|delerium of propriety|
2003-03-24 15:54:50 ET
I found a note I made to myself a while back and it said "learn to enjoy the delerium of sobriety." I need to heed this advice I made to myself.
Got nice and drunk last night with Erika and Josh and this kid Albert down in Venice beach. We drank a lot of Bacardi, then moved on to the Southern Comfort. I hardely remember anything, except that Erika slept with me and that was very nice. 'Slept' meaning sleep. Actually, 'slept' meaning comatose near-death. I love to hold a human when I dream, especially humans that I love. I think that's amongst the best things in life.
I'm trying to commit to dealing with humans as humans and not as objects. Gender is one thing, but treating someone differently because they happen to be female and beautiful is crap because you don't even know who the fuck they are. Getting these ideas and feelings of lust and what-not is pointless imagining. It's a waste of brain power. People get so excited off of appearance. Others depend upon appearance. That's as far as it goes. Nothing really happens. No real communication. I want connection to you, and if I can't connect, then that's okay. Know what I'm sayin?
Peace. I love you.
2003-03-17 08:25:33 ET
I don't know how I'm feeling. I need to work this bug that's been implanted. My friend Vanessa (who used to be my longtime girlfriend) was telling me some shit last night about what happened to her and this one pervert guy who was driving her home after going to some bullshit club last Friday and blah blah...anyways, it was hardcore shit and it really really really pissed me off. Like, I haven't felt that internal anger for a while.
Like, the whole conversation just kind of died after that 'cause I really felt incapable of talking about anything standard. It's already hard for me to maintain an equal sort of emotional balance when I talk to her, but it's worth the struggle because she's still a person who I care about. I want to be able to be a true friend and have real conversation without any emotional distress. That's not my place anymore. Now I have this thing inside me and I DON'T WANT IT.
I don't understand the male species. I don't understand how so many men are fucked up and servile and disgusting. After hearing about all sorts of wretched shit that men pull on girls, I feel so low to be a man. Every girl I know can attest to terrible experiences involving perverted self-indulgant violation from various men and it makes me angry. Why the fuck do so many men have to be so fucking indecent?
I feel like I have no sense of pride in how I'm molded or how I think. I feel ashamed just to be me without even considering who I am at heart.
I'm really bothered and I don't know how to calm my mind. I feel antagonized and challenged and very sad.
So, hopefuly a bike-ride will help. =(
|FILL OUT THIS QUESTIONAIRE!!!|
2003-03-14 18:33:25 ET
Layer One - Stats...
-- Name: Daniel Issac Miller
-- Birth date: 7-13-79
-- Birthplace: San Bernardino, CA
-- Current Location: Fullerton, CA
-- Eye Color: Brown
-- Hair Color: Dark Brown.
-- Height: 6'1", though I hunch like egor, so I'm probably like 5'6"
-- Righty or Lefty: RIGHT
-- Zodiac Sign: Cancer.
Layer Two - Describe...
-- Your heritage: Uh...European mutt, but I'm looking into specifics.
-- The shoes you wore today: Black suede Lakai
-- Your weakness: math. Break-dancing.
-- Your fears: Cholo gangbangers. Being stranded in a small town. Driving with people who don't know what the fuck they doin.
-- Your perfect pizza: Mmmm...artichoke hearts.
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: More and more friendship interaction. Tons of education. Spiritual development. Travel.
Layer Three - Tell...
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: Uh...I don't know...'Bitch?'
-- Your thoughts first waking up: Mainly its kinda like this 'in-love' feeling. I have lots of dreams involving love which are totally bitter-sweet.
-- Your best physical feature: My nose?
-- Your bedtime: 2am-ish:weekdays. Undetermined:weekends.
-- Your greatest accomplishment: Every new breath I take
-- Your most missed memory: I'm not sure. I think it's dangerous to be retrospective at this time in my life.
Layer Four - You prefer...
-- Pepsi or Coke: Coke, but only if it's got lots of Bacardi.
-- McDonald's or Burger King: Fuck 'em both. Wouldn't touch that shit with yours.
-- Single or group dates: I've never really been on a date. I wanna go on a date!
-- Adidas or Nike: I like Adidas. I used to have these fat-ass pair of Adidas that looked all RUN-DMC. I loved those shoes.
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Ewww...they both taste like shyte. I hate instant tea. I'd rather drink someones phlegm.
-- Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: triple-shot espresso.
Layer Five - Do you...?
--smoke: Errr...well, yeah. I smoke weed. Errr...I'm in infinite war with cigerettes.
-- Cuss: I think so.
-- Sing well: I'm not sure, but I love singing! I love to bust the James Brown action at kareoki.
-- Take a shower everyday: Almost
-- Have a crush(es): Errr...my answer is tentative.
-- Do you think you've been in love: Definately.
-- Want to go to college: Already is, but get a degree? What you think? 'Course.
-- Like high school: Fuck no, though there were some very precious occasions. Precious girls.
