I'M BACK    2002-08-10 19:39:06 ET
As I said in the previous journal entry, that day was different to the others, in which I had to bare to be going out to those places that I didnít feel comfortable. So, that day I finally started to paint, which got me to be alone of them, I finally had some peace for myself, maybe the bad thing was that in the building where I was painting still were some workers there doing stuff and they had they radio on, listening to a bunch of Mexican ďcumbiaĒ songs... it was so irritating hearing those, but oh well...at least as was alone then, and when I had my Ďbreakí the person who wanted me for the painting give me some bucks and I went to a Wendyís restaurant, I had a simple hamburger, and ate alone. Then I came back to paint more and returned back to the familyís home I was staying. There was again one little girl that I liked her face and I tried to draw her.

Ok, before any thought occurs here, let me explain, that little girl was something similar to a cousin to the guys I was staying with, you see, they had Mexican parents and so they had a few friends also Mexican and with children that were born in Dallas, so this little girl was daughter of a couple, friends of the person that hired me for the painting (Paco), and she and Pacoís sons use to hang out some times for whatever they come up with, understood?
Well then, she had three other sisters, two bigger and one smaller than her; the eldest one I didnít know her age, the second one was said to have 15 or 16 years old and her name was Carmen (yes, like the famous opera), and the youngest one was like 6 years old. Carmen was very pretty in deed too, but I didnít get to know her that much as I enjoyed some time with the one Iím talking of here, the 10 year-old girl, her name: Cynthia, means ďfrom the moonĒ; I donít know why, but I felt that she was somehow different to her sisters, I think Iíd say that she was more sociable with people, I mean if the other sister, Carmen, was close to the age of the guys I was staying with (13, 16 and 17 years old) that would make more sense if was she whom was hanging out with us, but no, apparently she had some issues, and Cynthia was almost always with us. This is why I started to put attention to her. You see, I, as always, stared ate her physical beauty found in her small face. It really astonished me her smile, because Iíve seen many other smiles in people her age and they look to me... just kids, but she was... cute in deed, a very kind smile, her cheeks were so adorable, her eyes were gentle and her short hair looked on her so pretty, oh my... I just canít deny something nice when I see it... so one time (of many) that she was staying the night with us, the 3 boys, me and Cynthia, she was playing chess with one of the guys and I, of course, staring at her, until I decided that I must had to print that face in paper... I grabbed a pen and a piece of paper near, and starting drawing. When they finished playing, the poor kid lost the game (of course it was like her second game in her life or so) I showed the picture to her and she smile, laugh and said ďoh, cool! Very nice! Can I keep it?Ē, and of course I let her.

Days where passing by again; I kept painting some more, and keep going to restaurants and places with these people, and this petite was some times coming with us again. She was so joyful, really a happy girl I think, Iím not sure that she was the very-extrinsic naughty childish girl as many others, I could tell by her smile, that wasnít so big and lightning as others, though hers was pleasant and laughed a lot (as many kids) I found her kind many times. Then Pacoís family decided to go to San Antonio with other two families and Cynthia wanted to come... and so it was. One of the other families was a Mexican one relatives of them, and the other one was American, also relatives, this one had also three daughters only, 6, 12, and 13 years old; the older one said to be a cheerleader... (donít blame me for any thought that may invite of) her name: Becky, holly shit, she just wanted to talk and talk and talk, about anything; the 12 year-old, April, wasnít that much cheerful though not so quit too, and the little one, Jessica... as any other kid, nothing unusual. So, we went to San Antonio, now that Cynthia had more girls to be with she even talked more and was hanging around in everywhere we were, I always tried to be close to her or the other girls because sometimes (many Iíd say) the dudes were saying too much bullshit... always looking for comedy in the TV and mtvís ĎReal worldí shit... blah, so it was kind of nice being with them, though they kept on telling me ďyouíre weirdĒ... all of them, all, even the little one told me that, even one day, April asked to me why was I so quiet and specially why was I wearing always black clothes, I just replied her saying that it was my favorite color, then she said ďmmh, youíre going to be a gothicĒ, I smiled and said ďwhat do you think I am?Ē and she said back ďoh really? Itís just that in my school goths dress themselves quite freakier than youĒ and I replied ďuhm yeh, whatever, Iīm not like thoseĒ.

