2008-09-03 09:38:52 ET

Today I must get on my shit. Wrapping up loose ends before one skips town is a good idea yes?
I want to go to sleep only to wake up finding myself moved into my new house. A dog asleep next to me. When I wake up it will lick my face.
Speaking of dogs. Recently I was joking that maybe I should replace my relationships with a dog. Not for sex, uck. But just for affection and such. Sure I'd still have sex with humans but no more emotional complications if I get all my romance from a dog.
Think about it.
As long as you feed them and love them dogs will unconditionally love you back.
It is impossible for a dog to break up with you.
Dogs always want to do what you want to do. Unless it's going to the vet.
If a dog gets jealous you can always lock them outside until they forget about it.

Obviously, that isn't going to be how I live my life. It's easier to think about replacing men and women with a dog than to actually think through what I want. I think most people have a hard time pinning down what exactly that is. Every time I think I know for sure that i've got it nailed down. Whittled down to a list of demands almost, I change my mind.
Maybe the key question here is which is more important to you right now?
Falling in love?
Or having sex with as little complications as possible?
Can you have the latter without the prior showing its ugly head as a complication?

Sex/Love demand list-
Needs definition early on. The earlier the less likely for misconceptions and deluding oneself.
Has to be funny.
Sex has to be good. (this demand is somewhat stupid b/c it is always possible to make sex better if the person is willing to listen and talk about it)
Cannot think this will last forever, it won't.
Must be clear about feelings and boundaries. I can't deal with none of things delusional ass bull shit where the person I am fucking lives on a different planet.

thats it. monogs or non-mongs depends on the person.
I am open to falling love. I guess.
I even feel icky writing that.

2008-09-02 15:25:53 ET

I've been thinking a lot about these guys recently.
Many people seem to have problems with their dads. It's the subject of books, movies, television shows, songs and the like. What the fuck are dads anyway? Some guy, who on purpose or not, contributed his DNA to your genome. Perhaps he stuck around and had some impact on how those said genes would express themselves. Maybe he skipped town, never to
be seen again. Death rises as a possibility as the many cancers and sickness's do affect the male population. Wars, gangs, prisons seems to have large impacts on whether or not that contributor of the x or y gene helps out in the expression. Drugs of all kinds, I include alcohol in this mixed bag of depressants, amphetamines, uppers, psychedelic substances, change how the imprinting will happen. Or doesn't happen. Sometimes that imprinting has a negative affect causing the person who has that fathers DNA to become a broken, inadequate person. Lacking skills of expression. Inability to generate sufficient dopamine from years of negative imprinting.

Male parents in the human genome who leave their proverbial family merely leave a mark. An empty space. Due to socially constructed impact this too can have a negative affect on the child. Death of the contributor of sperm for gesticulation impacts the familiar unit depending on how this said male human dies. If they die from an accident, natural causes, chance then no one is to blame him. Only to have deep sadness for this passing. If said XY dies from drugs, violence, risk increasing chance then they are to be blamed. An example of what not to do. How to not fail. Don't follow that path. Just look how they turned out. Want to live like that. Do you think that's adulthood. Be careful, you are a lot like them. You walk a dangerous path. Its in your blood. The ability to fail.

The amazing thing about this is that with out a genetic test there is no way to know for sure who your father is. Most likely your bio mother knows. But it's possible she may not.
Something tells us that our lives are somehow incomplete without this contributor. This person only fundamental in gesticulation.

So what if that person develops an unhealthy dependence on you. An emotional dependence where they need constant support and ego boosting. They call you 5 times a day. Feeling the need to painfully often bring up the abuse his hands laid on you. Analyzing and projecting, ultra sensitive with an anger problem.
Are you expected to stick around?
What if they have a terrible drug problem that has caused them to stop calling you except for every couple of months when they are high as shit.
Are you expected to stick around?
What if that person beat the shit out of you called you a fag. sent you to school with blood on your face.
Are you expected to stick around?
What if that person wouldn't allow you to leave the house while in high school.
Are you expected to stick around?
what if this person went into your sisters room at nigh, when she was young, and touched them. Exactly like your dad isn't supposed to touch you.
Are you expected to stick around?
What if they told you that burning in hell awaited you if you date someone they don't like.
Are you expected to stick around?
What if they don't do anything like that but don't connect with you.
Are you expected to stick around?
What if that person leaves you as a child returning as an adult to expecting to be your father then.
Are you expected to stick around?
Somehow this unproved biological connection forces you to be with this person. Regardless of it's affect on your life. This socially constructed marriage. In which if you reject them somehow you must be an asshole. A shithead, cold, brutal, mean.

Is fatherhood unconditional?
what about childhood?

My problems with my dad are not unfixable. But now I choose to be fatherless. Or at least get some space.

a proverbial "break"

Some people lose their male parent. Some people wished they could lose them.

I just don't want to lose my mind.

note on my dad- he didn't do all of those things, those are mainly examples of friends fucked up fathers.
1 comment

points of interest
2008-08-23 12:52:20 ET

Hot Fuzz is hilarious. please everyone go watch. Also I don't know how but Simon Pegg is really hot in it.
Pineapple Express had me laughing so hard I cried. I walked into that movie having never seen a preview for it though. That might have had something to do with it.

I have several things floating around in my head.
1- two brilliant idea's for web comics.
One is based on awkward/hilarious stories of sexual and romantic mishap names Case Studies of Crush Inertia.
The other is still just an idea, somewhat less formulated.

2- I have finally accepted that I have ADHD. what that means exactly is still somewhat of a mystery to me. I know what it is and why it exists and even various treatments for it. What I mean to say is that I am not sure what that means for me.
Life is all a grand experiment I suppose.
Right now I am trying medication that is somewhat related to ridalin. I am skeptical.
I read this book that compares the traits of those with adhd to those living in a hunter gatherer society. The author went on to explain that there even seems to be a specific gene set. He argued that there is nothing really wrong with these "disordered people" That they just happen to be in a part of history where the social structure isn't set up to suit this said gene set.
As a materialist, I am inclined to believe this. However it pisses me off. I've been told most of my life that I'm stupid, lazy, wrong. I was failed, beaten, yelled at, made fun of etc because I was all those things.
I wanted it all to be wrong. I wanted to be smart. To do things right. Not be a fuck up. Go to college. Make things that mattered. Do something that would help me and help the people I care about.
It was all wrong. But all those things said to me and done to me are left to me now. To clean up after in a way. I have pieces to pick up here and there are still things to break in front of me.
This in no way means I think I should live in a forest or plain somewhere hunting with my bare hands. It just means I need to think hard and deep about what I can do. Accepting that some things will be hard for me. Knowing too that I may be better at some things that other people suck at.

3- I have an address in portland and i registered for classes. Now all I need is a job. I guess.

4- I am going to a swingers club tonight. Wish me luck...? I'm excited yet also want to laugh. I hope I don't laugh in someones face tonight.

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