rubato morendo    2004-12-14 21:38:36 ET
I feel so damn shitty right now...

Today after the rehearsal, I... uhm, ...thereís this girl, but also one guy who justÖ uhm, well... I donít know why I thought for a moment that I could... ahh, shit, forget it... what am I saying... senseless... Iím seems Iíll keep wandering alone forever.

As I said previously I told myself I was going to start drawing again, so I did. Finally I took the pen and a blank sheet and started drawing like I used to. I sort of finished today and wanted to show it here, but the bitchass motherfucker Scanner piece of shit isnít working well. It does scan, but it scans it in pink color. What the fuck? Like if it was something of the colors configuration or something, but no, everything seems normal, I kept scanning and it all shows it in a red-ish pink color, fuck!! Iíll try to go to a computer place or somewhere else to scan it.

Today it was colder, and my room is the coldest in the house. So, I was just about to take a bath, when I noticed I donít have anymore clean underwear, so Iím doing fucking laundry at 1 am, it should be out in a while. Maybe I should get 365 changes for the rest of the year, hah.

Well, itís a fact -again- that Iíll be spending Christmas eve alone. My parents will leave for a week on next Sunday, I didnít want to go with them because I donít enjoy being in family trips or family reunions; yet itís not completely me desire to spend the night alone... just not with my family. I wish there were someone else, but who? Well, fuck it... what am I going to do? Maybe eat pizza, walk by the streets, by on internet, listen music, hit my head to a wall, draw something, watch the tv or a movie, whatever, Iím useless to anyone.

 me-ouch    2004-12-11 20:58:37 ET
Today my cat died. I canít believe how much I do miss him; he was so cute. His name was Stalfos. I donít know how to feel, I think it was the very first time I actually was liking having a pet. I miss his meows and watching slacking in he sofa, he already had his spot to sleep. Damn, just for some moments I started feeling like a little kid who asks his parents Ďwhy do people dieí. All I can say is that I miss my cat. I'll hear some music in his memory.

In other sides: Iím sick. I think I think I caught a cold or something; again my nose is constantly constipated and it fucking sucks as hell not breathing well. Damn sinus. Even my head aches sometimes. Whatever, damn human body. I also need to stop procrastinating, I said I was going to start drawing again, so I must do something tomorrow.

 early    2004-12-09 15:39:51 ET
Today there wasnít rehearsal. So I feel strange updating here at 7:40 pm (I normally update between midnight). So I really donít know what to say.
Yesterday I... mmh.. started feeling decayed again. Itís just that, uhm, well, I wish something were... I donít know, like I said on many entries before, I doesnít matter what I try I always end up feeling alone, in deed I donít think I have any real close friend I could talk seriously, or someone I could hug or... uhm, and such things. I think Iím got sick again, Damn, I need some Kleenex.

At least Iím out of school now. I guess Iíll finally have time to organize some stuff here, and most of all, Iíll have some time to draw again. Damn, itís been long since I donít actually take a blank sheet and a pen and draw something. The problem is I donít know where since now the desk is being occupied by the computer. Iíll see.

 weird dream    2004-12-05 20:10:35 ET
Well, I still have another exam tomorrow for the same subject, but I have no hopes for it anymore, blah.
This weekend were no rehearsal, even though I practiced in my room Friday and Saturday, the strange thing is that these two days I practiced like hell, for 2 hours in a row barely stopping just to change the sheet music, and today Sunday I didnít even touch the violin. But those days like I said I was playing and playing really hard my hands did get tired a lot, specially yesterday, Saturday, I practiced like hell, when I decided stopping I could feel my heartbeat over my left hand, like pumping all to my hand, I felt like it was going to explode, my fingers were hurting in deed; bah, whatever.

Today I took a nap and woke up from a weird dream. I can remember part of it because this was some really insane dream, it got me really deeply into my way of thinking. I donít know how to express it but it got me, again, these ultra complicated philosophies about existence I used to have time ago; this sort of thoughts Iíve only had a few times in the past when Iím insanely depressed and feeling really miserable and such, I mean, the few times Iíve been really next to the edge of losing my mind; thatís why I wonder why I had this sort of dream now. It was somehow complicated to tell, in my dream I was also deeply decaying for life and such, and I was desperate looking for something to heal my anguish, but everything I did just made me decay even more; whatever, the stunning of this dream was that I happened to meet some really young girl that seemed having the same problems like me, as if somehow she was depressed by the very exact things I was, and that she could understand me at everything I said, and yet she even looked more sad and neither was giving much hope for life, which made me feel sad about it, asking myself how the heck was it that such little creature was also feeling the same pain as me at a young age. I canít seem to remember her perfectly, she seemed younger than 9 years old and sometimes I remember her as a blonde and sometimes like if she really was brunette, I donít know, it was really strange, it was more of the idea of a young girl making me wonder even worse about really weird thoughts. It was one of those few dreams I did felt I was a fucked up reality. Even when I woke up my eyes were rolling everywhere just to make me sure I was awake. Then my mind calmed down a bit and the tragic complex thoughts of anguish philosophies went off. Itís strange, I hadnít felt like that for months.

 where's the sake...    2004-12-03 21:52:16 ET
So, in the shit name of crap, I did have an exam today, and yes, me cargo la chingada, Iím fucked up. I just... uhm, shit, fuck, itís my fault, I shouldnít have chosen that stupid cockoff piece of shit called Ďprofessorí in the first place... ahh, bitchass sake, it just got me pissed of in the morning because of that fuckoff issue, I damn knew it, blah, whatever, if I do flunk I aware of it know, Iíll retake it next semester, thereís nothing more to think about it than just accept it.
At least I guess Iím doing a bit better playing billiard now; I really suck at it, but Iím starting to play better now; itíd be nice to take it as another vice-hobby... heh, Mozartís hobby.

What else to say? Well, one day I spent 2 hours and 17 minutes listening Mozartís symphonies 25, 35, 36, 39, 40 and 41. Another day spent one hour of Bach. Weird, I guess no one will understand how sometimes Iím in the mood for that and others Iím listening metal. For which the recent albums Iíve downloaded are from Dark Lunacy Ė Devoid, and from My Dying Bride Ė Dreadful Hours. Both really, really good, specially the second one, such a dramatic dense atmosphere. Also trying something of Switchblade Symphony Ė Serpentine Gallery, I found interesting some tracks.

Ah well, like always, itís midnight, and I need to sleep, damn it. I wish I could sleep and sleep without having remorse at waking up for doing something else... I want to rest in peace.

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