2002-08-12 14:34:42 ET
i changed the decor here.. tell me what you think.. the background is from requiem for a dream.. (a darren arnofsky film)...

i am still enjoying my new job. roommate drama is kind of prevalent but i am ignoring that. tonight there is a meteor shower starting at 11 pm. i am going to this spot off the shore of brooklyn, on this broken concrete platform in front of an abandoned factory, you can see the whole island of manhattan and skyline from across the water, and reflected on it. you can also see stars. i am going to go on this rock and lie down like an iguana. and i am going to look up for shooting stars, because i am a geek, and i think space is Really Cool.

in fact, i think that space is so cool, that me& a friend went to an IMAX space movie last night.. in 3d. about the space station. it was so real, they filmed it especially for 3d because they used two cameras spaced about 6 inches from each other... like when they poured out the water in the cabin and it bubbled and floated.. or the runaway m&ms hit the camera... i instinctively opened my mouth to catch them... the film was a blatant piece of propaganda by Lockheed Martin justifying tax dollars spent on space exploration but it was still cool, because cape canaveral florida is my home, before i came to n.y. 2 years ago

so my money problems look like they have passed.. i am much happier... although the car broke down w/a flat tire in the bronx last night and i didnt get home till 330 am... i like my job enough to not mind dragging my carcass there half dead...the only thing is that i may be locked out of my house again because i lost my keys... but anyone who knows me knows that i am like the guy from Memento. i have a serious problem with memory. i also have a serious organization problem, i think being in my work environment has taught me this... but something funny i notice, is that all the challenges and problems i have now, situations where i am my own greatest enemy, arise out of things my second grade teacher could have told you about me. i am a SLOPPY KID. irresponsible, procrastinating avoidant etc.

on a lighter note, i went to the ecraft show.. i had such a great time.. i ran into everyone i wanted to see there... Furax, Bio, Kain, Doktor242... Sammy from killbox... props to everyone who bought me drinks... i was more than a bit wobbly getting home... ecraft was a lot more energetic and well put together than they were last year...and ben (dj hellraver) didnt play his usual commercial fare, no he played industrial to impress e craft since they were at the show to... so industrial was played all night, and i got to dance... ALOT. i think my favorite songs to dance too.. beers steers and queers.. and supernaut... i have started more than one riot to that... oh well off to check my email and look at shooting stars....

 another entry today ah well    2002-08-06 14:39:21 ET
Schizotypal:Very High

-- Click Here To Take The Test --

and the winner is :

Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others*. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way***. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow***.
(* = i display this)
(*** = i display this.. ALOT)
<this goes along with my theories of Coincidence... sometimes i see the world as connected in ways we cannot see... quantum physics was always there to back up my argument but i dont know anymore.. like for instance i believe i caused my cat to get run over by my own horrible thought, it was not something i wanted to happen but she got hit the exact moment i decided with certainty that life was worthless>

and the runners up are... Antisocial and Dependent (isnt this an oxymoron?)

A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior*, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. They tend to lie*** and steal. Often, they are careless with money***** and take action without thinking about consequences*. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.

Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent*. They tend to let others make important decisions for them* and often jump from relationship to relationship***. They often remain in abusive relationships*****. They are overly sensitive to disapproval. They often feel helpless and depressed*.

Furax, only you can save me now!

 wooooohooooooo    2002-08-06 14:09:02 ET
this is a big thing for me because i havent ever.. not since 4th grade anyways

i have a new job, this is my 2nd day at it.. i'm a sales representative for Greenpoint Bank in Grand Central Station.. Yup right in the middle of everything... for once i get good coffee in the morning... good coffee! i'm really happy... the environment is better the commissions are twice as sweet, i'm one of three licensed people in a branch of 30, and everyone in that area has mad money so im going to own this fucking place! (i sell investments) .. getting fired was the best thing that could have ever happened to me... buuuuuuuuut
enough about me

everyone look at http://www.subkultures.net/Broken+Machine

BE NICE TO HER SHE IS MY LITTLE SISTER. i have been feeding her my musical tastes and she has been very receptive. if im going to have to choose between britney spears and myself brain washing her goddamn it its going to be me.

