Where's my pillow?    2002-06-11 17:46:43 ET
Why is it that when feel so likely to write so much is when I'm not in the right place to write it down here. I only remember that I had a dream this morning in which I killed a person... wow. I don't really know what to say about it. Let's see.

The dream I can't remember what it was about. I only remember that I was with someone next to me (not sure) and that the guy I killed was pssing me off too much. And in the dream as well as in real life I had him too much patience. When someone pisses me off I'm often apathic about it. I think of them as kids and maybe tell the "huh, yeah well, fuck you asshole" and I leave them. And I have to make clear a diference of being pissed off or a bit angry and being mad, because when I do get mad I do can be destructive or insane, but don't worry (if anyone had the remote idea to read this) and don't get mad that easyly, so that's why in my dream I got this wrath into him and hit him with this really huge hammer. I broke all his skull and he was bleeding all over while I was looking at him laughing and smiling so beautifuly insane until I decided it was to lame and leaved him. Within the dream and when I woke up I never felt guilty at all. Now that I remember a bit more... I think that in the dream I was walking at night pissed off of my life and such when suddenly this guy tried to assault me, I guess that irritaed me so.

I have to say that the strange of all this is that I didn't feel panic at all while dreaming so it wasn't a nightmare. When I woke up I didn't feel something strange either. Everything was calmed, but it does put me think in how is that killing a human being in a dream felt so natural in my behavior, but in real life I'm sure it won't be the same.

 Consequences    2002-06-08 13:48:20 ET
The Opera: Yesterday at night, I went to an Opera. I hade never been to an opera before, and I got to say it was fabulous. The opera I assisted to was The Barber of Seville, the main theme composed by Rossini. I remember how I liked a lot that melody, I had that one on one of those ď100 masterpieces classical music collectionĒ and I played that may times on the Cd player; I also downloaded the mp3 when I didnít know I already had it, and I was sure I had heard that in a cartoon, and I remembered well so I figured out that some Looney Tunes cartoons had classical music on it, so I started downloading some of them until I find that one called The Rabbit of Seville which is a very funny cartoon and I like it.

So, the opera began with that theme melody which I was so excited to listen at live performance, and when I first heard at the actor/singer with this very professional and talented voice I got astonished. Then other and others start singing too. Then, when the barber started singing too I immediately recognized the song which also appears in a cartoon but I donít remember in which one or its title, you know, the famous Figaro. The whole opera was beautiful, all the sopranos, tenors, basses, etc, was great! The story was about a man whom was in love if this woman and pleaded advice from the barber of the town, Seville. The opera was all in Italian, and due to Italian is somehow similar to Spanish I recognized a few words, besides, they had like one of those screens for adding subtitles for its understanding. At the end, everyone liked it so much that there was like 10 or 15 min continuous without silence: everyone was applauding so much that even myself didnít know if this was part of the opera itself. It was great! I liked!

Thoughts between the opera: For much beautiful something can be, thereís always something, in this case some people, who make it either worse or better. You know, there were like those snobbish people there that doesnít enjoy that much of art, they were there just because of their money. Fuck them! Watching those people just laughing and making absurd commentaries about it, having their kids besides them running through the corridors (in the intermission) wondering ďwhen is it gonna end?... I wanna go home now mom...Ē oh fuck them! Donít they have the enough money to put someone to baby-sit them? Maybe, only maybe, if those were some prodigious children learning arts there, but... oh come on! And it couldnít be missed the guy whom had to be coughing there so loud... damn!

But at least I did see something nice between the audiences, this astonishing, gorgeous, and beautiful Goth girl there. A girl which I had had watching her from a place I go often, we donít know us each other. I think weíve just interchanged glances, but... damn! ...how gorgeous is she! She was at least having fun with two friends, not like me, -yes, if you wonder- Iím so pathetic that I went there alone. Which made think, again, in my ugly life, my pathetic essence. Of how is it that for much I try to be gentleman I have never had the taste of otherís lips in me... how I barely have a friend which only likes me as a small friend whom likes arts like me... how Iíll be always wandering someone elseís beauty... never having someone to heat me in a hug... to say truth, none of the dudes that pretend to be my ďfriendsĒ know me as a goth lover, a romantic poet, an emotional sad guy, a fine-arts watcher, they think Iím the same metalhead as always only more depressed lately... but from now on I think I wonít care absolutely nothing about that... because Iím way too ridiculously alive to care of my health, so sadly alive too smile at their comedy, too sickened and mad for caring them, too sole and pathetic to be loved. ...You see, now how is that for every single beauty I see around there I feel more dead. I did more things that night... well, I mean, I thought of more subjects that night, but Iíll write them in another occasion because I feel too... fucked up now to keep going. I think I'll have a night-walk... oh fuck everything... fuck...

 Cloudy    2002-06-07 06:30:13 ET
Finally is Friday, normally I donít have plans to do, on any day, but lately there has been some classical music performances at a theatre, and I have assisted to two of them. Today theyíll have an Opera, The barber of Seville, by Rossini, and of course Iím going there tonight, Iíve never been to an opera before, so itíll be interesting.

I donít have too much to say right now only that the sky is cloudy and I love cloudy days, but Iíll surely write something tonight when I get back from the opera. Meanwhile Iíll be drawing and/or listening to some music, either classical, heavy metal or black metal.

Oh no! the sun is coming out! No!

 I'm alone and lost.    2002-06-06 06:27:51 ET
I am so fucked up. Iím so worthless. My life is pathetic. Iím stupid. Why is it that I can think of subjects in a way that maybe only philosophers would entertain, but normal people would reject? Why is it that I think of the mind as an entity aware of it by itself and awareness itself?

Iím always wandering of the psychic processes of the mind that make people think like they think. Always wandering of the conscience that human beings have as their natural element of existence. Always concluding that mechanical movement of planets rotation worth the same shit than the pope. That nothing is really especial as we wanted it to be in a general social law. That only subjectivity is what paradoxicaly have made human conscience, for its own importance, its own awareness.

All of that thought just to again watch decaying my pathetic life into loneness... no empathy to shelter me, no warm arms to hold me like I wish, no muse to dedicate poems, no reason to be proud of. Just the simple idea... or the ancient philosophy... that everything is as fucked up as it always has been.

 Little faces    2002-06-05 19:09:03 ET
At midday I got pissed off because I wanted to recharge two rechargeable batteries but I bought the wrong accessories, fuck! And when Iím angry Iím not aggressive as I used to be, Iím more apathetic about things.

Then, I took the bus and the angry mood became a sad one, you know, due to thinking how clumsy I am about putting attention to something, and there, in the bus, I saw this very pretty baby girl whom stared at me for a few seconds, and how I live babies. This one was very strange from others Iíve seen. This one didnít seem truly happy and smiley like the most, but it didnít look sad either. This one looked like wanderer baby. Pretty strange, huh? Even though she did smile sometimes, she just looked like wandering something, she didnít have a point clear to look at, she looked very thoughtful, and I guess that was what made me feel wanderer too.

I love babies; I donít know why since I was kid I liked babies, oh tidy smiling angels. Some dudes have told me that Iím strange because of that, because it has been more natural for a girl to have a maternal feeling to babies, but me, as a man, I donít exactly feel a paternal feeling for babies, itís just that I like them very much. That and so was what I was thinking this day, which made me think in many other things, yes, I digress too much sometimes, so I started thinking how fucked up I am, how I think a have no real friends, though the ones I really care I try to be friendly but sometimes it results that Iím more un-friend-able. For now Iíll just keep wondering if Iíll ever get a warm hug when I need it.

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