My toothbrush is purple.    2004-11-13 20:23:23 ET
Since a few days I was having a few problems with the computer; fucking spyware. I had the problem that every time I opened the internet explorer some popup advertising appeared, and is always the same old shit (casinos, adult sites, shopping sites, smiley central). So today I decided to try many different forms to remove them. First I tried unchecking the weird programs shown in the msconfig tool, but still didnít work enough. Then by typing ctrl+alt+del observed which programs were running and ended up the Ďbadí ones. With that I knew the names of the presumed bad programs. It happened being one file that always changed it name, located in c:\windows\temp as a .dat file, but it doesnít matter how many times I deleted I kept appearing with different names (random letters). I finally got angry and decided browsing the web for anti-spyware software and reading articles. I decided downloading one called NoAdware, since it was just a trial version it scanned my computer and found 7 Ďpestsí but it didnít deleted them you had to pay cradit card and such for the complete version of the program, anyways, that helped me letting me know the location of the damn spyware files, some were just there in the system file, but others I had to delete lines from the Registry Editor (regedit), and such: I rebooted the computer, but when opening the internet explorer some ads were still popping up (the changing-name file was still appearing); I was mad. So I decided for looking to another anti-spyware program, a more popular or efficient one, this one called XoftSpy. It was also a trial version, it scanned the computer and found 10 more files that the other program didnít find; so I was there quite a while looking the locations and string lines of registry to delete them. I got exhausted of it, apparently I deleted/removed all the bad stuff, but I was kind of tired to keep doing this shit with the computer.

So I leaved because we had a concert at night with a guest clarinetist and guitarist. It went quite well, then got back home, and the usual loneliness feeling took over me again. So I decided to listen some music and update the journal. To my surprise I realized while using the internet that it did work deleting the infectious advertising files man manually by myself, I finally got rid of fucking adware. Now I just wish someone could hug me. I'm off to go to sleep.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
FUCK!! Just a while later after writing this, I kept navigating and the mutherfucker ads kept showing. So much work for nothing; the same changing-name.dat file keeps appearing. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it!!!

 today friday...    2004-11-12 19:02:40 ET
6:20 I woke up. 6:30 got out of bed. 6:37 went to school.
7:00 had a test. 7:50 finished the test. 7:55 had results, I passed with 90. It made me feel good.
8:00 had a free hour; took breakfast played cards with some people.
9:00 went to another class, almost didnít put attention (I donít like how the teacher explains things).
10:30 classed finished, went to another classroom to try study for the next test.
11:00 had the test. 11:45 finished it. 11:55 had results, I flunked, got me sad.
12:10 so I decided to join a bunch of schoolmates because it was someoneís birthday.
12:30 we all went to his house. 12:45 sit in the garage, played cards while others were buying the food (Ďdiscadaí tacos) and beers.
13:10 the food arrived, they forgot the drinks. 13:15 me and another guy went for more chairs.
13:30 got back. 13:50 the food arrived, started cooking. Played cards again.
14:10 the beer arrived. 14:20 the food was ready.
14:50 I ate 3 tacos. 15:10 decided to join drinking beer. 15:00 Drank, chatted, played cards, drank, played more cards.
17:00 got off, went home. 17:15 immediately went to the music school.
18:00 had sectional rehearsal (still a bit dizzy from buzz).
18:30 dizziness was gone.
19:00 had tutti rehearsal.
20:35 rehearsal ended. 20:40 walked a few blocks to take the bus; 20:55 took the bus.
21:10 keep thinking about my day in the bus like everyday. I didnít feel quite depressed at that hour like almost everyday.
21:25 got back home. 21:30 had some cereal. 21:40 watched some tv.
22:10 started feeling depressed now.
22:15 turned the tv off, turned the computer on. Listened some music.
22:30 went to bathroom.
22:40 started typing. Keep listening music.
23:00... is right now.

 like wanting to enter inside the mirror    2004-11-10 18:43:42 ET
Damn, Iím still without resting enough, I donít know why, I try to go to bed and sleep well but the next morning, when Iím a classes Iím dying of sleep, I feel like just throwing myself to the floor and rest there.