she's seriously had so many problems in florida, i wish i could apply for custody of her and save her from it. the thought of being able to do that is the invisible gun to my back when i'm at work... because you can do anything if you have enough money, they gave custody of her to her mom who lives off of alimony/child support.. and doesnt make any money.. if i can mack it out maybe like $40 k or so... they'll take me seriously.. i know this is not the time of my life to play parent, and i shouldnt have to clean up 'other peoples messes' especially the so called adults that surrounded me... but goddamn it she is not a mess shes my little sister... and our dad has more or less given us the silent universal signal for "fuck off"... mom is a child herself so she cant do it... but i feel powerless... my grandparents hate me because i ran away to New York (if you can count being kicked out of your house so your dad can sell it while your mom is in rehab 'running away') and yet i still am moderately successful... they think it sets a bad example for my sister... ive learned to go through life not doing what you're 'supposed to', but doing WHAT WORKS. like college, for instance. i would have loved to continue going... especially since i pretend what my dad thinks isnt important when it is.. but hes the one that promised me rides to a school 50 minutes away .. when i had no car, and never delivered... but let me register anyway... (one thing that rocks about NY is that for $1.50 you can go anywhere you fekkin please)...
I'm too busy making a living to try and go to college now, if i did I want to go to Baruch School of Business in manhattan, they have 2 degrees i'm interested in, both cross-disciplinary... one is called Business Management of Musical Enterprises (then id deal with miserable musicians for a living and not just for fun), or Corporate Communications/Graphic Design. Both count as an MBA in business, and here you cant get a job selling hot dogs until you have that. but both appeal to my creative side, or 'why i really wake up in the morning' ... it just sucks to watch my own dreams slip away and know that unless i stop it the same things will probably happen to her...


 nice    2002-08-03 14:14:30 ET

The most hated of all on subkultures.net, we had to create the privacy features early on for this character. We love cath too much to delete him, but he had to be banned for periods of time due to user conflict. Whatta punk!

What subkultures member are you?

so i guess im some sort of catalyst or something...

its true, (ask Insomnia) i dont know why in the world my loved ones put up with me... i was that kid that always gets suspended from school but somehow never expelled.. and i thought i was going to end up being Biomechanic... hmn

well i'm being dragged off to see Voltaire tonight at the Ratcave (Albion/Batcave)... i wouldnt go except it was free because my roommate regularly takes it in the arse from Voltaire.
i left my MIDI controller on and it ate all the batteries. so now i have to get new ones. (wah) and i was werking on something too. and the annoying part, is when youre on Reason 2.0 and youre playing something and your keyboard/midi controller cuts out without giving the "note off' signal it just keeps going and going... ew.

haujobbs ex girlfriend goes to my hairdresser. you know, you move to new york for anonymity, and what happens....

well since i have done absolutely NOTHING with myself worth noting besides procrastinate about my hair im going to post something i found and forgotten i had written

-way of the gun

i run i run
i reach for the gun
and in reaching, i learn to abstain
i point, i shoot
the point that was moot
is being recycled again

i speak, i lie
this will cannot die
but toss in its sleep and its shame.
the heart, the truth
the pain at the root
tries to resurface again

i run, i run
the way of the gun
is to draw without anger, or fear
to learn, to prove,
but never to use
these truths that grow painfully clear

but what of the days we spent learning the ways
to retrace all those steps we had made
the things we have done, they grow bright in the sun
and then disappear in the shade

the tries, the takes, the numbered mistakes
at the end of teh blade still remain.
i run, i run, the two that were one
are now eating each other again...

<for some reason writing has been easier for me than drawing. i am good at drawing but now have a full blown phobia of it..,>

 DILEMMA!! CONFUSION!!!    2002-08-02 14:57:51 ET

i need an answer, and quick!!!

should i cut my hair? i currently have long black hair that goes down my back but is in terrible shape.. stylistically, i dress combat/rivet-ey when im not working and in business suits (yes i wear a tie) when i am working. most of the time my hair is in a ponytail anyways. and thanks to global warming and no A/C in my brooklyn apartment im ready to hack it all off.. so im thinking of something not like the goth bob.. not as bouncy and shapey.. but boylike simple and short..my bangs stay long.. if they try to touch my bangs i will KILL THEM but i have had the same hair since like 5th grade.... im thinking of a toned down bob in front, bangs chin length going upwards to make it appear that i have real cheekbones.. getting shorter in the back, maybe an inch or2 underneath shaved.. but i have to get somethingclean cut and professional.. im just pleased it will look good with new suits i buy...and briefcases and cell phones and stuff.. i know im weird.. but i only have a limited window to do this before i chicken out again, or run out of money. and the window is this weekend.... hmm.

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