a posteriori    2004-06-22 23:58:16 ET
Finally Iím back again (I was absent due to a concert we gave in another city with another orchestra), the concert sucked so much ass, I fucking do to dare to say that our director has really done so much sucked ass working with the orchestra lately. I felt like a total crap in there, way much lonely than in some other travels, how miserable shit I was there, Iím very seriously suspecting that the director is disliking me now, he doesnít speak to me the same way he used to before.

Well, as a result of this crapped weekend, yesterday, Monday, I got really fucked depressed as shit, and started having all this sick twisted ideas, am I really useful at something or someone? Do certain people around really deserve to breathe the same air? Should all they die and burn in hell or is it me how should just disappear from here and freeze the hell? I still get surprised how it is true that even in movies or tv shows or just reading journals on the internet I see that some other fucked up people get to know other fucked up people or having something subcultured in common, but I find myself every day more and more lone, there just isnít anyone here that feels, thinks likes stuff like me or be similar to me... they all are so fucking repugnant with their candy-pinkish-happy bullshit mind. There have been just a little few people Iím still doubtful to consider as true friends, about 3 or 4 in my life, were they or are they really friends or just any other random colleagues or blurry comrades?

Do I really suffer this for trying to separate different personalities? One, my behavior at school people, another with the orchestra people, and a third one, a more sincere one, writing my bullshit in this journal, always describing my negative existence, why, I canít see to really write about something nice and good on my life lately; this journal is truly something that should be burned, but I guess Iím still writing, either as a pathetic self therapy (?) or just to have an evidence, testimony of horror, a prove of how mean can a human be to itself, I donít know.

Shit, yesterday I was fucking raging more bullshit in my mind that what Iím writing right now, I could almost wrote a bitched ass poem of my pathetic misery, but fuck, I suck at using words, I spent some time sitting in the floor in the shower thinking if really any simple bug would miss me at all, or known people would just feel my absence as someone missing? Yesterday I kept thinking for a while in all this insane shit of my awareness and sick super philosophies that no one cares. Just to describe my past pain, while sitting in the floor in the shower, totally in the dark, from a thousand suffocated tears that never came out, just one slipped through my eyes, and as well as my pain, the tear did nothing but mix and drown within the other water drops that were flowing over my skin.

 certain studies...    2004-06-15 21:45:13 ET
Iíve been waking up late, but I sure like more of enjoying a few hours more admiring the night.
Finally I finished reading that book, but damn I have problems for concentrating, I had to read a few pages again because sometimes I got lost in reading.

Now Iíll have some time again to dedicate practicing some drawing and perspective studies, because I think thatís what I happen to fail the most, perspective, if I had a good perspective I could draw better, so Iíll try to be looking for aesthetic and beauty studies.

Lately I havenít been so sure that Iím doing well as a violinist, Iíve been trying to play some stuff but I can seem to play it well, damn, thereíve been times when I did feel in perfect state for playing I was playing very well, but lately Iím not feeling well, I guess Iíll as well choose some time to dedicate hours in a row of practicing.

 Take a big breath.    2004-06-10 20:55:03 ET
Now I can finally sleep late and wake up late too. Iíve been watching an educational program at midday lately, heh, some stuff I found it more interesting seeing it in tv than having it in classrooms, itís about physics and math stuff, and at 3 pm another educational documental about the functions and mysteries of the human brain, quite interesting too. Also Iím reading a book about Van Gogh that a friend recommended me, I donít know much about painterís lives, so Iíll read it.

I tried to draw again today and I felt so disillusioned that I could draw what I wanted, I donít know if do either one of 2 options; one to keep drawing the thing I want to draw several times until something ends up barely good, or to find pictures or models that I could used again to practice with it, like photos or something to try to imitate it so I could perfection want I want to drawÖ blah, Iím talking nonsense, I suck at drawing.

 breeze    2004-06-07 20:40:57 ET
Iím finally out of school, Iím not sure what am I going to do this vacations, well at least on mornings, because at afternoons Iíll still be giving violin classes and rehearsals with the orchestra, maybe Iíll finally dedicate some time to drawing and reading at mornings.
What else? Well, Iím still the same pathetic lone shit everywhere I go. I canít seem to find people with something in common with me, perhaps only one friend of school whoís into similar music tastes, but other than that I feel like unwanted in everywhere. Bah... my past nighttime philosophies are reduced to cartoons... someone shoot me.
In approximately 2 weeks weíll have some other concerts, so itís going to be tiring dealing with many people. I just wish I could dream with cloudy skies more often.

 Tired again.    2004-05-30 19:51:03 ET
I went out of the city to give another concert with the orchestra, only friday and saturday. I canít believe howís that in only a couple days out I get 65 spam mails in the bulk file on my email, damn spam to hell, why the fuck do people just randomly send bullshit mails like that?
Whatever, Iím almost out of school, maybe only this week is left and finally Iíll have some more free time to do other stuff, maybe drawing again; recently, some days ago, I sat on the desk to remember those times when I used to draw all nights Ďtill late, so I did drawing, but not as exhausted as the others, a quite simple drawing about a angel girl wondering, and aI can see that Iíve lost practice, I need to practice drawing again.

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