Somebody smack me.    2002-09-04 21:29:08 ET
I was in deed planning to write some stuff, but Iím thinking in staying too much right now; so this is what I got to say.

1. This is just wovwy! isnít it?: A Corny Concerto. (check this out!)
Got it from here.
I LOVE those! I'm planning on downloading the most I can.

2. Just a while ago I was painting again. Itís almost done. Maybe Iíll finish it in a week or so. If I am still not sleepy enough maybe Iíll keep painting in a while.

3. I dreamed again with little Cynthia (see past entries)... I think that and a movie I saw are going to be my post for tomorrow...

Ok, thatís all for now. I think Iíll go to sleep.

 I found some music sheets...    2002-09-02 20:35:10 ET
---I found this amusing (you have to wait a few seconds after hitting the ďstartĒ button)---

Last Saturday I didnít get to have my favorite teacher, she was with other students :( so I got another teacher, mmh... she isnít as good as the gothie, too bad, well I hope next Saturday I get again her to teach me, because she very good instructor. Oh, and I forgot to mention that another student got in and finally is someone else that isnít a child, heís another grown up, seems like 20 something years old, whatever, what should I care? Another thing is that Iím not sure but I think there are more Korean kids now! Yes, at first I only recognized 2 teenagers and 2 kids, now they seem to be like another 3 kids! Whatís up to this? There are probably like 2 or 3 families together, and why Koreans? Mmh... well the teenagers do behave polite, the younger children are the ones that are screaming and playing all around.

On a lighter side, I found another way to get the sheet music Iíve been looking so hard... in some certain way. Ok, the thing is that I was so desperate to find Danny Elfmanís music score from movies Batman, Edward Scissorhands, and Batman Returns, but I couldnít find more than classical/chamber music sheet in pdf format from composers such like Mozart, Hydn, Beethoven, et al, which was also good, I did download some few I liked to practice but still I could find the ones I mentioned above, they were only for sale. So, I remembered that I was using a program to write/compose music called ďEncoreĒ in which I could open midi files and then watch its score, and I had a few midis so I tried and effectively I could now view the music score of simple midi tunes [Iím not very sure if it was the latest version of the program or if there are many others better than this one, I just found it in Kazaa; if anyone knows of a better program please let me know]. Since that I went searching like dement through the internet for Midi Soundtracks that I supposed people should have the most popular tunes, and thankfully I did get some movie and tv themes I like, then more than listen to them I tried to ďwatchĒ them with this program and it worked!!! So now I can see the score of them, edit them (rearranging the single staves I like), print them, etc. This means that I should be smashing my face against the wall of happiness... but Iím not like that, I mean Iím happy for it, even though not enough yet... I did get Batman and Edward Scissorhands themes but... I wanted the whole albums (the soundtracks, not only the main themes) because there are still some tracks that I liked and are one in the main themes, and this problem would be even harder to solve. Whatever, I think Iím asking for too much now, for the meantime I think I just should practice, edit, and print them as for my very little joy I might have :|

Today I decided to paint some more of the painting Iím on right now, it feels good, I was thinking in paint again later night or watch a movie, yes, watch a movie because I almost ever see one... people always talk me about movies and I just donít know what to say, Iím always the-last-to-know, I also would like to read some, yes, also have very little culture of reading, and Iíd like to know and learn more, but I have a very big problem about concentrating in lecture [...I guess I should describe this problem in another occasion...], thus, itís the movie or painting... mmh.. why not both? Sleeping late? Oh yeah, fuck everything.

 First steps, first words, first ...    2002-08-29 19:38:11 ET
I look through the window, they all seem to be having fun, they all smile, so many lights, lights in all the rooms. Here, here is dark, Iím alone, quiet, such silence, such calm, why am I staring to like it this way? Again I think, here darkness-silence-cold-thinking, there light-noise-heat-laughers. Darkness means silence as well? And calm brings reason, prudence? Darkness is nothing, is absence of frequency, and is static. Light is something, high electromagnetic frequency, is movement. Silence is total absence of noise. Static is absence of movement. Heat is movement of matter, of diminutive subatomic particles. Cold is the slower movement of such particles, the slower the colder. Why is it easier to think (to me) when calmed? We think then communicate. Do we talk easier? Yes, itís easier to talk in the flow of conversations than stop to think first. They are laughing, talking... making noise. Iím here alone... thinking, in the dark, reasoning themes that no one else is... only me, ...alone. ďOh, there you are, come on inĒ says my mother, ďuh, okĒ I reply. Then I get inside the house, I look at the window, I cannot see whatís outside, which means if Iím in the darkness I can see what is in the light, but the light canít see whatís in the dark. Dark, shelter too? I could watch them; they couldnít watch me. Why are this thought coming to me now? ...Day: many colors, sounds, fast movements, sometimes irrational joy. Night: poetry, romance, calmed colors, cuddling shadows. I... I think... I like it.

So, perhaps they were my first steps, I donít know with exactitude, I was like 12 years old when I thought of the above. It was like in a family reunion with cousins, uncles, and aunts. Still attached to that theorem since then. One of the first thoughts I started to like, because all before was nonsense childish games and stupidity, I donít like remembering my childhood. But then the more the time was passing by the quieter I was becoming, and the more I started to believe I was alone, incomprehensible. And still I donít know for sure. I keep finding more and more paradoxes either to society as for my own... for example, I enjoy black and white drawings and photos, but then it comes some paintings (color), reading (you need at least some light) and music (sound) that I like and I cannot accept totally the above mentioned, so I sigh.

