| Andante 2004-12-01 19:14:01 ET |
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Well, for strange that it seems, this I haven’t feel that depressed since Sunday. Now that I think of it, Sundays is the day when I don’t feel that bad like other days, maybe because I don’t do much; and since then I’ve felt more relaxed, I’m not saying I’m all happy and shit now... I just don’t feel like the last week, because I still must say that the last 2 weeks I felt really damn decayed. I guess I passed from the paranoiac depressed to the usual apathetic dreamer guy.
<geek>I can’t help but commenting that on Monday or Tuesday I spent about one hour just looking at some fan sites of the tv show I’ve been watching lately. The Worst Witch. I don’t know of someone here has ever seen it, but I personally find it extremely cute. I love the characters, and the innocent and amusing plots. So I was looking the internet for more information about it; I know it didn’t get to be a big hit, but I enjoyed they’re 4 short seasons. I can’t help it, I find it very cute watching that show. From memorable quotes, to adorable clothing, it has been from the very little things that may put a smile in me lately.</geek>
Well, I’m out of classes, just still some exams to on Friday, next Monday and Wednesday, in which I’m not feeling very well about. I’m starting to prepare myself psychologically about flunking. I just hope I can have more time this vacations to draw something like I used to before. A few days ago I tried drawing random figures and realized that I’ve lost a lot of practice; damn, I need to practice drawing again. I just wish I could always be this motivated as I am now with music. Blah... I’m such an artist wanna-be.
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| Cm-Fm-B°-Cm-G-Cm 2004-11-27 20:41:48 ET |
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I guess it’s nothing new that I’m always updating this thing only at midnight, for it seems it’s the moment I’m more calmed and have nothing else to do.
So, as I have been mention the past entries, all this past week I’ve been feeling like total crap, that is really decayed, on Friday even some schoolmates told I looked different, that I was being very quiet, in deed that day I felt not wanting to talk much... apathy at it best. Sometimes it’s also because I’m aware I’m a really boring person, I never have topics to talk about with anyone... constantly changing thoughts for one moment to another, like:
“I’m not sure if I had to calculate alternate current or direct current, was it the same line voltage for a delta or for a star? Why is it said that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, when some Buddhists believe the key for a long life is not taking breakfast? On depressed days I only eat twice a day, some others I eat too much. I wonder who or when does the Neapolitan Sixths chords started using, I’ve seen them used by Brahms and Chopin and from there on. Why am I always so alone, I’ve been the one who ends up considering interesting some people, but I’m either boring or freaky for the others. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to use the same voltage formulas for the by-pass capacitor as for the amplifier extension. They’re showing up again reruns from the first series and I already missed one episode, damn, I wish the series didn’t end like that, even I could write more plots. I’ve never drunk more than 6 beers and I’m not sure if I want to find out how drunk can I get. I keep having some problem to control the bow when performing forte at fast notes or stacatto. I wonder how would people miss me if I died, maybe they would care much, I guess I’m not special for anyone, I’m just part of something else anywhere, just a tiny futile piece, not very important. What would happen it that tree was hit by a lightening? Where are my gloves? I’m feeling sort of cold on my hands; my room is always the coldest one. I wish I could sleep one day peacefully without waking up concerning on having to something.”
That’s about my random thoughts over and over, hence why I’m never have something to talk about with anyone, I know they’d find boring, hence I’m quiet. Yeah, maybe I wouldn’t do a big missing for anyone, I guess I’ll just keep breathing this oxygen for the moment.
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| sighs 2004-11-23 21:07:33 ET |
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Well, I’m feeling better now on the breathing problem. I hope I keep getting better, it sucks not being able to breathe freely.
Still yesterday and today morning I was feeling quite depressed, then I got distracted by stuff and my mood changed to a bit more of a daydreamer, not in a happy dreamer guy, just like sighing fantasies. I guess I should try to draw a time-killer-hobby comic book again, like I did 5 years ago, maybe a graphic novel. But it’s been long since go sit and draw something seriously. Bah... I don’t know.
This Thursday, Oct 25, we’re having this ‘very important’ concert thing in a fancy theatre. In the symphonic orchestra (easy level) I’ll be the Concertino again, I suppose, and at the string chamber orch. (harder level) I’m Violin II like always; and then a guest orchestra will join and I guess I’ll be assistant of their Concertino. Whatever. I can’t say I feel really excited about it, not because of my constant apathy, I still don’t feel very enthusiast about the symphonic orch., either for the repertoire or the people on it.
Talking about music, I know enough of harmony that the director told me to write a simple arrangement of something for the orchestra and maybe we’ll play it one day. I chose and small piece of Schumann just to practice; I finished it, I’ll show it to him later. I was also thinking of doing an arrangement of Piazzola’s Libertango too, it’s kind of an amusing piece.
School is almost over, just a few more painful exams and works. Shit, I’m afraid I’m going to flunk some subjects. Damn professor, knows shit of nothing. I just want to finish it all and go to sleep. ...sleep... ironically, sometimes I feel that the best part of my life is only when I’m asleep.
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| Woe. 2004-11-20 22:16:22 ET |
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Why should I be wasting air when someone else may breathe it? I always end up in the conclusion that really maybe no one will miss something of me... shit, I’m just saying that right now I’m feeling fucked up depressed as hell.
I was already very depressed yesterday and agreed to join a friend to a party thing, I went just for doing him the favor since he invited me and because he’s probably the only person I could call friend, that I have talked more seriously; yeh, maybe he’s my only friend at the moment. Obviously I did not had a good time at all, so I barely could concentrate me on trying to get drunk. I reached 6 beers and that was it for me. I went walking home at midnight say 30 or 40 blocks, I don’t know. Then today the internet wasn’t working well, but it is fixed now.
Oh, another problem that’s been shitting me lately is that I’m having breathing problems again. I few months I commented on this, and now it’s happening again. I feel like either my lungs are too small or my nose too blocked or something. It’s a fucking pain. There are certain positions when I’m sit that I feel I’m suffocating and I have to stretch in many ways until I can firmly breathe well; and my nose, also feels so constipated. After somewhile I really hate breathing through my mouth.
Some one please throw me to the mud and walk over me.
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| clouds 2004-11-15 20:48:54 ET |
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Today, when I was in the bus heading the daily rehearsal some weird guy suddenly threw me a lighted cigarette and ran off. What-the-fuck? He must’ve been really doped or something, he had dirty clothes and seemed like drug addict or drunk, I mean, who just light up a cigarette and throws it to someone and runs off? It didn’t burn me, it just fell off and it put out.
Today all day was cloudy, really cloudy, when all you see in the sky are tones of gray, ah, lovely weather. At night it started doing some wind but not hard, yet it did show some lightening within the clouds, I got to see one lightening just before entering home, it was beautiful, I lasted about a complete second, it was nice. Then it started to rain a bit, but not much, nothing stormy.
Other than that, I’m not feeling well about some subjects at school, and keep feeling lonely after the rehearsal at night; even when today I walked a girl a few blocks, I’m sure my shyness will ruin me for ever... agh... I wish I could always dream and dream, solely living in dreams... waking up always saddens me.
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