i am disintegrated    2002-11-22 08:01:05 ET
its finally friday. and i couldnt be more thrilled. on the inside. this weather has put me in a contemplative mood. it happens often, triggered by different events or occurrences. today its the weather. foggy, damp, chilly...perfect gotham weather. i feel insulated...peaceful and tranquil. nothing can touch me, i'm in the protective arms of anonymity, a face in the crowd to be forgotten. its on days like this i feel my emotional range widening just a bit...so that i can feel more, and more deeply. with more understanding for some of my peers, more insight into motivation, into weakness, and into frailty. in essence, more human.

i don't recall when it was i began to de-humanize myself. probably at an early age. even a youngster can take a quick look around and decide being a human sucks donkey cock. but i am all about balance. i need to be more emotional sometimes. because like it or not...i am human.

 beyond the darkness    2002-11-21 09:34:37 ET
fired up fallout 2 last night. it was pretty boring. i kept getting killed. i pretty much suck at video games. i used to be fairly good at them. now i am just getting old, i guess. there's something in the aging process which decreases your ability to play video games. someone should do a scientific study on this.

life [c]ried on saturday. for those of you not in the know...users deathcondition, wintermute, natchrichter (sp?) rock the stage this saturday at QXT's. so come on down. they go on at 11pm. many of us tri-state area sk.netters will be in attendance. oh and also cenobita will play after. i plan to be long gone by that time. i'll go out to support my boys but that's it. lets just say that the cenobita i've heard is just not my bag, baby.

 trapped in ice    2002-11-20 08:15:48 ET
smoked up with my boss last night. thats bizaare in itself. but it was good. of course i ate everything in the house. what a little piggy i have become. slept really really well. one of those mornings where you literally spring out of bed. and i've been given a break from hydra. but the storm clouds are gathering...

i am excited about the two towers. wow, the year just flew by. it didnt seem so long ago that i saw the fellowship of the ring.

 tears from the moon    2002-11-19 08:44:38 ET
been drinking many lattes. so i had 4 cigarettes over the weekend. feh, i am disappointed in myself. but hey, i was out and about and it was so damn tempting. i think i can control myself since i have not had any since. or much of a craving to do so. maybe its one of those things which will gradually be phased out of my life. i've never been one to be so final about anything.

i've found that married or involved women are attracted to me. i have absolutely no idea why. maybe because i am non-threatening. maybe in some way i represent stability. maybe that is just the way of women. i'll never understand. but in a way, i like it. its safe for me. its no secret that i was traumatized by my divorce. i fear women. i struggle with it everyday. not knowing if i want to overcome my fears yet. lonliness vs. fear of betrayal.

maybe thats why i like clubbing so much. there you can dance with a woman and then walk away. no obligation for more, just an instance, a smile, a small conversation. and then you move on. bite sized relationships. can you run away from something fast enough to be able to catch it eventually?


 party hardy    2002-11-17 12:18:28 ET
friday: after work, went to tennessee mountain to meet up with friends and have drinks. my friend aeden tends bar there so i drank for free all night. score! around midnight, they closed up and we headed over to another bar where we stayed until closing. rolled in around 5:30 and slept all day. then saturday, i fight the bad weather and head into bastardcave. it was dead..but fun anyway. i actually had an awesome time. now it is sunday...time to start my freelance work. blah

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