And now, I feel alone, unwilling for keeping alive. So much controversy I could make sometimes but always hushing so people wonít feel disrupted by my ideas. I keep on getting tired, exhausted of thinking, thinking in higher dimensions when more depressed I feel, and even when I find something to distract me, something that will make me feel a fool again and not thinking of the same philosophies, I fear again because I donít know when will it come again the time of thinking on huge netted ideas, of feelings, of mind, of awareness, of matter, of chaos, of existence itself. I might end up really becoming schizophrenic, but I still donít know for sure, as I said, it happens me mostly in the Dark.

Music I'd recomend for thinking of such like the mentioned: Cocteau Twins - Speak No Evil

 Cold spots.    2002-08-24 20:18:40 ET
Yesterday I was on the most crowded buses ever, it was completely full, I mean really over-full, people was almost hanging from out of the doors, Ďtwas funny. Well, well, I also spent some time drawing, guess what? Heh, I thought it finally was time to make a quick picture of my violin teacher, who has been nice at teaching me and I think sheís a nice person and I wanted to have a better cover of the method book for the violin lessons, besides she very pretty too, so I decided to draw her, but since I barely can draw things by memory the drawing didnít went so well, I mean, itís way much easier drawing when having a model or an immobile object, so, if you think the drawing isnít that good, I understand completely, and donít worry, my teacher is prettier than the draw as well :ř then maybe I will make another draw for the counter cover (the back side), I was thinking in a pair of hands playing the violin, just the hands and the violin, but thatíd be later, for now Iím ok by having this draw, itís better than having only the words of ďAll for Strings; method book no. 2Ē on the cover. Anyway, I showed the picture to her and it seemed that she liked it. She first said ďoh! Is it yours? Did you draw it?Ē, I nodded and then I think she recognized that it was her who I drew and she smiled, she smiled very cute! I said ď, itís for ...uh, having a nicer cover, you knowĒ and she asked if it had been made with a simple pen and I said yes, so, I think she liked it.

What else was I about to say? oh! Thatís right! I remember, a few days ago I dreamed that I was like in an ocean... in a ship, that I was there with the little girls I met in Dallas, I donít know why I dreamed them, I guess it was a very strange but pleasant happening when I was there, and as well as back since there as in the dream I was almost always trying to be near the little 10 year-old girl, Cynthia, she fulfilled me with calm and certain security, strange, yes, itís just that I never get to know many people (yeh, an outsider talking here I guess) and that girl seemed to be very friendly with me which made me very happy by moments in Dallas, and in the dream I was searching I was like searching for that same sympathy, nevertheless there was a moment when I remember I ended up being alone floating in the sea, that was when my eyes went narrow and I decided to dive deeper, but I decided to go back to the surface and the ship near there, the sky was clouded... and I donít remember the rest, blah. So when I woke up I started to think again is how much I needed a friend like that, someone simple who I could feel comfortable with. From the many, many times Iíve thought how would it be in the future if I had children Iíve imagined it would be the same now if having a son or a daughter... I guess I daughter would be more interesting and tender, yes, Iíve imagined many times how would it be with a son and certainly I donít like that much of how would I raise him or something, I mean, if Iím a man already why would I like to be amused by more men? And I guess that with a daughter it would be more delicate, someone that I could take care of, and love me.

This might be starting to sound a bit unusual from a dude like me... blah, well, itís my fucking journal, so what the fuck do I care what I write? Oh well, Iíll have more interest stuff sooner or later. Whatever.

 Bloody clouds.    2002-08-21 19:37:02 ET
Well, well, yesterday I cut myself when shaving... uhm, I think I was distracted thinking... just thinking, about anything, that I forgot what I was doing then I felt that I had near my upper lip, blood didnít stop coming out, so I was there with a paper on my face until it healed. I had endured about one year without cutting myself. That was yesterday, I think it already healed most of it by now, whatever.

Today I was very entertained using a program I downloaded a few days ago, it is about creating/writing music. I was trying to guess the notes of a very simple melody I have in mp3 but I spent almost all the evening trying of it I Iím not sure if I did it right, ...mother of shit! Either itís really hard or I suck so much ass, blah.

Due to the above I didnít have much time to draw something, because lately Iíve been trying to draw a girl playing a violin so I can put it on my method book as the cover and say it was inspired by my teacher :ř but I havenít come to get what I want, Iíll keep practicing until I get satisfied by the result... if I canít get to sleep maybe I could keep trying drawing it at night... which reminds me, yesterday I tried to sleep in my closet to feel what itís like, and it was being nice but I could sleep, not because it was uncomfortable but because it was too hot, and I canít sleep when itís too hot, I mean, if it had air conditioned inside the closet I might sleep well, thus I could even sleep in a coffin, ha! But no, I had to go back to bed to sleep a bit cooler... mhh, maybe in winter... uhm, another thing is that I mostly need a pillow to feel comfy or else, I kind of feel empty... I... I would like to sleep in the clouds.

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