-- Want to get married: Fuck no. I'm getting the homo-style "Domestic Partnership" if anything. Ain't no priest having any involvment in my life, and that's my word.
-- Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: 60+wpm
-- Believe in yourself: I'm dealing with philosphy.
-- Get motion sickness: No.
-- Think you're attractive: I don't have a problem with how I look.
-- Think you're a health freak: No, but I wanna get back. It's all about enzyme-supplements on your raw veggies.
-- Get along with your parents: Yeah. I'm like a mommas-boy. Me and my dad have had a lot of ruff times, but we're getting better. My dad's a hardcore thinker and he's very assertive, plus he has no patience, so this would sometimes escalate to certain degrees of hostility. That's why I don't live with parents. I like to be on my own. I love my parents.
-- Like thunderstorms: YES! So much!
-- Play an instrument: Yeah. I play the skin flute like Kenny G.
Layer Six - In the past, did/have you...
-- Drank alcohol: I'm drinking a beer as I write this
-- Smoke(d): Yes.
-- Done a drug: Yes. Wanna run-down? K...weed, cigs, exstacy, alcohol, LSD, mushrooms, meth, coke, opium, PCP, inhaling fumes, lots of pharmacuticals, anything else is unnecesary. I kinda wish I didn't start drugs at the age I did, but I don't regret the LSD usage.
-- Have Sex: yes. I like sex a lot.
-- Made Out: I guess. I don't know...that's like the "date" question.
-- Go on a date: WHOA!
-- Go to the mall?: I used to hold down two jobs at the mall. I love working at the mall. It's a great place to seriously analyze bitch-asses. I don't think it's cool to analyze people without knowing them personally (and even then it's not right), but the mall is a different thing altogether. People are so fucking wierd sometimes. I miss selling fashion apparel. I miss giving a fuck about what I wear.
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: yes.
-- Eaten sushi: Yeah. I'm trying to like it.
-- Been on stage: Yes.
-- Been dumped: I think so.
-- Gone skating: Like, skateboarding? Hell yeah, but not lately, which is bullshit.
-- Made homemade cookies: Yeah.
-- Gone skinny dipping: HELL YEAH! One time, I went skinny dippng in Las Vegas with my girl at the time and my good friend and this one fucked-up tweeker that was like 40-years-old! It was so beautiful. It was like 6:00am in the morning and we were all drunk at my friend's apartment. I don't know how it happened, but it was great!
-- Dyed your hair: Yes
-- Stolen anything: Lots. I've been arrested too!
Layer Seven - Have you ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Si.
-- If so, was it mixed company: Si.
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: All too often.
-- Been caught "doing something": Yeah. One time, I was humping and her mom came home, so I hid in the closet, then her mom found me and I had no clothes on! OH NO!!! Not good. I was young.
-- Been called a tease: No. that's stupid.
-- Gotten beaten up: No. That's stupid.
-- Shoplifted: Still do, but now I jack food.
-- Changed who you were to fit in: Nope, wait, no, that's a lie...for work, yes.
Layer Eight - The future...
-- Age you hope to be married: When I'm old as fuck to some young fine-ass latina girl.
-- Numbers and Names of Children: Err...the world is over-fucking-populated! I want to adopt. But I do like the name Natasha. Gives me this cool, stylish, bitchy feeling. Or Chloe.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: Uh...if I did get married, it'd definately be on a beach somewhere other than the Americas.
-- How do you want to die: 3 tons of flesh burning acid poured on my naked ass.
-- Where you want to go to college: Hmmm...somewhere in Cali. Must think of that question for real.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: Not sure. I want to help people and I have a strong interest in social sciences. I also have a strong interest in art. So, I'm kinda in a mid-point
-- What country would you most like to visit: Norway and/or Holland, or my boy in Germany.
Layer Nine - Opposite sex (or the same?)
-- Best eye color? Brown, for the most part.
-- Best hair color? Dark. Asian.
-- Short or long hair?: Stylish.
-- Best height: Doesn't matter too much.
-- Best weight: I like soft girls. I love to cuddle with soft girls. I don't prefer skinny-ass girls. I love curves.
-- Best articles of clothing: With girls? Hmmm...I can't even begin. Girls blow my mind to shit. I love girls so much!
-- Best first date location: Yo, I've never been on a date damn it! !
-- Best first kiss location: How can you have more than one "first" kiss location?
Layer Ten - Number of...
-- Number of girls I have kissed in my life: Probably about 11 girls.
-- Number of girls I have made out with: Uh...isn't that the same question? Are you talking 'kiss' like I kiss my mom? EWWW!!! FUCK YOU!!!
-- Number of girlfriends I've had: Two girlfriens.
-- Number of boys I have kissed: 4 boys.
-- Number of boys I have made out with: i'm not gonna repeat myself.
-- Number of boyfriends I've had: None. I don't wanna date a boy.
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: LOTS.
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: Right now...about 4.
-- Number of CDs that I own: Tons.
-- Number of piercings: none.
-- Number of tattoos: one.
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: I think twice.
-- Number of scars on my body: Many
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: Many
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