Don't bother to hear the same old shit.    2004-07-17 20:56:25 ET
Itís 1 a.m. I did try to go to bed at 11:45 pm but I spent more than none hour in bed trying to sleep and I couldnít. Once I start I rhythm of going to bed late and waking up late too I canít seem to break it. Damn.
Yet since 5 days ago Iíve been still thinking on the last subject of the last journal entry; I still think of it every night suffering about it.
Fuck, I donít pretend to sound desperately ridiculous but I do think of not wanting to live anymore, having that idea at least 5 or 6 times a week. I donít know why even Iím writing the same crapped tales of my life in every journal entry. I must sound really retarded always sounding so pathetically depressed all over; maybe I do need to be interned or jailed somewhere. I wish I could say something nice... but I donít know the language for such description.
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 Deep Drown.    2004-07-15 00:25:34 ET
4:24 a.m.

I canít believed how the 2 past weeks I felt some certain calm and mental rest of my usual sickened agony and constant depressions, and now this week Iíve returned, in a matter of speaking.
I feel like shit again: I canít fucking understand why the director didnít propose me for the ďnational juvenileĒ ĖItís an orchestra that is supposed to be formed by people from 15 to 28 years old, and the convocation asks each director from the many states to propose 5 of his best students/playersĖ, so he already proposed the 2 persons that went last year, plus 3 more, but from these other 3 persons 2 of them almost never show as most appreciation and dedication to music as I do. In the name if Shit. I fucking spent my ass in there bitching music school every fucking day, I never miss a single rehearsal nor a concert; Iím to his disposition to help him giving violin classes to the beginners, Iím for fuck sake a damn lab rat in there, and he proposed some other 2 persons that do miss to some rehearsals or concerts and donít show as much interest for it as I do. Well, little fellows, godfuck it.

I donít know if being really too sad or angry about this shit. I mean, if I really, really play that bad for not wanting me to be in the Ďjuvenileí thing, just fucking tell me! Perhaps Iím the very only one in the whole orchestra that literally practices every day, either in there or at home, and I fucking try to do my best, so if Iím not good at it just fucking yell it in my face instead of just being this shitty indirect of Ďnot wantingí me. Just 2 days ago, the director kind of slipped a comment about me ďperhapsĒ being scary for other for always wearing black clothes. Please go lick a window or something; what a fuck. Now does he neither want me to give classes to little kids too? Also two weeks ago apparently there was an invitation to play somewhere, which I was not told; apparently at late time they Ďonly neededí a string quartet, but yet I wasnít told of it. Yes, go lick a window.

Am I really so bitchass despicable? Agh... Iím truly going to loose my coherence, my mind will either collapse or explode one day. That they I wish I die in a fucking lonely corner were I belong.
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 draw    2004-07-10 21:52:44 ET
Eh.. itís been a calmed week. Yet, I curse myself for still procrastinating some time to sit down and practice some drawing. I can say that on past Tuesday and Friday, while I was giving some classes to some kids, one of them an 11 year old girl seem very cute to me, I couldnít resist and took out a pencil and a sheet and started to draw her while she was practicing her instrument. Sheís very cute, so... adorable, sheís not noisy or restless like the other kids. Well, I did a drawing of her and gave it to her at the end of the class, she smiled and said thanks, heheh, thatís something that really puts a smile on me... since Iím sometimes known as the cranky black-clothed guy in there.
Adorable kid, I dinít have much time to make a detailed drawing of her, because the class was of one hour and I had also to be checking her to do the lessons well; so I only draw her from the her to the arms.
Well,... by that drawing I do can say that I need to practice drawing again. Maybe spent less hours on the computer and sit back to draw something.
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 A Grief    2004-07-03 21:40:38 ET
Well, the director came back, we had a rehearsal, but heíll leave again tomorrow, so the next week will be off of rehearsals again. On bad news, I forgot to tell on the last entry is that a girl from the orchestra died last Sunday. Actually, there were 2 girls on the orchestra but one survived. The whole family (4 members: mother, father and two daughters) were on vacations and had a car accident on the road, all of them died except but one girl. Itís really tragic to lose all her family all of a sudden. Sheís about 13 or 14 years old, I donít remember, and her younger sister was about 8 years old or so. I felt weird when I knew about it; I had given classes to both of them several times and now this happening. The little one is dead, and the older was badly injured. So, tomorrow most of the integrants of the orchestra will be on a church thing to give condolences to her.

 watch the step... back or forward?    2004-07-02 22:05:33 ET
Is it just me, or did yahoo really improved all mails to 100 Mb? Heh, I donít received many emails though, in fact, lately Iíve received only a bunch of publicity and bulk mail.
Whatever, Iíll been doing again some studies on music harmony and trying to compose some simple midi files, so far Iíve like about 4 of a3 Iíve made; I wish there was some way/some place to upload them so people could hear and tell me what they think about.

This week was calmed, the director went out of the city and thus we had no rehearsals, yet I still helped giving classes, but many people also went out of vacation so I only gave a classes to a few kids of the summer course, so I can say that this week was really calmed, somehow nice; I didnít feel the pressure of always with many people and feeling so depressed or such, I just calmly studied by myself sometimes at home, sometimes at the music school; but oh well... the director returned back, and rehearsals will start again tomorrow.

Yesterday I saw on tv, on the A&E channel, a biography that really motivated me a lot, it was about Leonardo DaVinci, universal genius. He really knew how to paint, how to draw, how to observe, how to think. Iíve always had big admiration to him, but some of his works shown yesterday really motivated me a lot. I need to stop procrastinating and start drawing again, at least for the solely pleasure of visual arts.
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