Useless.    2004-01-23 21:12:02 ET
Pathetic... Iím a living thesis of this subject.
Somebody kill me, I donít care. Drowning in a storm of ideas... all intellectual, all mind, art or science, everything itís my mind, they all soak me, suffocating, Iíll never be able to be more... more, accepted? Or me more flexible? I hate, or I dislike. Iím rejected or Iím put apart. Itís always the same, always, Iím alone, always, ...will always be...? not fair? Not good? My fault? I wished I were... more... or less... I donít know, I just know Iím futile, unworthy, senseless, I ...simply, shouldnít be, ...exist? Lame, woe is me, pathetic, whatever, Iíve lost the will... for so many things, whatís a will without a reason?

 In middle of nowhere,,,,    2004-01-12 22:41:34 ET
Oh, fuck, I donít know if Iím becoming more antisocial or whatÖ why I do need to go out more often, or ...uh, try to go out with schoolmates when they invite me... whatever... then only place I go our is to the music school, I spend time there from 4 pm to 9 pm (4 to 7, either giving violin lessons or studying violin method by myself; and from 7 to 9 rehearsal with the orchestra), then just go home, then sometimes use to computer or watch tv, wake up really late, again use the computer or watch tv then eat, then again go to the music school... and thatís what Iíve been doing lately... thus, one word: pathetic! Well do I even really deserve to ďhang outĒ with people? I always get bored, I feel like I was not my age, many of what they do Iím always like ďoh, how childish... blehĒ, and sometimes enjoying more what older people, do like laughing more at some old manís jokes... huh... yeah, right, like if I were really a mature person..., no one has told that Iím a responsible mature person or something, so sometimes I feel like Iím 70 years old, sometimes like a berserker beast full of wrath... hence I canít have an appropriate conduct of any kind of society, either youngsters or old people.

Well, about the violin Iíve been practicing to play some hard pieces called Danzůn No. 2 and Huapango, because weíre going to play on a very big event thing on February like the last year. Oh and I forgot about the drawing, Iíve been tired lately and not feeling like sitting to draw something. Fuck, I need another life.
1 comment

 Learning new arts and remembering forgotten arts.    2004-01-03 23:32:13 ET
I canít believe itís already the 3 am!! I remember a few moments was it was barely 1 am... mmh, time flies sometimes.

Well, in case I hadnít mentioned before (because I have bad memory and am not sure if I had said it before or not) some few months ago I started taking a course on music theory because the director said that it should be now important for all the integrants to know the bases of music, or at least to understand why weíre playing the specified notes on a certain repertoire. Well, so itís been very interesting, the course was divided basically in 3 classes: music history, theory (to know about certain figures and indications) and Harmony (to understand about chords and the function of the notes and such), this last one is the one I felt more interesting and amusing. Now Iím also browsing over the internet to learn more about it. Itís fascinating, I can now see how many people relate it in an analogical way similar to mathematics: hence why I love so much music of Bach. Iím getting too excited on all this music theory learning I am now actually thinking in when finishing my career in Engineering I will then dedicate to really compose major works. For now Iíll be starting creating or ďcomposingĒ exercises to understand more the harmony.

Also, Iíve lost practice and itís been long time since I donít sit down and dedicate to draw. I remember I let an unfinished drawing of a goth girl, so Iíll search for it and try to finish it tomorrow, or at least start again drawing sketches or something. Maybe I havenít been feeling well on drawing either because of I have lost practice I get frustrated that I canít draw well what I want to draw, or maybe Iíve just never really drawn anything good. Sometimes I wish I had the same enthusiasm for drawing that I used to have years a couple of years ago when I was more dedicated to this visual art. But itís always been my owe: wanting so much so many things that I canít handle them all effectively. Damn Iím just full of dreams, but itís always that, just dreams.

