surprise    2003-01-20 17:12:41 ET

 what the F    2003-01-20 14:30:02 ET
"You will live in Mansion.
You will drive a red firebird.
You will marry Izzy and have 0 kids.
You will be a architect in floorida"

goddamn it! i wanted to get STORM!!!
thats it im going to the OUIJA bourd for a second opinion.

(hint, pick a small favorite number, no more than 20... )

my possible futures included bayonne, vegas, motorcycles, 12 kids, pr0n stardom, writing, marrying doktor242 (or eric!) or STORM and being an assasin.

i guess i'll never know.


 killing me softly    2003-01-19 13:31:18 ET
last night was the CY:RX show at the Pyramid.

the boys did wonderfully, as expected.

prior to the show we (myself, Storm, Biomechanic, Doktor242, and Anima Infirmary) had sushi at the sushi place next to generations w/Digit & Downrail... took 2 separate cabs to pyramid.. waited in the freezing ass cold for the promoter to open the door... (deja vu much)

Lais (devilbunny) started out the night, she's a nice girl and an amazing dj; i am now certain that she is trying to kill me with her sets. DasKreestof span as well as dj Sect (from CT) people who showed up later: Furax, Chris (from mindless faith), am i leaving anyone out?

i think that when someone is doing something that they love, that they live for, whatever that may be.. that they become beautiful, they radiate it... After seeing Izzy play last night i understand it all. the sleep deprivation, the antisocial tendencies... its all worth it and i'm sorry if i ever criticized him for the methods he uses to attain his goals (Izzy go to SLEEP, goddamnit!, etc). i could tell he was kind of out of it... and i worry and dont want to encourage him driving himself into the ground... but if you're going to go that far it should be for something youre passionate about and AMAZINGLY FUCKING GOOD at.

it was just really pretty, to see someone that i care about lost in what they love. i cant explain how but it gives me hope.

i want to thank everyone who came out with me last night, and everyone who wanted to but couldnt for some reason or another.

i got four hours of sleep and woke up on time for work at 830 am... thank you, autopilot.. took some stackers to combat the alcohol still left in my system and ate for the first time an hour ago.

I have two main goals right now

1.get into architecture school
2.finish the story i'm writing.

i got a bunch of great ideas for it today.. i wish it would come out piece by piece.. but its growing larger and larger inside my brain; and i am afraid of what i am going to do to my life when it is ready to come out.

iz, i hope to see you play again sometime soon; i'm sorry i acted all shaky after the show, that happens to me when i see something beautiful...

i am surrounded by all this beauty but i never make any.. i know i'm being hyper-critical of myself and i'm going to stop now; i'm just burned out and i'm sure it'll come back to me later... but until then i can console myself with the beauty created by the ones i love.

listening to: how to fake it: power electronics compilation by Biomechanic

Doktor242's song got spun.. and there are so many things that we have in common mentally, i swing between taking them for granted and taking them with a grain of salt.. the mental connection is just too much and too good to be true.. but one of his songs got span last night @ club.. and even though its slower than what i usually dance to, i just felt it.. felt all the transitions, felt everything.. and i think i danced better to his song than anything else that night; it just flowed out of me and is more proof that the connection is very real... or that he's a figment of my imagination, im not sure which

 sad empty house on a friday night    2003-01-17 19:01:23 ET
i cracked open the SAT book, unsure of myself, and pointed to a random spot. i bet you i won't understand what's going on in this page, i thought. i bet you i'm dumb.

the first words beneath my fingers ::

A WARDEN is in charge of a PRISON

(they were explaining analogies)

message receieved, loud and clear.


Sushi. Tomorrow. 7pm. sushi place right next to Generations Records, east village. (i know you know where this is)

be there, or be a square wave (aka Aslan Faction).

love you all.


ps. new pictures of pretty things scroll down...

 when i grow up    2003-01-16 20:21:43 ET
after three years of fighting it
and a lot of lateral drifts
i have made up my mind.

i want to build something beautiful.
i am willing to work towards it.

meet my dad.

his name is Richard. he is a Structural Engineer. See that thing behind him? He made that. He also made me :) not bad, huh?

my grandfather is an architect, his dad a structural engineer, his dad an architect.
the first three are MIT graduates.

everything you see around you, all the buildings, roads, everything... started off on a piece of paper (weird, huh?) and before that, in someone's head.

this time its going to be mine.

this week i lost something. but i also got something else: sometimes life is an inexplicable trade-off.

now i know what i want. now i know where i want to be. and i know what i have to do to get there.

it's not going to be easy. i am terrible at mathematics. its like a dyslexic kid deciding that he loves literature and wants to be an editor. God's big Joke: i want to rebel; i want to be different. but so many great stories are about coming full circle; and how you can't really know what the place you came from is like unless you undergo trial.

i could have done this years ago. but i have learned so much, about life, about people. i can't see the past 3 years as a waste; i simply can't.

i haven't told my dad. i don't know how. but sooner or later i'll have to.

he's the only one who can help me with my homework.


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