Alas    2005-12-05 19:49:41 ET
I donít know how to write in this Ďjournalí anymore. I do connect and watch around some journals, but sometimes Iím afraid of post a comment or just donít know what to say. I donít have that easiness to be liked by others so quick, hence that Iím afraid of speaking or leaving a simple comment to others.

Speaking of which, I must tell what happened two weeks ago. Nothing really important through the eyes of almost anyone else, but itís more how I felt than what happened.
The little orchestra had another of those amateur orchestras meetings or gathering or whatever the name is, when we play together with another young orchestra from other state to give a concert. So it happened, it lasted, as many others, only the weekend (Saturday and Sunday). By the night, a few of us went to this coffee-bar place and to get to meet some of the other orchestra. I was quite quiet at first. Then, fortunately I had the guts to start a random conversation with the girl next to me, who fortunately I had talked a few words earlier in the concert. Her name is Coral and is quite beautiful, but indeed what then attracted me more was her personality, which I met while talking to her that night. She told me stuff of her self, her character, quite interesting, very strong, she told me how years ago some teachers and school psychologists had lectured her about her behavior and she answered them back and made them cry! Apparently she knew how to fight back with words and make them feel bad to the point of making them cry. Thatís lovely interesting. Oh well, Iím wandering a bit. What I try to tell is that I hadnít met someone that interesting in so long, ...really long. That and what I said before: I had the guts to have a conversation that long. I was barely less than an hour in there talking to her, and every single minute I was torturing myself thinking ďWhat else can I say? Does she look bored now? Shall I ask her more about her life? What kind of topics could she be interested in? Am I looking boring now?Ē. Thatís why I felt so incredible to keep up the conversation without turning it awkward. Even though there do were some moments of silent to listen to what someone else was talking or to take a picture or ordering a drink, etc. But I felt so amazed of the situation, for Iím not of an easy sociable person as I mentioned before. I know, it surely looks even pathetic in the eyes of many people, but in the underworld of shyguys like me, it made me think of that night the whole week after... and still. This makes me either wonder or depress me more by the question of am I going to have another situation like that again? Will I ever find someone that interesting like her? Will I ever have the guts, again? Am I going to die alone? Or barely remembered? Will I ever have the chance to lay in someoneís arms? I simply donít know. I still have the remorse of what could have been of me if maybe I have had the guts like this occasion in earlier years. What only occurs to me is that many people say that there shall be a balance for everything, thus there have to be some losers in the world so others can be the fortunate ones. I wish I could have the certainty of knowing that my sorrows were someone elseís fortunes.

 Something of the such.    2005-11-22 19:56:37 ET
Again, procrastinating entries to this journal. I only can say Iíll try to update more often.
School has been a shit. Flunking and approving randomly. A lot of exams this week and a lot of papers and practices due a few days. Everything is so fucking annoying there.

With the violin, I finished the method was studying, and now the Ďteacherí wants me to study one of Bachís Partitas, more precisely the Prelude of the third Partita, which is painfully hard to me. Itís too difficult. What ever, Iím screwed everywhere. At least the good and exciting thing is that the Orchestra, I regularly go to watch, will be performing Bachís Brandenburg Concertos next Friday 25th. Iím drooling for it. I must be there even if itís the end of the world.

 puke    2005-11-13 18:55:17 ET
Yesterday I got really drunk, perhaps the drunkest Iíve felt. Itís the 4th time I vomit in my life. Itís the second time due to drunkenness. Fortunately no one saw me or knew I vomited; I threw up quietly and cautiously in the bathroom; I cleaned it very well, it looked cleaner than it previously was. Oh well, it certainly was a way to sink some shit Iíve had in my mind lately.

The semester is almost over, less than a month left, hopefully. Iím not doing well in some classes, when not? Tomorrow I have two exams, one of them Iím risky of flunking. Letís see how I do tomorrow. I wish everything ends soon. Fuck, Iím such a procrastinator.

 spiccato    2005-10-30 18:30:56 ET
I found the following video sort of amusing:

On the lat Thursday and Friday I felt somehow well at school, because I actually did some homework and finished a Lab practice quickly and well. Iím not really very good student, I guess thatís why I felt strange those two days; maybe it was just momentary, maybe tomorrow Iíll be back to Ďnormalí, not a very bright student, only a math fan.

On other subject, I bought a DVD thatís a documentary, with information and interviews with legendary violinists. Itís called The Art of Violin. I was in awe, barely blinking, to see the gods of violin, from Ysaˇe to Perlman, it was really astonishing and definitely worth buying it. It really takes a live to master such instrument. I adore violin playing.

Oh, I almost forgot, tomorrow is Halloween, so have a happy Halloween day everybody!

 just again    2005-10-24 19:41:14 ET
I havenít been feeling mentally well since last Wednesday, that is, depressed, bored, apathetic, etc. I donít seem to be doing really well on school, for having only 5 classes I should be putting more attention or having better notes, or studying more, but no, I just donít seem to be very interested in that, Iím always careless about it and forgiving homeworks and such. The only class I feel interested is on Math V, but caring only for one and procrastinating the other 4 is not good. Iím mess.

About the weekend, we had some visitors in the orchestra, played some dull concerts and hang out some, for which the social interaction part is where Iím blacked out; I find really difficult to get along that easy with people who finds attractive eating in fancy malls... I need to be surrounded by ...uhm, filthier places and filthier personalities, and even if so, Iím a mess searching something to talk about.

I only hope the cold weathers come soon. I hate the sun. I need more clouds to dream on.

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