 Cold times to write some.    2003-12-28 20:26:17 ET
Well, now that I have some time to sit and write, hereís what happened:
On Saturday December 13, I went out of the city with another 6 person, integrants of the chamber orchestra, so we traveled about 16 hours to get to our destiny, we stayed there for 3 nights, in which 2 days we had concerts; it was sort of nice, yet being me the always-bored one of the group, I still had some good time on few places. Then the 7 of us, plus another 6 integrants of the orchestra of that city, we all went to another city, which was a bigger event of orchestras gathering, So another 8 hours of travel happened. But now in this second city, in the bigger event, it was greater, about 10 different orchestras gathered there to become one, so we formed a big one of like 150 musicians to play symphonic versions of simple Christmas carols and other classics like the Hallelujah, plus the Piano Concerto no. 21 in C major of W. A. Mozart.
The event was great, but what called my attention most of the time a little 8-year-old girl: The first day we got there, we were a bit late so we joined the big gathered-orchestra at the second rehearsal, then we had a break of 30 minutes, to go out to eat and relax, so I ate and went back to the rehearsal place, saw a lot of other integrant watching some people playing, so I went too to see what was going on, and I saw that the orchestra that had come from Virginia was there playing some music very well, but I guess that the major attraction was the little girl playing with them, it was so damn unbelievable!! So small and cute, playing so well the violin, she had no errors en the posture and playing without mistaking any note! I felt totally in awe just seeing her. There were of course other 8 or 9 years old in the whole place there but all of them were... just simple kids whoís music teachers had the failed idea that they were going to play well in so little time of learning to play, idiots. But this little blonde girl of 8 years old, moved her arms and produced a sound with the violin truly as evidence that she was already able to play true baroque music, she would definitely fit in a our chamber orchestra. All of my group mates said that I was exaggerating or got obsessed with her, but fuck them, I do was amused by watching her play; I heard people saying that she had about 4 or 5 years from been started playing, if itís true it means she started at 4 or 3 years old, which would totally make her a prodigious child, because believe me, Iíve have tried to give violin classes to 6 years old kids, and they just donít get a note at all. The youngest prodigious child ever was Mozart (started playing piano at 3 years old); hence the name of the orchestra she was from, it was called the Little Mozart Orchestra from Leesburg, Virginia. I didnít had the chance to talk to her, (believe I even got a bit shy to try to talk to an 8-year-old girl), but I did get to talk to another of her group mates, only to ask her the little girlís name and how old was she, so I knew that she was 8 years old, and if I recall well her name was Marie Claire or Ann Marie, or something like that. I could try to describe the whole beauty of a single image of her playing the violin.
Well, the event was mostly of Christmas carols but on symphonic arrangements. It lasted about 3 days, well actually 4, but we arrived there late, I enjoyed playing, but as usual is annoying having some mediocre kids playing all wrong near me, but just having the little girl close was enough to stand it. So, the thing was over and we came back to our city on a travel of almost 20 hours. Barely got here at 9 pm and told us got play another concert to another city the next day just 4 hours away. So we did, we went and play and came back at 1 am. Then had like a break time ...we at least needed to be free on the fuckmas, I mean, Christmas Eve.
My parents had gone to Cancun to celebrate their anniversary, and my sister went with the cousins, my brother, bored just went to bed, so whatever I spent it all alone. Then on 26 on night went again out of the city to play in another 7 hours far away, and played on 27, came back on night... I mean at 5 am of 28. Since I was too fucking tired, I slept almost all day: woke up at 2 pm, ate, look to see if there anything on the tv and went to sleep again, woke up at 8 pm, ate again, the finally my parents arrived, watched some tv, then on the computer and here I am, at 00:25 am of December 29.

 I'm back.    2003-12-24 16:57:09 ET
Finally, Iím back, had lots and lost of shit going on, played a lot on concerts, visited places and stuff, but I donít feel very likely to type it right now, but I do will write about it here, so far I canít just say that Iíve been compared to the Grinch for Iím not very excited for the Christmas thing, so what, fuck it, all the family gathered at grandparentís with cousins and stuff, it always the same, I donít feel like missing much, neither they missing me, Iíll just eat something alone in my house maybe walk in the night or watch a movie. Whatever.

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