Will be out.    2003-12-12 22:36:23 ET
Uhh... it's 2 am, I'm preparing luggage for I'm going out for 10 days. It's about the orchestra thing; some of us were invited to go to some other city to play with them some christmas carols and such, so I'll go tomor... I mean, in some hours. In some part is awful having to stand hours and hours of trip, but in other part it'll be good (?) or interesting to play within other city's orchestra.

Well, I had many many other thing in mind to rant about as usual, but I'm pretty tired. Damn it had been a busy week because of the school and stuff.

I was also going to say that, uhm, well, since some months or weeks ago I've noticied that there isn't a day I don't get depressed. It doesn't matter at what time of the day, be it morning, noon or night, I always find something that kills me enthusiasm and realize how damn fucked up I am... and not the 'I am' like how I'm doing or I've become, but the I am of I'm made of or I'm this way. I just am fucked up.
...not a single day I can't de depressed, not a single day I don't ask myself if I worth something, always the same.

 Where I've been.    2003-11-26 08:28:12 ET
Mmh... it has been way long since I didn't show up here, well, it wass because I've been busy or too damn tired and just wanted to go to sleep, and when I finally had the chance, one of my fuckin siblings was using the computer, evil bastards.
I'm on final exams, so vacations I'm almost out, and I'll be having some concerts tomorrow and probably next week. Then on 12th and 23th of december some 'christmas concerts' stuff.
Today I relized how fucking much I missed any metal, gothic-related album, I can't believe I've been more than a month without listening to any of this, I had been so damn invlolved into classical that I forgot about the other albums, and mostly because of my damaged Cd player, but fuck, I'll buy a new one the next week. The sooner the better.

 ...oh well...    2003-11-12 18:32:07 ET
Well, finally Iíll be now teaching violin and not drums. Which in some way is good, in Iíll be giving violin lessons from Monday to Saturday and thus Iíll practice more too. The bad thing that some there will be still some days in which Iíd have to take care of drums again because there isnít someone else to do it, so bleh.
In school, Iím really sure of how am I going, but from me view I guess Iím going bad, I have failed on a few exams, but I guess Iím used to be failing at everything, every-thing. So apathy is my motto.
Oh, I recently tried start drawing again, and I realized Iíve lost practice, seriously lost practice, I tried to draw some faces and failed many times, so I need to practice again at nights, yet drawing was my first passion for arts so I must rise it again.
And according to the death clock I have 1 123 288 600 seconds left to live.

 Frustrating.    2003-11-06 20:00:54 ET
Still feeling bad, in whatever viewpoint you want to see it. In School Iím a total disaster, I chose this career because I was madly in love of mathematics, I was never considered a geek, people knew I could fail on all the other subject except in math, but now I have this annoying teacher that donít see the math like I see it. And having a huge problem on concentrating when reading anything, whatever, Iím not doing well at all.
On the music thing, Iím still frustrated; Iíve been practiced a lot to be a rather good player, but the director still wants me only for giving drums lessons...? fuck, Iíll try to hold it at least this week, but if I canít stand it anymore the next week, Iíll have to tell them anything so I wonít give drums lessons, ...drums, I donít know how to play them, donít feel interested right now, I donít know a thing on them, he probably asked me to help him because he himself was also tired of that. I donít like lying but if this keeps like that Iím just going to tell him that I have other stuff or Ďhomeworkí to do. I donít know, I feel frustrated.

 So worse.    2003-11-04 19:32:55 ET
Things are not going very well. I had calculated much time ago, how often did I think of suicide, suicide thoughts, like 25 thoughts per month... about a couple years ago I had many bad feelings on life and thinking in death, then for some time I started feeling better, then going down again, entered subkulters.net and get distracted with many stuff too so started feeling better again, then randomly feeling a bit bad and the good again but not that bad as before; just then lately since, some weeks or months ago Iíve been feeling the shit again. Every single day Iím more aware that if I were more open to people more they would reject me. I many times can on empathize with older people... I know how bitching ridiculous hypocrite I sound saying this, but me, being a youth, canít fucking stand many of my age, I Ďnaturallyí laugh more when Iím with a guy whoís like 60 years old and very funny. Then I come home and in the way or anywhere I go I see lots of bullshit youngsty bastards... I know I sound a fucking bitter old hog, but I canít stop it, I canít seem to fit anywhere, anywhere at all.

I am definitely not going very well on school, Iím starting do wonder really if I chose right the career, I chose it because I adore Math and Physics, but there are this teachers who really depress me just seeing them Ďteachingí us in a so boring and antiquated way, like if it was some elementary school teacher. I damn wish so much I could just read from a book of math and then have exams every week, maybe that way Iíd find it more interesting by my self than having those retards as teachers.
Then Iím getting very distracted because Iím all day thinking in music, so many harmony elements, chords, tunes, notes, melodies and the such, but just today I felt also disappointed: since many of the integrants who were giving classes of music are by the moment gone, the director asked me to help him giving classes. For a moment I thought: ďwow, finally he thinks Iím rather good in the violin so heís asking me to help him giving violin lessons to young studentsĒ... but and I got there he told me to take care of one girl in Saxophone and other 2 in drums, what the fuck??? I play the violin, for fuck sake! Iíll try to talk to him tomorrow to see if I can do something where I have a bit more knowledge.

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