**shakes with fever***    2002-09-20 13:25:38 ET
well thats it, now i've gone and done it.. i'm running a fever.. really bad.. ive had it for like 3 days.. and im shaking and cold but i know its not really cold.. i slept for 16 hours yesterday... and im really tired now but i can't sleep... played hooky from work (actually passed out on the train, almost on another passenger) woke up 8th ave 4 stops away from where i needed to be... then discovered that i forgot my bank keys (only the ones to the vault so i could have still gone in without issue) but i was in no shape to keep going, esp. being that you cant eff up when you're working w/other ppl's money... so instead i went to the store and spent my last $8 on batteries for my keyboard/midi controller... then Insomnia took me to the store with her... bought me fever medicine.. took care of me etc.. (though im sure she's sick of it by now)... then dragged me to get *gulp* A MANICURE. now that is the girliest thing i have ever done. so here i am, playing hooky from work, getting a manicure.. life is rough.. well at least now my nails match my cellphone, computer and scanner.. gunmetal silver.. my favorite color..

i once had a friend with a problem with depression.. self inflicted like me... and after a while our paradigm threatened to destroy all others i had around me.. so
Because my sister requested it- a piece i wrote around her age.. 4 years ago

</industrial rain>

reduced to black corduroy, covering bone
soggy and wet, and very alone
temptation most potent (duration unknown)
as long as i stand here, we both stand alone.

afraid of each other/of crossing the borders
these feelings lash out with no logical order
they tear down two worlds with no time to recover
they tear down our lives/they tear down our lovers
they burn with a speed, and a hellish white wrath
that eats away flesh, that cuts a swift path
down the porcelain sculpture that serves as your face
(so these are the dreams of the tears that i taste)

as i follow these traintracks, my world fades to black
i kiss them away but they keep coming back
like a petulant child lashing out, but in vein
and burning your face like industrial rain.

okay the fever has gotten too bad now.. i have to run back home... play w/computer... sleep, something... *smacks arm* stop shaking already!!!! *meh*

</over and out>

"when i was a child, i had a fever, my hands felt just like two big balloons. now i have that fever once again, i cant explain, you would not understand; this is not how i am."

-pinkfloyd, comfortably numb

 attention defecit    2002-09-18 17:36:36 ET
i have noticed lately my tendency to have a complete lack of attention span. i have never thought of myself as one to have attention defecit disorder but i think something is definitely going on. i spread myself too thin.. too many interests, friends, things to do etc (and it looks like i'm taking a 2nd job too). i dont know if all of these things are as 'necessary' as they seem to be; in fact i dont know if i've fallen into a pattern of deliberately distracting myself. this may be due to my phobia of working on art/music, the things i used to do without a problem, the things i lived for, when i was in florida. this penchant for distraction causes me to instantly blow money the second i get it thus making me the most destitute banker i know (oh the temptation...)

i am also experiencing a lack of emotion, or more specifically, a lack of empathic ability, almost sociopathic. i am not sure if its the stackers doing this to me (when i stay up too late socializing, clubbing, drinking etc. and have to go to work i take these diet pills called stackers that are basically legal speed. they rob me of emotion and give me an anger problem when i take them with coffee, but they make working 10 hours on 2 hours of sleep possible) i had a much bigger stacker problem last year as i was a certain dj's girlfriend and had to constantly make the club circuit as well as work/commute a considerable distance. after like 3 consecutive days of 1-4 hrs sleep per night, and being at work from 7 am to getting out of my last meeting at 830 pm i was a fucking zombie when i got home.. i really havent felt this bad in a long time.

this attention deficit thing is manifesting itself in many inconvenient ways. losing my keys, wandering around my room wondering what i was supposed to be doing five minutes ago.. putting stuff on the back burner at work then forgetting.. and peoples names.. oh god, i have a job in sales and i can never, ever remember peoples names. i got a planner to stop pissing my friends off. tonight i zoned out while waiting for michael to pay the parking ticket and i turned around and he had disappeared (i think i'll blame my losing in air hockey on this too...) and i had just zoned staring into space... maybe its just a by product of how much being up north has stressed me out..? but the nature of this problem makes me my own worst enemy...

im not sure whats more important, treating the symptoms of this disease by themselves or trying to look deeper into the cause. perhaps for now i should practice damage control and light introspection? or perhaps the whole quest is fucked from the get go because the problem is really that i just need to relax more? what could be wearing on me this much? my personal life is no less complex than it usually is but i'm okay with that now, hell by now i'm used to it. i'm slightly concerned with how easy it is for me to be okay with these things (yes im being intentionally vague) but i can endure things no normal human can, plus my value system is different...

maybe time will make things better? or does time mean to me only the gradual accumulation of paychecks and a wearing around the edges? or is time just regrets, weighed in months like teaspoons of sugar?

