2004-02-14 19:43:19 ET

I hate Valentine's Day.

I work at a major shopping center in Long Beach, a place I so adoringly title "little Orange County." It's where cunts from all walks of life go and spend money and break shit and flatulate and be obnoxious and get flustered 'cause it's so damn difficult to find parking for their enormous Hummers and Escalades and all that tank-vehicle shit. It's annoying but also very funny...funny in a way like it's funny to watch a little dog try to fuck a big dog. Or annoying like it's annoying to hear cats fuck at 4:37 am. Choose whichever 'fuck' you like more.

Valentine's Day makes the 'annoying' far worse and the 'funny' far less.

If a young Audrey Hepburn was my girlfriend, then I think I could find a way to quell this seething animosity towards Valentine's Day. Seeing as how that is 100% impossible, I'm afraid I shall hate the 14th of February for the rest of my life.

Fuck you St. Valentine. Fuck you Hallmark. And while I'm at it, fuck you Charlie Brown.

guess what kids - IT'S BITCHIN' TIME!!!
2004-02-12 17:40:23 ET

Bitchin' time is now in FULL-EFFECT!

You wanna know one thing I absolutely despise? Friends who over-stay their welcome. I hate it almost enough to make me want to hurt the friend who is guilty of said atrocity.

When I go somewhere, I might stay the night. It's rare for me to stay two nights in a row (unless it's a girl that I'm really attracted to). Why am I like this? Because I understand that people have LIFE to live and my lazy ass isn't gonna make that process any easier. Plus, if I'm in a place where I don't have my stuff, I get edgy 'cause I can't do the shit I want to do, like draw (hardly anyone has decent art supplies-if you do, I just might stay a little longer). Primarily, I don't like to stay somewhere for very long 'cause I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE AND THAT MAKES ME ANXIOUS!

My friend David just left, like, 30 minutes ago, and not a fucking second too soon. See, he's one of these fuckheads who'll drink heavily the night before (which we did) and then get all drama queen the next day. Like today. I go to school (regardless of hangover-hangovers happen when you drink-this isn't fucking calculous: drink a lot=hangover) expecting David to be gone when I get home in the afternoon. But no. His punk-ass is sitting on the couch doing nothing but feeling sorry for himself. First thing he says to me is "I can't stop throwing up." Don't throw up, fucking grow up. You're a man, plus you're an alcoholic, so don't give me some pathetic excuse like you didn't know what was coming. I got up at 7:00am and took a fucking test at 9:30 ALL WITH A RAGING HANGOVER! Don't be a little bitch!

He had to be at work today at 12:30, plus he needed to meet this guy to see if he can move in with him (David needs a place to stay within three days-he's getting kicked out). But, oh, I'm too sick to work...I can't stop throwing up...waah waah waah. So, what does he do? Buys more beer, the real ghetto shit. There you go...feeling nauseated? Drink some ghetto juice! Forget about your job or the fact that you're not gonna have a place to live in three days.

He did this shit for 3 days people. 3 days of doing nothing. 3 days of me feeling like I gotta entertain someone and that I can't just do my own thing. 1 day is great, 2 is pushing, and 3 is way-the-fuck over the threshold. Why isn't this known? Are people that fucking dense? Is my charisma that enticing?


So look, don't do this shit okay? If you're a friend, then you'll respect other peoples privacy and need to be alone. Okay, nevermind, you'll respect MY FUCKING NEED TO BE ALONE! If I like you in a more-than-friend kind of way, or if you're Josh (my best friend), then don't worry about it, otherwise, don't bother me for too long - I don't like it. I'm here to love baby! But I'm also here to live, so don't crowd me. I don't care who you are or what sex you may be or how much you wanna bow down before me and worship my ass, please don't stay too long. I'll let you know if I want you around. If I'm totally ignoring you, then you need to leave. I mean, shit, if someone's totally ignoring me, I leave, but that never fucking happens 'cause I'M NOT A FUCKING FLEA!



ps: if you were wondering about the backround, that is a picture of my girlfriend

2004-02-04 15:43:09 ET

Okay, this will be the last substance-related post for a while, I promise! I can't help it though...I think this shit is funny-as-hell!

"I once e-mailed Philadelphia’s world-famous Franklin Institute offering my enlarged liver as a companion exhibit to their walk-through heart. I’ve prayed for snow to contain alcohol. Once during a fight, I yelled, “Not the liver!” Sometimes I get drunk and vote Republican."

'You know you're a drunkard when...'

-You don’t like to think of it as blacking out. You prefer to think of it as exercising the lizard brain.

-You don’t mind when your wife finds you stinking drunk in a bar, because then you can hit her up for a free drink.

-You hold a bottle of hair spray and say, "Man, if you were ice cold."

-You wonder why people need friends when you can just sit in a room and drink all day.

-You once got so drunk you dreamed you got fired and broke up with your girlfriend — and it all came true!

-The only drinking problem you have is the two-hands/one-mouth thing.
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