clearly never, will end; that, which we all children of chaos have in mind that tormented, endless, universal, philosophical question: why?

All of this makes me never forget so true quote I once read about a philosopher called Karl Popper:
ĒOur knowledge only can be finite, meanwhile our ignorance ought to be necessarily infiniteĒ.

 "A Conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking"    2002-09-26 05:52:42 ET
I donít know whatís been happening to me lately that I havenít felt likely to write... or type in here, I donít know I just kind of feel somehow tired. Itís just that sometimes I start evolving this previous thoughts I had but in moments where Iím not able to write them down, like moments at midnight trying to sleep, my body almost immobile... just using my mind, itís strange, like when I have something to say I canít communicate it because when I try to at least write it down I either forget it or donít know how to express it. Mmh... well, so just for now I donít feel very suitable to describe a bunch more of what I could say. I guess Iím just like the kind of person that likes better to listen than talk.
Anyway, here I leave this funny but admiring quotes that I found on internet; some of them have some nice elements of humor and others are in deed true:
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  • Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
  • Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the 1 you've never tried before.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  • To steal ideas from 1 person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  •  New Artworks!    2002-09-21 20:27:35 ET
    Finally I made possible to show my latest painting... my second painting... in my life! So I spent about a month or more on it, but I had been very lazy some days, others I did worked with effort on it. Ok, I know it didnít came out exactly as I wished because Iím more like of the detailed guy, I like doing complex and very detailed drawings... well, some... but this one didnít have much to put on it, I just wanted to transmit something with this painting:
    I want to share this work with all people that love the sound of an electric guitar, not an acoustic guitar... I mean, this is for people that have certain passion for the sound of the guitar when it comes to Metal or something similar, itís also for showing people my very love for it too, either gothic rock, or black metal, to show how from many different sounds possible with guitars/basses now days anyone may fall in love of the music genre of their choice, and always being Ďsubculturedí of course! Donít mention me sissy shit bands that they think that using an electric guitar/bass is being badass, I mean, this is for the sub-culture we are, and due to we all love our music so hard I decided to call it:
    Divine Music

    You may see how it doesnít look very good the image and it was because as I said before it was bigger than the scanner, itís actual size is... thus I had to scan it by two parts and the paste them eachother so it could look like one piece... ugh that really sounds pathetic, but I donít have a camera to take a picture, and besides it misses like an inch on every side of the picture, but thatís not very important because you wonít miss much. I know someone might be wondering if I got the idea from somewhere else, and you know... how Iíve been parodying things lately, so, yes I parodied this from another original artwork from an old painter named Melozzo DaForli, you can see the original piece here. You can see it was something like... lets say... a Mona Lisa with a spiky necklace... uhm... are you thinking what I...? NAH... that would be too much!! Iím ok just with what Iíve done here now. Anyway, I hope you all guitar/bass lovers enjoy it.
    A few samples on what I can say I got inspired to do this were: § § § § §

    Fortunately I also was able to finish the other drawing I was talking about fro the violin thing, so if youíd like to watch it itís also in my galleries for now.
    I know some may be confused about how I like metal and chamber music as well, itís even hard to myself to understand it, I could write a bunch about this but Iíll just say that it depends on the mood. I just love music, so that why I decided not to be out of it and learn to play a musical instrument, at first I wanted so much to learn elec guitar too, but some issues happened ...then many, many other issues happened too and I opted for violin, but I still love metal, so it proves my painting I guess. Well, for now I think I may rest bit of it and then keep practicing to be do it better...drawing too, of course... I was just some while ago trying to draw some stuff and I still need damn too much to practice.
    Well it seems now I didnít have much space left to talk on what I did today, which wasnít really too much, so I guess Iíll keep it for later, maybe tomorrow something will come up.