Fuck, I daydream more than I live in real life. Part of my depressions are probably due the fact that I feel so defeated trying to have a social life that for long time Iíve invented a lot of fictional characters and imaginary friends. Shit, I donít know even why Iím mentioning this, I sound so pathetic, but oh well, hereís like another of my double life. Iíve written here in things that Iíd never share to people I know I real life, so maybe the few people that have once read me know some more personal stuff that Iíd talk with anyone I know in real life.
Maybe Iím divagating, what I was about to say is that I feel bad that I really canít seem to fit in group of people, really, I always find myself so different from them, or at least the people Iíve met, for example from the people at the orchestra I never seem to agree at most of the stuff they say, if they all find funny something I find it stupid, if I find something interesting they find it boring or bad.; from the guys at school, sometimes when talking they all seem to be really social persons going to clubs and having lots of couples and such, and that sort of intimidates me cuz I never know what to say about. Holly shit, really, I have more of another fictional second life in my head like I said, with invented characters in situations... I could almost write story... mmh, maybe a graphic novel, ...crap, Iím starting to sound pathetic again, I better go to bed now.

 D minor. Con fermezza, sostenuto, vivace.    2004-11-05 20:30:11 ET
The friend I talked about before is back, but he canít eat spicy food or smoke too much because of the surgery. Today I finally went to play billiard with some colleagues from school. We had about a month without going, yet Iím not very good playing it, I wish I could play more. I only drink 2 beers, Iím not a very good drinker, but at least it distracted me bit.
About a month ago a new girl entered the orchestra; I kind of had been feeling interested, sheís pretty, but knowing my bad luck (or maybe psychosomatic shyness problem) Iím just going to end really pathetic, besides, maybe she already seems interested in someone else, sheís just being polite with me... oh, I donít know why am I saying this, I never end up very well (references found on past journal entries). A tear is not enough to describe the anguish of making me wonder the same questions... all those people out there with their social life and I canít even tell what it feels like a hug that lasts more than 5 seconds.

The bathroom is cold, I hate that. My cat has a lot of scars lately, it seems like if he has been fighting or something, it feels weird when trying to cuddle and he has scars all over. Mhh..., nice taste of caffeine. Iíll just finish listening Khachaturianís concerto and will go to bed.

 Pezzo Capriccioso    2004-11-02 19:14:53 ET
Sorry for not updating again in a while. The whole weekend got internet problems again, but it seems theyíre all solved now, finally the LAN and the Internet work fine at the same time. The audio problem is fine now too, so as for it goes with the computer Iím quite content finally.

Well, what to say, if someone ever wants to find me depressed Iím very available within 7:30pm and 9:00pm, yesterday got me some killing thoughts about my pathetic life, isolated mind, I always end up becoming aware of how alone I feel, and of how Iím so bad at being social, Itís always sad the Iíve never been like a best friend for someone but I do have considered some for me. Like from the very few persons Iíve known, just a few ones I saw them as close friends but they didnít see me as their close friend, Iím just another of their many friends; itís like itís always me who gets interested in people but no one interests on me. Ugh... maybe Iím starting to sound corny and desperate, but thatís nothing but the same thoughts I have at night when coming back home from the rehearsal, itís always the same. I know maybe I could bare with it if I were even colder and indifferent person, like an hermit... but I canít help it, I feel alone. I wish I could talk or confide with someone with same interests to me. Maybe Iím just not made to live, Iím just fulfilling a tiny piece of matter in the universe, perhaps thatís my only purpose here. Whatever, one day Iíll truly go insane...

Today the temperature went down drastically from yesterday. Today really I had to put a sweater on, yesterday was as usual quite warm, but today was way colder, it seems the cold winds have finally arrived.

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