<music of the week - ANT-HOLOGY (ant-zen comp)<BR> gridlock 5.25
stromkern armageddon >

<current books - the psychology of persuasion, the novelests guide to creating plot>

<most recent movie: kirosawa, drunken angel>


 maybe i've been watching too much gangster films but...    2002-09-07 13:54:24 ET
the other day something very curious happened to me... three of the investment firm guys in my bank pulled me aside (i'm one of only three ppl in a branch of 40 licensed to sell investments).. i had to go b/c my break was over but they said it was ok and not to worry they'd see to it i didnt get in trouble. then they shut the breakroom door behind them.. so there i am sitting at a table with a cliche overhead lamp swinging like in a gangster movie. and they told me how important it was that i was licensed, and that if i could make the insurance numbers happen they would see to it that 'no one could fuck with me'. keep in mind i've only been there three weeks. i pointed that out and they said that it didnt matter how long the others had been there (some of them working for the company longer than i've been alive) as long as i made the numbers work they would speak to joe (the bank manager) and see to it that i will be 'taken care of'.. and what happens if i dont make my numbers i wonder? do i get shot and dumped out of a car on some remote part of the Long Island Expressway?
---meanwhile outside of the corporate world---
sorry for the long miserable rant in the previous entry.. but i am actually *using* my sketchbook.. although the only nearby victims are sleeping.. i had gotten to the point that it doesnt matter what exactly i draw or even if it sucks, just as long as i keep the lines up and running. someone told me the other night in the park that the cure for writers block was just to keep going, doing anything at all.. and i guess my biggest problem (in writing art, and even music) has been fear. but there comes a time when you have to choose whats more important to you, fear or beauty. i just hope that i have the character it takes to choose beauty on a consistent basis. thats why i would, in my ideal of ideal futures, not be an evil CEO for a big company (though that may very well be where i'm headed) but a mild mannered comic book artist.
im upstate again for the weekend. more of the same. today is so beautiful it feels hallucinatory. the sky is crystal and the temperature perfect, the roads littered with greenery. it rained too much to go to playland last weekend so we're trying again tomorrow. i plan on dressing corporate-40's gangster style to club to celebrate the creepy scene i could only describe as an 'initiation'.. i cant wait for all the 'rivets' to make fun of me. fuckers. they won't be laughing ten years from now.

later kids

<death by design>

OH YEAH in case i forget.. anyone who gets a chance should watch 'reanimate' its an 80s rendition of an HP Lovecraft story.. and its so tasteless i loved it. every tasteless thing i wanted them to do they did. even when i was like 'yeah, the headless guy should touch her boobies and get blood on them !!' they *did* it!!! it made me so happy..

 it was just an online quiz.. i swear    2002-09-04 13:05:05 ET
YES!!!!! surely this must be a good omen!!


Which Jhonen Vaquez character are you? By EmReznor.

i bought a new sketchbook yesterday. i am afraid of it and happy for it at the same time. in this cute little test that i just took, (see above) the last question was : what is your greatest fear?

i thought for sure it would be Stupid Idiots Procreating (see rant:Evolution Doesn't Work Anymore circa May2002). but then the last option hit me very hard (See Also - Am I Really Schizophrenic?: People Who Take Online Tests Too Seriously, July 2002). the last option.. my biggest fear.

Losing My Creativity.

