| rubato morendo 2004-12-14 21:38:36 ET |
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I feel so damn shitty right now...
Today after the rehearsal, I... uhm, ...there’s this girl, but also one guy who just… uhm, well... I don’t know why I thought for a moment that I could... ahh, shit, forget it... what am I saying... senseless... I’m pathetic...it seems I’ll keep wandering alone forever.
As I said previously I told myself I was going to start drawing again, so I did. Finally I took the pen and a blank sheet and started drawing like I used to. I sort of finished today and wanted to show it here, but the bitchass motherfucker Scanner piece of shit isn’t working well. It does scan, but it scans it in pink color. What the fuck? Like if it was something of the colors configuration or something, but no, everything seems normal, I kept scanning and it all shows it in a red-ish pink color, fuck!! I’ll try to go to a computer place or somewhere else to scan it.
Today it was colder, and my room is the coldest in the house. So, I was just about to take a bath, when I noticed I don’t have anymore clean underwear, so I’m doing fucking laundry at 1 am, it should be out in a while. Maybe I should get 365 changes for the rest of the year, hah.
Well, it’s a fact -again- that I’ll be spending Christmas eve alone. My parents will leave for a week on next Sunday, I didn’t want to go with them because I don’t enjoy being in family trips or family reunions; yet it’s not completely me desire to spend the night alone... just not with my family. I wish there were someone else, but who? Well, fuck it... what am I going to do? Maybe eat pizza, walk by the streets, by on internet, listen music, hit my head to a wall, draw something, watch the tv or a movie, whatever, I’m useless to anyone.
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| me-ouch 2004-12-11 20:58:37 ET |
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Today my cat died. I can’t believe how much I do miss him; he was so cute. His name was Stalfos. I don’t know how to feel, I think it was the very first time I actually was liking having a pet. I miss his meows and watching slacking in he sofa, he already had his spot to sleep. Damn, just for some moments I started feeling like a little kid who asks his parents ‘why do people die’. All I can say is that I miss my cat. I'll hear some music in his memory.
In other sides: I’m sick. I think I think I caught a cold or something; again my nose is constantly constipated and it fucking sucks as hell not breathing well. Damn sinus. Even my head aches sometimes. Whatever, damn human body. I also need to stop procrastinating, I said I was going to start drawing again, so I must do something tomorrow.
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| early 2004-12-09 15:39:51 ET |
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Today there wasn’t rehearsal. So I feel strange updating here at 7:40 pm (I normally update between midnight). So I really don’t know what to say.
Yesterday I... mmh.. started feeling decayed again. It’s just that, uhm, well, I wish something were... I don’t know, like I said on many entries before, I doesn’t matter what I try I always end up feeling alone, in deed I don’t think I have any real close friend I could talk seriously, or someone I could hug or... uhm, and such things. I think I’m got sick again, Damn, I need some Kleenex.
At least I’m out of school now. I guess I’ll finally have time to organize some stuff here, and most of all, I’ll have some time to draw again. Damn, it’s been long since I don’t actually take a blank sheet and a pen and draw something. The problem is I don’t know where since now the desk is being occupied by the computer. I’ll see.
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| weird dream 2004-12-05 20:10:35 ET |
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Well, I still have another exam tomorrow for the same subject, but I have no hopes for it anymore, blah.
This weekend were no rehearsal, even though I practiced in my room Friday and Saturday, the strange thing is that these two days I practiced like hell, for 2 hours in a row barely stopping just to change the sheet music, and today Sunday I didn’t even touch the violin. But those days like I said I was playing and playing really hard my hands did get tired a lot, specially yesterday, Saturday, I practiced like hell, when I decided stopping I could feel my heartbeat over my left hand, like pumping all to my hand, I felt like it was going to explode, my fingers were hurting in deed; bah, whatever.
Today I took a nap and woke up from a weird dream. I can remember part of it because this was some really insane dream, it got me really deeply into my way of thinking. I don’t know how to express it but it got me, again, these ultra complicated philosophies about existence I used to have time ago; this sort of thoughts I’ve only had a few times in the past when I’m insanely depressed and feeling really miserable and such, I mean, the few times I’ve been really next to the edge of losing my mind; that’s why I wonder why I had this sort of dream now. It was somehow complicated to tell, in my dream I was also deeply decaying for life and such, and I was desperate looking for something to heal my anguish, but everything I did just made me decay even more; whatever, the stunning of this dream was that I happened to meet some really young girl that seemed having the same problems like me, as if somehow she was depressed by the very exact things I was, and that she could understand me at everything I said, and yet she even looked more sad and neither was giving much hope for life, which made me feel sad about it, asking myself how the heck was it that such little creature was also feeling the same pain as me at a young age. I can’t seem to remember her perfectly, she seemed younger than 9 years old and sometimes I remember her as a blonde and sometimes like if she really was brunette, I don’t know, it was really strange, it was more of the idea of a young girl making me wonder even worse about really weird thoughts. It was one of those few dreams I did felt I was a fucked up reality. Even when I woke up my eyes were rolling everywhere just to make me sure I was awake. Then my mind calmed down a bit and the tragic complex thoughts of anguish philosophies went off. It’s strange, I hadn’t felt like that for months.
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| where's the sake... 2004-12-03 21:52:16 ET |
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So, in the shit name of crap, I did have an exam today, and yes, me cargo la chingada, I’m fucked up. I just... uhm, shit, fuck, it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have chosen that stupid cockoff piece of shit called ‘professor’ in the first place... ahh, bitchass sake, it just got me pissed of in the morning because of that fuckoff issue, I damn knew it, blah, whatever, if I do flunk I aware of it know, I’ll retake it next semester, there’s nothing more to think about it than just accept it.
At least I guess I’m doing a bit better playing billiard now; I really suck at it, but I’m starting to play better now; it’d be nice to take it as another vice-hobby... heh, Mozart’s hobby.
What else to say? Well, one day I spent 2 hours and 17 minutes listening Mozart’s symphonies 25, 35, 36, 39, 40 and 41. Another day spent one hour of Bach. Weird, I guess no one will understand how sometimes I’m in the mood for that and others I’m listening metal. For which the recent albums I’ve downloaded are from Dark Lunacy – Devoid, and from My Dying Bride – Dreadful Hours. Both really, really good, specially the second one, such a dramatic dense atmosphere. Also trying something of Switchblade Symphony – Serpentine Gallery, I found interesting some tracks.
Ah well, like always, it’s midnight, and I need to sleep, damn it. I wish I could sleep and sleep without having remorse at waking up for doing something else... I want to rest in peace.
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