If I had my head chopped I damn well could do better my hair cut.    2002-09-13 22:18:53 ET
1. I was walking by the street today and I realized that I did talk hearable to myself. Does this mean Iím finally going schizophrenic? Very Often Iím thinking like if I was talking to myself by having another personality, I mean, I think like if I was talking to another me, and also very often I do questions to myself just to keep thinking on the subject I was, such is that then I start to really have something like a conversation; this Iíve had like for 2 years now, but for the last months this has been more... strong? I mean, I do think like if I was trying to move tongue and lips to say the words loudly, but it just have been a very few times like now in which my lips really started to move and pronounce the words I was thinking, so I stopped and realized that I did said several words and phrases lowly hearable, and I was like ďhey! Iíve just spoken to myself... or one of the other me! ...uhm why am I still talking? I donít know, I guess you got pretty excited while thinking? So, does this mean that I need to actually talk to people more often? ...perhaps...Ē, so I finally shut the fuck up to myself and kept thinking (in my mind now). Ok, someone might say that that has happened to him or her many times too, but for me this wasnít just like singing a song alone while walking or being ďvery boredĒ, I normally do try to have much control on what I am doing, so these few cases are to me like ďwhat the fuck?Ē.

2. About the other things... of her... well, I got answered yesterday hopefully but she said that she wouldnít be able to come to join me to the classical concert due to she had many issues to fix, but that she wasnít rejecting me and she also hopes to meet me some time in the future... ugh, I feel embarrassed writing this (will explain later), oh shyness... so, I emailed her back telling that the next concert would be Sept 27 and that this next Sunday will also be a string quartet Iím going, so she should free to come, that the only thing I wanted was... ehm, ďwatchingĒ her; so, uhm, well, I think Iíll have time to spare my fear about this and think of it until something interesting comes to happen, which I should warn myself that when that happens Iíll be writing here hell a bunch of it...

3. Anyway, Iím drawing now another figure for the cover of the back of my current violin method book, and I havenít really finished the painting yet, I should now try to finish this work by either tomorrow or for the next weekend at most; this drawing is about two hands playing the violin, it has no extension of the arms, itís just the hands, and I already finished the sketch, Iím now only adding the shades, which will keep me about a week or more, ...yes, Iím too slow, for the meantime Iíll carry it for tomorrow to the violin lessons... coming back probably as always Iíll get a nap after, and the try to keep with the painting.

I... feel like... I need a pillow to cuddle... or bite.

 I still feel worried.    2002-09-11 21:59:31 ET
Things, stuff, subjects, whatever....

Ok, so due to the last entry Iíve been so... uhm... distracted, you know, thinking, daydreaming, imaginating.... itís just that this is something I wouldnít expect. The first happening was about 3 months ago, and I thoug it was the end of it, but she replied, so what else could I do? I had to reply as well. I donít want to talk about that for too much for now because Iím not sure whatís going to happen; a quick resume will be: She replied since then, I replied back saying I liked watching her, she a few days ago wrote back that she was admired for what I said, just a day ago I wrote back as well asking if she could come to the next performance of the chamber orchestra, at least to see her..., she hasnít answered, yet. I donít know what going to happen wither if she agrees or not.

Out of the above, I tried to paint some more, itíll be almost done in a week, but without a camera, how am I going to scan it if itís too big for the scanner, Iíll se. Then I also wanted to draw some hands... and I suck! Besides I couldnít concentrate, I donít know... been very distracted. And Iíve been listening to classical music and some Cocteau Twins so much I almost forgot about black metal (the B&B one) and I still donít know many bands, and just heard a few albums. Maybe Iíll catch up with that later. By now Iíll keep practicing with the violin, or maybe find something to read, something that completely distracts me of the other thing, mmh... maybe I search for that Superstrings theory thingy I was reading the other time. I was also thinkig if I should get a web page or another image hosting, because Yahooís links are too large, but if I get a web page, Iíll need to learn more of html to make it nicer... I just want to have something to put my ugly art pictures. Aahh... wonder, wander...


 _down_    2002-09-08 22:22:31 ET

I... d... don't know what... d... did I do right?

Oh... I feel so... broken, squeezed... I...
she... replied back! I... just have emailed her back... I thik I'm dead...

I can't sleep... I feel so down... so... sad? aah! I don't worth a shit... I'm.... this... can't think clear.. I don't deserve ...