Well days kept passing and I had the urge of finishing my painting so I could come back and continue my violin lessons and my own drawings. And as much as I had to tolerate the activities they were doing, as Kat told me, I made an effort of having some fun or at least a pleasant moment, and I think I had while being sometimes with those girls and specially with Cynthia. We went to the Alamo, there in San Antonio, and the she kept on telling my that I should buy a souvenir from there, but I always told that I didnít want to, didnít even like to, so she said that at least I should buy a book of the history of the Alamo, and I told her that I donít like history, and she asked me what kind of stuff did I read, and I told her that something that had a plot, something of drama, I mentioned i. e. Edgar Allan Poe, but she didnít know who was he, April did and said to me that he was boring ...whatever... I didnít buy anything and they kept calling me boring and weird person, so it was that once we went to a Red Lobster restaurant and Becky, was so restless that started to come up with a song in which included me in the lyrics, I still remember it: ď...you are so quiet you almost donít talk, your mind goes like a clock tic-toc tic-toc.Ē I asked why about the tic-toc thing and she said that it was because sometimes Iím quiet tic and sometimes I talk toc. As singular it seems, it got my attention to that, it was truth in deed... similar maybe to an ideology I keep for thinking-talking... mmh... anyway, it didnít bother me, she said it was like a parody of one song of Merry Poppings... donít ask.

And days passed by, finally we got back to Dallas to finish my painting, my pathetic and horrible work. I finished. Cynthia got back to her home and said bye. I, like I said finished my work, and it is such a lame! Fuck, it is! Itís not too big. I forgot to look at the address but if anyone live in Dallas, TX, or goes there just passing by, you may see my ugly painting at a place that is going to be called Sol Plaza, I think that the building will be done in some weeks. Oh, so after that I decided to leave Dallas and come back; when Paco asked me how much should he pay me for it I really didnít know what to say, believe me, I suck at handling money and I didnít know if my thing worth too much or not, so I told him that $70 would be ok (hoping it wasnít too much) then he decided too give $200, wow, that was a surprise, I thanked him very much of course, bought a bus ticket and came back, and now I am in home. Fortunately I came the day in which the symphonic orchestra (I was constantly going) opened itís second season and I went to it, ...it was nice. Today I came back to my violin lessons too, yep, I think I missed my teacher heh he; at evening with the money I gained I decided to buy a baby, yes people, I finally have my own violin!

Well, I think thatís all I had to say.

 Bad, not too bad, nice, bad.    2002-07-29 21:18:14 ET
Itís been a long time since I didnít come on to check subkulures.net because I didnít have the time or wasnít available to use the computer. Many things have happened to me, in here, in Dallas TX, Öthings really hard to feel comfortable to talk about.

Like a week ago, we (and by saying we I mean me and another family and the kids in which Iím staying with) went to Six Flags, and I must say I didnít enjoy it at all, definitely I couldnít stand being with such a family hood, such the kids-parents thing, ah! It was horrible, for me. Days were passing by and I hadnít started to paint something, like I was supposed to be doing there, that was why I was invited! Damn! We (yes, again) had been going to the building (where Iím supposed to paint) only to CLEAN! Yes, clean, clean all the dirt and mess. So, days had passed I and I couldnít have the time to either paint or connect to here (subkultures.net), we were just hanging around more hostile (for me) family-type places and going to bunch of their cousinsí and unclesí/auntsí houses Öcould you imagine me there mentally alone, with no one with a particular interest to talk too? Yes, I faked a lot of smiles and laughers to themÖ I think the few sincere smiles I gave was by staring at one of their cousins, a little cute 10 year-old girl. She was very sweet, nice and did have a kind smile; she was very pretty in deed.

Moreover, I finally got to paint something. They selected an image from a National Geographic magazine for me o paint. I went with them to buy the paints and FINALLY started to paint; and as I must say, it is being a mess right now! I donít know how will it look when I finish it, but for now Iím not happy at all with what Iíve done about it. I suck. This is the second time I use colors but this time it isnít anything gothic-akin neither itís something small, as I said before (I think) it is on a wall, yes, like a short mural or something, so itís like 10 times bigger the painting at oils I did before; and this time Iím using acrylic paints now, I donít know why, someone suggested it to me and I just grabbed them when shopping the material for it. Another thing is Iím not sure I chose the right pencils, and the paint dries o fast, is not the same as with oils, besidesÖ it is the second time in my life I use paint!

Well, this I wrote was just like a very quick resume of what Iíve done or feel in the absent time in here. But still I will write much more about what happened today, yeh, nothing written here describes what I did or felt today, itís just that Ömmh, maybe later, I donít have much time yet to feel free for checking out the internet and subcultures as I wish to. Farewell.