I kid about it but i really am afraid of the sketchbook. and losing what was once one of my main defining characteristics. I read a book called Drawing Blood, by Poppy z. Brite, about a father who used to be a comic book artist... who lost the gift to draw... it could have been the alcohol but whatever it was he woke up and it just wasn't there. and this sense of inner failure drove him to take the lives of his wife and kid...

i don't really know how to describe it but i feel like i have lost so much since leaving Florida two years ago. I used to be so much more awake, alive, intelligent, opinionated. I would write furiously for hours about philosophy, physics.. there were dots everywhere i could spend eternity connecting. but now everything just seems random, dreary, unconnected. maybe your decisions fork out before you... and there are certain paths you choose that will drain the color out of your life. i think that dumb decisions that are purely motivated are better, inherently, than 'smart' decisions that come from fear, or a lack of faith. i mean, maybe its just stress. my initial reasons for coming here weren't that bad.. i mean, freshly 18, no school, hate your job, family wrecked... and you get an opportunity to go somewhere so completely different. but i've moved about 10 or so times in the past 2 years, experienced Strange Drama after Strange Drama. Two abusive (!) relationships, fights (sometimes physical) cops, being ripped off of $2000. anybody else would have left by now.

but what happens here, the drama, wherever i live, what i'm doing for a living, even. doesn't matter. because what i really enjoy. is creating. what i'm terrified of losing, is creating. and i'm so scared that i can't even put my pencil to paper. everything in my portfolio is from a 2 month spurt that happened last year. i'm also afraid i'm losing my intelligence but i don't know what to do about it. i mean, getting into college would be nice, that's my dream. to spend my days learning things, pushing myself. free to laterally drift in thought instead of worrying about quarterly revenue goals. The two live in relationships i've had were with the two people whose character i never liked at all, but circumstance pushed me together with. and the people i really care about, the people (not just romantically) i've wanted a chance to be around more (eric, my little sister etc.) i've been cut away from. and i struggle for words that in 10th grade i would use just to show off, my short term memory is dying, but even as i decay i expect tou much from others. but its been forever since someone has really opened my mind, blown me away... surprised me, scared me, made me feel anything at all...
and it all adds up to this enormous sense of loss, the kind that is so big and vast that it is easy to live with, because it so completely envelops you you cant imagine any other way of existing. my wallpaper here is from requiem for a dream, he's in prison in florida. calling his girlfriend in new york, and he tells her to wait for him. and he can't tell her that he's not coming back, he can't admit to her that this time he's fucked it up for good and there's no turning back.

so what is redemption then. redemption is today. redemption is taking my sketchbook home and holding it and crying with it if i have to. redemption is dusting off my keyboard and reinstalling one of the music programs my mentor/friends have given me... redemption is running up to that wall and instead of stopping at the last second, terrified, backing away... hitting it full force. feeling like a jack ass until i figure out the sequencer, or get the proportions right. and then doing it again, in the hopes that even if the wall isnt changing on the surface.. even if it hurts just like the first time i tried to draw again... something inside of this wall is breaking where i can't see. and when i least expect it will crumble, and every time ive tried, even the ones where i disappointed myself will count. and maybe i didnt fuck it up for good... you never know. but until then, i don't expect my somber mood to change much.

death by design/ over and out

     2002-09-01 16:58:56 ET
so i am having a rather nice weekend... i escaped to Upstate NY (even i get sick of the city)... but its been rainy... so we watched movies: goodfellas... das boot... went to multiple really cool parks and an arcade... and tomorrow i go to playland... (the place from that 80s movie Big w/tom hanks) so suffice it to say i feel like a kid right now. i'm even sucking on a lollipop... all this is with the kid from Insomnia's infamous fashion-nazi thread (stopped at 86 replies).. so theres geese everywhere and i couldnt resist : do the goose step!!! the goose step!!! (all in good fun ov course even if someone DOES watch Das Boot a little too much) .. I got italian food made for me last night after watching goodfellas.. fried zucchini and chicken thingies that are italian (yeah i know, real specific) i tried to get him to teach me how to make pasta so i could make it for Insomnia.. we even went to a park where there's a real castle... it looks like a level from unreal tournament.. you know the capture the flag level with the castles... suffice it to say that i have a good time... and my faith in my ability to be a normal kid and enjoy normal kid things is being restored (not every thing i involve myself in has to be weird or screwed up... etc) its a nice feeling... its so good to have weekends off again and be able to do this kind of stuff without having to feel guilty for playing hooky from work...

so i have an idea, i want to start saving up to go snowboarding. i already can surf rather well ( i am from florida, originally) and i wonder, who would go with me on such a thing. i think i would rather buy my own board, and snowboarding from what i hear is a more chick friendly sport.. i'm sure i'll get hooked and end up moving to some obscure part of upstate ny so i can snowboard all the time... besides i'm learning that city life isn't all its cracked up to be.. if only i had a car...

death by design/ over and out

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