I'm just learning    2002-06-22 21:31:16 ET
Ok, so my day today, I went to my violin lessons in the morning, two hours starting at 10 A.M. Oh, my teacher is so nice! She instructs me so well, not like the other teachers. Besides she is young, too pretty... and goth! I always blush when she touch my fingers and put them in the right possition in the violin saying: "No, look, you have to put it like this...". Besides the way she teaches is so gentle, then when I'm practicing she is taking care for other students, some children students, and she has this sweet voice when teaching them the notes while they're playing, like: "Ok, do the next note... 'La', 'Fa', 'Fa', 'Sol', 'La'... (A,F,F,G,A...)". Ha! from all my childhood I never had the chance to say 'wow, my teacher's hot' until now, heh he.

Anyway, she told me that in two weeks there will be like a test for new students and I had to choose one melody from the practice book. I chose an easy one because I'm not very good yet. Something called 'long long ago'. Oh well, I hope I have already dominated that one for the next two weeks, wish me luck!

 Again.    2002-06-19 22:53:04 ET
So youíll say life goes on, ... which oneís? Iíd say.

Obviously every life has to ďgo onĒ. If it wasnít going on it would be death and thus it wouldnít be life. But then why am I asking which life? Because human life has reached a level of subjectivity in which itís hard to create psychological laws that should apply for everyone. I donít believe some of those laws are being applied on me as well as on others, either because Iím clinically insane or because Iím another forgotten sad romantic philosopher.

Today, I went to buy a cd, which I liked a lot, then started to keep drawing in something I havenít finished with the music. Oh yes... I always draw while listening music. I lose concentration or bore myself too quick if Iím not listening music while drawing. I tried to practice some notes for the violin and I realized, again, that I suck for that. I only have like 3 months with it but I know I suck. I wanted to try it for many many reasons, one of them was simply because I like the sound of it.

I just wonder if someday I will ever feel loved.

 I need a break.    2002-06-16 04:33:07 ET
Yesterday I went to my violin lessons, which was pretty well.. I guess. Well, I finally got to the eigth notes! which is quite hard to me because I'm a very slowly person, and plus I have the worst memory ever, I always forget the notes. Anyway, my teacher said it was fine and I should worry about memorizing notes yet, that it was better to practice my finger movements. She's nice and very good! Maybe I'll draw her one day to put it as my violin method book cover.

Mmh... so I've been listening too much classical music... the next performance of the orchestra will be until June 28th, so I have plenty time for listening heavy, black and doom metal again. And since I finished reading a book I think I'm going to read some stuff of philosophy or something. Any suggestions? (e-books I can download if posible).

 What IS this?    2002-06-14 12:39:24 ET
Yesterday was one of the most horrible days, only for one thing. It happened something really bad. It wasnít about my feelings on social life nor my lameness of the pretty girl I wrote before, it was... my academic dignity has now failed at all. All people, everyone, had always known me for being a math lover, yes, Iíve always loved math, but... something very denigrating has happened to me. It was honestly the only support I had for being alive. I could be the worst at anything cognitive by human brain, but I would always be a math lover... but now... this happened... and I have nothing that makes me keep wanting to be alive... oh really I have no words to describe it, it has been the worst thing ever, more than my lameness in front of beauty of social stuff, more than anything, thatís all I can say.

~ ~ ~

So, today, as consequence I walked around with my ugly sad face, and I decided to go to the place where I might have the luck of watch the goth girl again, because I decided that the draw I had made that I wanted to give to her didnít look like her too much and yesterday at evening I decided to draw specifically her, now this draw looks a bit more akin to her. So I decided that if I had the chance to see her again, now with my paranoiac mood (due to the math thing) called ďoh, what the fuckĒ, I would give the draw to her at all cost...
She was there, I couldnít resist to keep watching her, finally she had to go, and we, again, took the bus. At first, at the corner she was with a friend of hers but I didnít care and I was almost at the point to talk to her and give her the draw, but when I barely raised my arm the bus came up, so we both get on it, her friend didnít took it so I had the fortune to be near her alone, again. But I was so damn scared; I kind of got a trauma about the experience before. I was trembling. But again, my psychotic force of will said ďwhat the fuck, youíre already a lame, youíre dead, youíve failed at everything, go and make more and more mistakes at your lifeĒ; so I calculated to talk to her one block before she had to take off the bus (so she could leave right away after the strange happening), and with my trembling hand I barely touched her shoulder and said:
- Excuse me...
She turned forwards me. She saw me and I came up the dumbest question.
- Where you that girl at the opera one week ago?
- Mhh? Huh... I... I donít know, which girl? Opera?

I felt so idiot. I had almost planned everything I was supposed to say, and again, I felt so powerless, and started stammering.
- Yes, you were... I... saw you... I... I occurred to do this... ehmm...
I showed the folded paper where I drew her, and give it to her. She took it!
- Yes? Whatís this...?
- I... I only, eh, wanted to... well... I hope you donít mid.... itís just eh...

