Andante    2004-12-01 19:14:01 ET
Well, for strange that it seems, this I havenít feel that depressed since Sunday. Now that I think of it, Sundays is the day when I donít feel that bad like other days, maybe because I donít do much; and since then Iíve felt more relaxed, Iím not saying Iím all happy and shit now... I just donít feel like the last week, because I still must say that the last 2 weeks I felt really damn decayed. I guess I passed from the paranoiac depressed to the usual apathetic dreamer guy.

<geek>I canít help but commenting that on Monday or Tuesday I spent about one hour just looking at some fan sites of the tv show Iíve been watching lately. The Worst Witch. I donít know of someone here has ever seen it, but I personally find it extremely cute. I love the characters, and the innocent and amusing plots. So I was looking the internet for more information about it; I know it didnít get to be a big hit, but I enjoyed theyíre 4 short seasons. I canít help it, I find it very cute watching that show. From memorable quotes, to adorable clothing, it has been from the very little things that may put a smile in me lately.</geek>

Well, Iím out of classes, just still some exams to on Friday, next Monday and Wednesday, in which Iím not feeling very well about. Iím starting to prepare myself psychologically about flunking. I just hope I can have more time this vacations to draw something like I used to before. A few days ago I tried drawing random figures and realized that Iíve lost a lot of practice; damn, I need to practice drawing again. I just wish I could always be this motivated as I am now with music. Blah... Iím such an artist wanna-be.

 Cm-Fm-Bį-Cm-G-Cm    2004-11-27 20:41:48 ET
I guess itís nothing new that Iím always updating this thing only at midnight, for it seems itís the moment Iím more calmed and have nothing else to do.

So, as I have been mention the past entries, all this past week Iíve been feeling like total crap, that is really decayed, on Friday even some schoolmates told I looked different, that I was being very quiet, in deed that day I felt not wanting to talk much... apathy at it best. Sometimes itís also because Iím aware Iím a really boring person, I never have topics to talk about with anyone... constantly changing thoughts for one moment to another, like:
ďIím not sure if I had to calculate alternate current or direct current, was it the same line voltage for a delta or for a star? Why is it said that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, when some Buddhists believe the key for a long life is not taking breakfast? On depressed days I only eat twice a day, some others I eat too much. I wonder who or when does the Neapolitan Sixths chords started using, Iíve seen them used by Brahms and Chopin and from there on. Why am I always so alone, Iíve been the one who ends up considering interesting some people, but Iím either boring or freaky for the others. Maybe I wasnít supposed to use the same voltage formulas for the by-pass capacitor as for the amplifier extension. Theyíre showing up again reruns from the first series and I already missed one episode, damn, I wish the series didnít end like that, even I could write more plots. Iíve never drunk more than 6 beers and Iím not sure if I want to find out how drunk can I get. I keep having some problem to control the bow when performing forte at fast notes or stacatto. I wonder how would people miss me if I died, maybe they would care much, I guess Iím not special for anyone, Iím just part of something else anywhere, just a tiny futile piece, not very important. What would happen it that tree was hit by a lightening? Where are my gloves? Iím feeling sort of cold on my hands; my room is always the coldest one. I wish I could sleep one day peacefully without waking up concerning on having to something.Ē

Thatís about my random thoughts over and over, hence why Iím never have something to talk about with anyone, I know theyíd find boring, hence Iím quiet. Yeah, maybe I wouldnít do a big missing for anyone, I guess Iíll just keep breathing this oxygen for the moment.

 sighs    2004-11-23 21:07:33 ET
Well, Iím feeling better now on the breathing problem. I hope I keep getting better, it sucks not being able to breathe freely.
Still yesterday and today morning I was feeling quite depressed, then I got distracted by stuff and my mood changed to a bit more of a daydreamer, not in a happy dreamer guy, just like sighing fantasies. I guess I should try to draw a time-killer-hobby comic book again, like I did 5 years ago, maybe a graphic novel. But itís been long since go sit and draw something seriously. Bah... I donít know.

This Thursday, Oct 25, weíre having this Ďvery importantí concert thing in a fancy theatre. In the symphonic orchestra (easy level) Iíll be the Concertino again, I suppose, and at the string chamber orch. (harder level) Iím Violin II like always; and then a guest orchestra will join and I guess Iíll be assistant of their Concertino. Whatever. I canít say I feel really excited about it, not because of my constant apathy, I still donít feel very enthusiast about the symphonic orch., either for the repertoire or the people on it.
Talking about music, I know enough of harmony that the director told me to write a simple arrangement of something for the orchestra and maybe weíll play it one day. I chose and small piece of Schumann just to practice; I finished it, Iíll show it to him later. I was also thinking of doing an arrangement of Piazzolaís Libertango too, itís kind of an amusing piece.

School is almost over, just a few more painful exams and works. Shit, Iím afraid Iím going to flunk some subjects. Damn professor, knows shit of nothing. I just want to finish it all and go to sleep. ...sleep... ironically, sometimes I feel that the best part of my life is only when Iím asleep.

 Woe.    2004-11-20 22:16:22 ET
Why should I be wasting air when someone else may breathe it? I always end up in the conclusion that really maybe no one will miss something of me... shit, Iím just saying that right now Iím feeling fucked up depressed as hell.
I was already very depressed yesterday and agreed to join a friend to a party thing, I went just for doing him the favor since he invited me and because heís probably the only person I could call friend, that I have talked more seriously; yeh, maybe heís my only friend at the moment. Obviously I did not had a good time at all, so I barely could concentrate me on trying to get drunk. I reached 6 beers and that was it for me. I went walking home at midnight say 30 or 40 blocks, I donít know. Then today the internet wasnít working well, but it is fixed now.

Oh, another problem thatís been shitting me lately is that Iím having breathing problems again. I few months I commented on this, and now itís happening again. I feel like either my lungs are too small or my nose too blocked or something. Itís a fucking pain. There are certain positions when Iím sit that I feel Iím suffocating and I have to stretch in many ways until I can firmly breathe well; and my nose, also feels so constipated. After somewhile I really hate breathing through my mouth.

Some one please throw me to the mud and walk over me.

 clouds    2004-11-15 20:48:54 ET
Today, when I was in the bus heading the daily rehearsal some weird guy suddenly threw me a lighted cigarette and ran off. What-the-fuck? He mustíve been really doped or something, he had dirty clothes and seemed like drug addict or drunk, I mean, who just light up a cigarette and throws it to someone and runs off? It didnít burn me, it just fell off and it put out.

Today all day was cloudy, really cloudy, when all you see in the sky are tones of gray, ah, lovely weather. At night it started doing some wind but not hard, yet it did show some lightening within the clouds, I got to see one lightening just before entering home, it was beautiful, I lasted about a complete second, it was nice. Then it started to rain a bit, but not much, nothing stormy.

Other than that, Iím not feeling well about some subjects at school, and keep feeling lonely after the rehearsal at night; even when today I walked a girl a few blocks, Iím sure my shyness will ruin me for ever... agh... I wish I could always dream and dream, solely living in dreams... waking up always saddens me.

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