Disconnect2004-01-10 03:48:21 ET

There is a certain something in this that has rung a bell.
Something inner, says this is it.
Day by day nerves weaken, and the blood doesn't rush to the face anymore.
The voice, raises, without thought, and no feeling comes to mind when a job is threatened.
Something tells me i've been here before,
apathetic, indifferent, blank, and cold.
Someone pinch me, I think I may still be asleep.
Hope, is priceless.
Not precious.
Wasted time,
it's not dharma this time.
I've paid my dues.
But something else, invisible, holds me back.
I feel its time to let go of this weight.
None more Negative. ;)
All will feel my pre-sense.
watch and listen.
wait and learn.
Who's first.

rib2004-01-04 21:56:58 ET

It's 3, chasing rum with milk,
the cigarette is almost out, and the air is almost completely rid of second hand lung grease.
The music pulls the feelings of hitting walls and having a good time.
I wonder when my box will get here.
cheers to whom ever.

Wow, that was awesome, I just saw a com. on adult swim, with brak and meatwad doing a scene from pulp fiction.
-"do they speak english in what? what?"- etc.
i havent watched this in a crap long time.
and I am downloading some music i don't have.
thats all.

2004-01-04 03:10:37 ET

I have just witnessed 30 seconds of complete silence.
that is all.

Apologetic2004-01-03 05:28:32 ET

I wish, I could say what's on my mind and not step on eggshells anymore.
I want, to go someplace, and know, that there isn't some bit of circumstance around the corner.
I wish, I could drink and laugh with my sister, at least one more time.
I want, to go without sleep and not have to worry about being tired at work.
I wish, I never missed a day of their lives.
I want, to breathe fresh air.
I wish, it was the road, a good friend and me with no possibility of stopping for some time.
I want, to be for sure i'm not in this alone.
I feel, like a nervous wreck.
I wish, I could scream.
I want, to accomplish something before it's too late.
I wish, I could get off of my doubtful ass and do it.
I want, to know what is going on.
I wish, I had never been down this road.
I feel, guilty for nothing.
I want, to know. just to know.
I wish, I could stop feeling sorry for myself, there is definatly people worse off than I am.
I wish, I had never met 10 of the people who turned my life into a never-ending circular motion.

I want, to know why, and how.
I want, to take a wrong turn, and not know anyone in my path.
I want, almost everything I don't have.

I need, my own guidance.
I need, to realize.

All is Optional2004-01-02 05:04:33 ET

I hear the term time reapeats itself over and over.
last year was a continuous loop of the same,
friend after friend they dropped like flies,
and all I could think about was wow, i was in the same place with that person a year ago.
sometimes i regretfully think i could go back to that point, that place where chemical mind expansion was all that went on.
i lost the love of my life last year for good (really awesome friend), halfway because of habit.
but as they say, its life, and as my merry go round goes slower, my stomach loses its sickness.
vertigo can be a raving bastard at times.
I feel if I could keep on losing memories like this, soon, maybe i can be future forward, but a crazy eye-twitching manager told me being serious means that you are growing up, and I don't think i'm ready to be there yet.
so day by day i improve my life, and slowly come out of situations that could be harmful to that future forward self that i might someday become.
one of the resolutions from the list i got from der said i want to be selfless. I have always been, up until a year ago when everything had to benefit me. though I wish all were as it used to be. i'm sure then, I wouldn't have to stress over how im going to be able to be with him, and help her out at the same time.
i wish i could stop hearing about failing relationships and hurt friends and family. high school i went through enough, my high school life was almost the equivelant to the daria episode "the misery chick" (though don't stamp my time card on being accurate, or being able to spell all things correctly) .
The weather has been beautiful here, so much that I mostly sit outside to conduct business, and listen to music through the open window.
Sigur Ros is the cure to every sickness.
And the Afghan Whigs bring me back to a very good three years.
They say if you can't express yourself in your own words, use someone elses. So now, I am using my sister Rebecca M.s words.
"it is an imminent journey that looms before me..."

but something tells me I took a wrong turn somewhere past abandon....

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