Why am I alive? I don't worth! I... nothing... ... I... should go away... I reallly don't have... I... I'm scared! What will she...? what will I...?

Oh... damn

...I... am... nothing...

 Look at this artist wannabe.    2002-09-07 21:59:01 ET
Ok, so today... mmh... formally yesterday (eh, Iím always updating journals at midnight... whatever) I woke up, did fine shaving and went to my Violin class and I got again my gothie teacher, so thatís good, I like just watching something pleasant, besides, sheís a good teacher, she does corrects me when doing something wrong not like the others that only watched that I was practicing, no, she does put attention to her students, nice!

So, my classes are two hours, from 10 a.m. to 12 p.m., and almost when finishing, like at 11:45 the main professor told me that there where now making like a very little group of students to play later on something, and since I was almost in the same Ďlevelí now as them he asked to join them, they say they practiced Saturdays from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m., so next Saturday Iíll be joining them... do you know what that means? Oh no! It means that Iím going to suck! It also means that now Iíll be taking classes only from 10 a.m. to 11 a.m. with my kind teacher and then doing rehearsals with the others! ...so it is ...3 hours in a row! Oh crap, I barely do one and a half well, now with 3 hours Iíll end up exhausted. And Iím afraid I might do wrong while playing! Iíll ruin it! I guess Iíll just try to do as much as I can.

On another note, the painting is almost done, well... I mean almost because itíll be now just matter of the background which will be faster to paint, but then my problem is that I donít have a camera to take a picture of it and it doesnít fit in the scanner like the other one, yes, this one is a bit bigger, itís 14ííx18íí, and the other one was 11ííx14íí, so I donít know how am I going to get a picture of it. I either save some money to buy a camera, digicam, or something, or take someone borrowed. Iíll see what will happen. By the meantime Iíll keep on finish it well done, so then I can return back to my normal black ink pen-drawing like because I was hoping to draw other issues in mind right now, yes, yes, I know, I should start now with my very own ideas and not only drawing whatís already seen, I promise Iíll do it soon, I do have some ideas in mind.

 A transparent gray/blue tear.    2002-09-05 19:51:51 ET
I dreamed again about that little girl... Cynthia. I think I still feel like missing being with her in time back when I was in Dallas some weeks ago, more than a month now. Iím not sure how the dream started... I never remember, I just recall that I was like climbing on the clouds with her. Sounds funny or strange, but since kid Iíve always liked clouds... cloudy days, ...rain, Iíve always wished I could live above the clouds... or maybe between clouds, so that way the upper clouds would cover me from the sun; living on clouds, and then come down to earth whenever I wanted, and return flying or something. Yes, I like clouds.

Anyway, so I dreamed that I was in some place surrounded only by clouds and there were like some green roots coming from clouds so I could climb on them and go up on higher levels; you might think something similar to the popular magic beans story, but for me instead of that it remembered me much more to some funny place that I saw in a videogame, it was a game for SNES, in case someone have ever played, it was Super Mario RPG, if someone has played and remember a level in which the object was to go to a city located above the clouds and to go up there it was needed to climb up on various giant plants like the ones I saw on my dream, the funny of this is that I even saw some of the characters in there, the funny red koopas with wings, the ones that look like turtles with red shells and small wings on them. Alright then, that was only for describing the place I feel akin to where I was. So, I dreamed that I was there like walking around the clouds with this cute 10-year-old child, this pretty innocent girl. And now that I think of it, in my dream this girl seemed even more pure than as she really was in real life, you know, all kids, as much as they seem calmed and passives, have their naughty, noisy moments, and she in deed was very sociable when I met her, she didnít care about ages, she got along very well with another 2-year-old girl as well as she called my attention; so I assume again that as in many people I know, in my dreams, they have a bit different behavior... like increasing the qualities I most like of them, and in this case she was being very smiley to me, she was walking with me, she saw things that attracted her and wanted to go there, I nodded and followed her calmly, and she seemed to be happy because of me, something really strange in real life... no need for a psychologist I would say itís like the inner wish of myself for having a close friend and make her happy. She made me feel relaxed and I didnít feel like in real life having to deal with people annoying, and complaining about everything. It was... a dream.

Iím not even sure if it really had a plot or something, so I just remembered the moment of being there with her, a pleasant moment that the closest feeling Iíve had, has been at night with another person. But I guess Iíll never stop being a dreamer, daydreamer, wonderer or psycho.


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