She noticed that she had now to go, she was confused and kind of wanted to give it back to me, or something. I, with my hands, kind of said that it was hers, that she may take it, so she keep it, and get off the bus.
I stared through the window to see what would she do. I was so damn nervous of what I had just did!!! I saw her unfolding the paper and I barely could see that she looked at it. I didnít know if she was surprised of confused; the bus was leaving from there, I couldnít see her face, I donít know what happened, what would she think of it, what would she feel. For me, it was fine, I was already fucked up in my life, but for her... what would she think of a guy whom she had never met in her life, never spoken or known who he was, a guy whom she had no clue at all who was he, and suddenly he gives her this drawing of her, without ever had known them eachother? I donít know. What will happen? I barely wrote with pencil on the paper ďcomments to:Ē and put my two e-mail addresses. Will she think that was pathetic? Will she dare to write? Oh shit, I donít know, but I guess... I shouldnít be worry anymore because my life sucks at all. Letís see what happens... what it matter is that I did it.

After that, I headed to some university where there was an art contest in which I send some draws a month ago, and now was time for the authors to pick them up. I went there and have my draws back and came home again. I slept because I was so depressed still about the other thing, and now I wrote this. Tonight I will go again to the theatre to listen the orchestra performing ďThe Four SeasonsĒ of Vivaldi, I hope that relaxes me a bit to wake up a bit more encouraged tomorrow. Meanwhile I think Iím going to eat something and rest or whatever.

 My Hugest Woe    2002-06-12 15:22:06 ET
People have told me that Iím not a very communicative person, that I donít know how to express my emotions, that Iím shy, and what today happened I think it proves it... it motherfucking proves it maybe as the biggest evidence ever been... Iím the most worthless shit ever created here:

Today... Today I went again to the place where I glance at this gorgeous lady, this absolutely incredible pretty gothic face, this admirable awe which Iíve only been watching her as many some other girls Iíve watched due to their beauty, but this one is the one I saw at the opera the other night, I decided that I wanted to follow her to at least ask her name, which was now late for that because now I had investigated her name already, so now I didnít have any other excuse than ask her if I could draw her or any pathetic thing I could come up with.

So, fortunately, we took the same bus (because I also wanted to go somewhere else) and while we were waiting the bus to come on I was there... near hear...about 5 ft near hear, but I didnít dare to emit a sound to her, because she looked so adorable standing there... and we were alone there in the corner. Then the bus came on, obviously I let her get in first, which give me the chance to look part of her soothing legs because she was wearing this school-like skirt with a pair of black boots. I didnít dare to sit down the seat next to her because there were too many empty seats and itíd look too strange, so I sat on the seat behind her, so I could breathe the fresh of her hair because it barely rained and we got wet just a little. Sat there I was thinking... thinking as I always do... thinking if I should really go to speak to here... what would I say...? what would she do...? So, I started thinking that if I could ask her if sheíd go to the next orchestra performance (then I could se her again) or invite her... or if I should ask if she would like me to draw her or whatever... but I wasnít sure.

Finally, my insanity of not knowing what to do remembered me that I was carrying a bag pack where I had a notebook in which I had drawn a goth girl months ago. This draw looked so akin to her, and I remembered I drew it inspired in her... so I was planning to show it and give it to her, so that would happen then itíd be madness or whatever but at least Iíd have done something... but I couldnít dare to interrupt her beauty with my voice... then she finally stood up to get off the bus because I think she was now arriving to her home. I also stood up and got off the bus with her... when the most extraordinary weakness in me appeared: I was ready with the paper in my hand in which I had the draw to give it to her!... and almost ready to emit a sound calling her, something simple like ďhuh, excuse me... I...Ē... when I felt again the beauty of her face (because on the bus I was only able to see her front behind) and I couldnít do anything but keep walking slowly and watching and moving to another direction from her... when I figured out that I lost her because I took another way than sheís, ...I stopped... I went back again to the street she took... and she was gone... I realized that I screwed up!... ... ...I didnít dare to follow her anymore at that point because then it would look obvious that I was following her with no reason (or at least with a pathetic one). I failed to myself, again... but more ridiculously than ever.

I realized how fucking sad and damn weak I was... am... will be... always in front of that muse... and how Iíll always be this poor bastard weak as a child in front of beauty... which made me furious to myself; many many thoughts came to me then. How Iíll really go insane one day. Iíll become a vegetable, a lunatic, freaky, sickened, mental ill living being... if this is what is called my life. I wanted to yell anything, I wanted to stroke everything, I just wanted to be dead but I couldnít kill me by myself, but certainly I wonít do absolutely nothing to defend my life... so if anyone want to become a serial killer or so you may start with me Iím already fucked up... because when real people matter or get sad from real social, emotional problems, Iím suffering by the most childish grieve or sorrow with beauty. Damn me! Iím worth nothing and thatíll never change!

Iím not sure Iím going to see her again, because Iím not going to the place I frequented anymore I believe, my duty there was over today. Or maybe I will still going there due to some other problems but and if I see her itís probably that we... I mean, that I wonít have the chance to be alone with her again (yes, I think you noticed Iím quite shy). But now this wrath about my pathetic life has made feel that if something like this happens to me again, I will definitely take the chance whatever it costs, maybe more lunacy and unawareness of what Iíll be doing. ...Iím not so sure about why Iím writing this... I guess... that itís because even if someday I find happiness and joy with something or someone else, this will be my evidence of how Iím really worthless. But for now Iíll keep swallowing my sorrow Ďtil death.

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