 Head Over Heels    2002-07-22 08:54:20 ET
Things, thingsÖ I feel so weird, I could write many stuff but I donít feel much comfortable because these kids are telling me that weíre all going out but then they donít decide where, so I donít know if Iíll be able to write too much or not, damn!

Well, yesterday night, I went with them Ėlike 3 families together- bowlingÖ go wonderÖ mmhh does it sound mean if I sayÖ ďI beat the kidsĒ? And a day before went to another familyís home and they made me play ďvolleyballĒ!! Iím not a sporty person at all. Iím not fat neither skinny, nevertheless Iím not in very good shape as I used to at least 3 years ago I believe. Anyway, my hands hurt some for playing and some of my muscles tooÖ You lazy ass Malkavian!

And they keep on playing Red Hot Chili Peppers every time weíre in the carÖ I donít like them, I wonít emit any offensive comment because I donít really Ďhateí them, I just donít like them. Oh!

What more, well as usual Iíve been feeling also too tiredÖ or depressedÖ or sadÖ apatheticÖ I donít know now how should I call itÖ so many, many thoughts in my headÖ I canít seem to be happy at all, or make someone happyÖ but I mean someone I should care, not one of these kids, whatever, I hardly can concentrate typing with kids running and yelling aroundÖ repeating the word ďretardsĒ many timesÖ aah!

Anyway, I donít know what more should I write, I really find too hard concentrating here. In other places, quieter and in the night, I feel so philosopher. Not now.

 The most accurated psychological explanation to this is... blah.    2002-07-20 09:40:19 ET
Well, Iím in Dallas now, I didnít have the time to connect properly until now. I could say many things about being here, but I donít feel very comfortable here to take the time enough to write it very well.

Anyway, I havenít painted anything yet. I supposed to paint in a place theyíre building now which will be called Sol Plaza, they have decided the image now, so Iím going to paint like two girls laying in the floorÖ quite interesting. Oh and I havenít had really much fun here, I have to be going on places with these kids and ohhÖ so bored. I could say so much how I was missing this page, I need to watch someÖ -like driedupanddead used to say- Bondage, piercings and pain, yes Iím sick of being around family hood stuff, oh, and driedupanddead isnít here anymore, she was deleted from here, I better start worrying about being gentle here if I donít want to be deleted too, now with all this of the Copyrighted images that Syko and M0xie are checking outÖ I had to delete my avatar as well, I can only keep my drawings for now, Iíll see what can I get next for any other interesting avatar.

Oh, I have plenty much more to say but I need to get a shower Öat daylight? I always take it at night with all lights off, yeh, all darkened ha, nowÖ too much light huh, badÖ well I need it. And Oh fuck shit, I forgot to carry my toothbrush; Iím such an idiot.

 One tear, one thought. One thought, one movement.    2002-07-13 21:27:31 ET
Strange, right now I do feel apathetic, like I should most of the time. I donít know, but many times that I feel like that or sad and depressed, by just entering to sk.net it somehow gives me just a little more courage, I suppose because the sk.net bannerís quote stands right by saying "a community just for you" and thus I may feel part of it. You know, outside are a lot of people I canít stand, too many mainstream shit and stuff, then just coming to sk.net it at least makes me feel just a little more comfortable, watching some other journals or stuff, whatever.

So, it is a fact now that I am going to travel to Dallas, TX. A sir wants me to stay at his home with his family and wants me to paint some stuff, Iím not sure what, I heard something about a museum of Aztec culture... mmh, I donít really like that stuff, I donít show any interest in that but if this is an opportunity to do some art Iíll take it for now. Anyway, Iíll also spend vacations there with them, Iím not sure if Iíll be able to connect to internet at least to check my e-mail or post some stuff here. Iíll part from tomorrow at 11:00 pm, and Iíll stay probably two weeks or so, I hope no more, because I do enjoy my violin lessons... mmh, my gothie violin teacher looked so nice today with a long sleeve shirt with black and white stripes, he he, I ought to admire and stare beauty when I see it! Her boyfriend must be proud of having such pretty lady, and Iím of having a kind teacher.

Oh well, I barely started whatís going to be my new painting and I posted just a preview in the previous journal entry, but I wonít be able to continue it until I come back. Meanwhile, tomorrow Iíll go again for the Amadeus quartet of cords to hear them because I love it, then I should be preparing luggage for the travel and be ready to go.

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