     Upcoming Images    2002-09-19 18:42:34 ET
    Iíve finally finished my painting, I canít stop it right now, I still need to get it dried, so hopefully I might put it in my gallery here for Saturday even though Iím not so sure how am I going to do it, the scanner is smaller than the painting, or should I say the painting is bigger than the scanner and I donít have camera, anyway the painting isnít really to big like to call it a grand work, to say truth it isnít very detailed as I wished and as ALWAYS Iím definitely not satisfied with the result, in part because I havenít managed too much with colors, this will be the second time, so it doesnít look too realistic as I wish it were, and I had to use light colors for the purpose I had in mind, another thing Iím not very familiar with, light colors.

    Whatever, Iím also working on another draw, this time my regular style of drawing at pen and at black and white. Itís about two hands playing the violin which Iíll use for the cover of my method book of it. I can say I how now done about a 60% of it, so Iíll get it finished in about a week... or even if I do an effort I might get it done this weekend with the painting together... Iím not sure, Iím too lazy. Weíll see.

    Ok, Iíve noted that Iíve only been talking about my drawings/paintings and the violin thing, and itís starting to get bored, Iím just pathetic... itís just not the guy likely to be posting about 3 journal entries a day only saying that my life sucks and that Iím extremely bored and such, to say truth I never imagined myself writing about personal thoughts and ideas in something like this, I must say that before this I was getting even more insane about feeling alone and not knowing where to place something I had in mind, or maybe not just where to but if I should; I remember I once did started something in which I wrote stuff I had in mind in a .doc file, I was planning something like writing hell a bunch of things and at the end having something larger than a bible, but I only got 2 pages with font ďAgency FBĒ size 6 and I kind of started to feel stupid, I was wondering ďwhoís going to read it? Whoís going to care? Whoís going to even understand it? What benefit would come with it? My Ďmoralí written may even scare people, so, why should I keep on it?Ē, and so I decided to left it and deleted it. I was writing some really crazy stuff there, but then some months later I got to this site and said ďoh, what the fuck? Itís not going to be like personas sissy diary shit... letís just write carp about myself, with written ideas people have the decision of either reading it or not, not like when talking, people may not listen but the have to at least hear it (and donít give me the childish excuse of blocking your ears), so with written crap about whatever people choose if reading or not, liking it or not is not my problem, Iím not begging to be heard... I know now that that hasnít helped me out before. But to say truth since writing here it in some way has been some sort of ... uhm... letís call it therapy? Nah... it just seems that I have frees many emotions I havenít showed to anyone, which is some new crazy stuff I was thinking, itís like having two personalities... but thatís something I should explain more detailed in another occasion... for now I can say that itís been something new to explain.

     I do enjoy the strings.    2002-09-15 10:44:10 ET
    Yesterday I went to violin lessons, my teacher didnít show up due to she and other integrants of the band she is in went out of the city to play in another city with another band, so I had the main professor of the institute which wasnít bad either. Apparently they are in like some contest of bands for chamber music, so it was that it even a note was published on the newspaper and with a photo of them; this is nice because now I can show how does she look like:

    Well, from them I only know my teacher and another very, very good friend, sheís playing the cello in the right of side of the picture. I now can say that I feel lucky for having a pleasant and fine teacher for my violin lessons, though as they are now in this contest thing I wonít be taught by her for this days, or whatever happens after at least I now can say I met someone who came out in the newspaper! I think I didnít mention her name before, ...oh well, her name is Susy:

    Heh, isnít she adorable? Well I admit I really donít know her that much yet, but you can now say that she looks better in person than the draw I did. It just seems funny how sheís the only one with wrist bracelets.

    On another side, on my classes I now played with other students for some rehearsal thing, it was at first about 4 violins, one cello and the piano, then other two girls joined, another cello and a viola; some dude (the older one I guess) and me got 2nd violins, two girls got 1st violins, a boy and a girl in cellos, a little girl in the viola and a little boy on the piano, I think the piano kid is the youngest, less than 9 years old I suppose, but believe me, the piano is almost the main thing on this, we would be practically fucked up without the piano, so... mostly with depend on the kid. Ok, and for ending this, due my damn vulnerability for beauty I ought to say that the little girl on the viola has and beautiful hair, is so smooth, itís lovely, its length is about to her shoulders which looks so cute for her, blah, ok, thatís it.

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