bah dunt bah dunt2002-09-26 16:24:49 ET

bah dunt da dunt dunt dunt buah da dunt baewel dell neail nail bewel del nail nail.....

I've have the pink panther theme in my head ALL DAY. I'm in a exceptionally awesome mood today. Krystal came last and we drove around, talked about how boys have PMS worse-this weekend-the peter pan doll in her car looking like AJ-my dog- my mom an dad- her mom and stepdad, smoked, looked for jobs....

Today went to school. I had THO alllllllll was freezing balls in my school. Of course I'm kinda thin-blood so, that didn't help me out much at all.From the mid terms I have recieved so far its looking pretty good...
Government-B+ (84%)
Criminal Justice= A (92%)
Earth Science= C
Communications Technology= B
and thats all I know right now..oh
Art= A+ (100%)
so parents are proud of me...thats the 1st time in along time..since I won the science fair in 8/9th grade. Oh my. Going to Hyndman this weekend, next weekend, and the weekend after next. Me and Krysole ( my nickname for her) are making our costumes, we are going to be FAERIES!!! hehe..they are gunna rock..well gotta go..have home work to do, and needa talk to my husband.....Cheers! I love you and miss you all..if you miss me too much...send me an e-mail to

Tear Rebellion..2002-09-23 13:34:58 ET

Today has just gotten worse. Felt the warm saltly tears run down my face and suicide jumping unto my depressing blue pillow. The snot just kept coming out like a river. It didn't feel any bit better until I felt the silver embrace me. The pain turned into numbness, then the calm fell upon me like a warm blankey of a 3 year old. Laying in my bed, in my temporary calm, the drying of my eyes felt of burning pieces of wood with every blink. Then as fast as the calm came, it disappeared like a stranger in the night. Then the numbness retuened. Then came the pain agian. But this time my river of tears had dried up, as if a lake in a desert during a drought. The tears rebelled agianst my emotions. I ly there in pain, no expression, no emotion, like an inmobile thing. Confused and hurt, it takes control of me, in which it refuses to let me be anything but hurt and confused.......

weekend/ today/ thoughts2002-09-22 17:58:14 ET

Krystal, AJ, and Brian came and got me at 6. We went to the mall, then to bobs, and then back to hyndman. AJ& I went to his house. Talked alot, he held me. Made out alot. Had sex 3 times. Talked alot. Smoked some cigarettes under the stars. went to bed at 2am.
Got AJ up at 9. We hung out. I got a shower. Then I went with Krystal and he went to Tonys. Me Krystal and Brian went to get our stuff to start on our faerie costumes. Still need to get more. Came back to Hyndman 6 hours later. Went to Brians. I made the wing frames. Added material to left side of my wings. Krystal and I went to AJs. Clay ,AJ me and Krystal talked. Not in good mood really didn't say much of anything. Krystal and I went to her house at 11. I was very upset, bawling, we talked. laid in bed talking until after 3 am.
Woke up at 10:45. Krystal and I ate cake for breakfast, drank some pepsi. She got a shower. I wrote AJ a note. We went to AJs, Krystal and Clay left. Me and AJ talked in his room. Made me feel better as well as him. Figured out why we can't go one weekend when I come down with out some sort of fight. Clay and Krystal came. We all hung out and talked. Krystal and I went to pick up Brian from work. Wen to his house, sewed material on wing frame. Krystal took me to her house to get my shit. Then took me to AJs. Clay took AJ to Brians them me and Clay went home to little shit ol' Mount Savage. Then I listened to a bunch of shit. And here I am...

Thoughts and Reflecting:
I am a stranger to myself. I'm not me anymore. When I look in the mirror anymore I don't reconize myself. I'm a angry bitter person, who holds all feelings in until the boiling point,releases it on the boifriend for no reason, hides feelings with fake smiles and phony laughs. Thats not me. Thats not how I'm suppose to be or who I am or was. What happened to NiCole, the one always giggly , happy, could help her self, solve her own problems as well as others, seen everything open-mindedly, supportive of others, hyper? What happened to her?
I'm so confused anymore. I don't know how to feel, react, or what to say or what to do. Everything sucks. I can't ..I dont......I...I...Idon't know what I'm suppose to do. I don't know where I went. I don't know whats wrong, when the change began, when it will end, when it will get better, how to deal with everything. I'm lost inside myself. I'm a stranger to myself. I cant find....anything........
I can't help myself. I can't solve my own problems. I don't know how, I forgot how to doall of that. I....I'm....I'm just ..lost...

......well...2002-09-17 19:15:52 ET

I'm off to bed now. I'm sleepy, gunna grab something to eat before, I haven't eaten anything since 6:45am. Welp talk to you all tomorrow...
Wet Dreams and Sweet Nightmares
my children..

1 comment

/ yadot /2002-09-17 17:09:16 ET

Today..........I did nothing. School was boring as all hell. Art was ok. People suck. My mom is gone wont be back til 4/5am. I'm home alone. My brother should be home soon. I made a cake. did some laundry and got married. Then got some dinner. Now I'm sitting here in front of the computer talking to people, and myself. in silence, all except the humming of the tower.I have to write a letter to Cyndi. I have to also right a letter to Rachael. AJS ONLINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!! *jumps with joy*
Oh my! I'm glad to see " Bomb the Hippies Oi Oi Oi " show up on my screen..yay! This makes me happy. I love my AJ.
Anyone wanna come to the handfasting in about 3/4 yrs???

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