More Mushrooms and Figure Modeling.. heheh2005-09-20 17:32:35 ET


Crawlin' King Snake2005-09-19 19:09:37 ET

"Well, I'm the Crawlin' King Snake
And I rule my den
I'm the Crawlin' King Snake
And I rule my den
Yeah, don't mess 'round with my mate
Gonna use her for myself
Caught me crawlin', baby, window
Grass is very high
Keep on crawlin' till the day I die
Crawlin' King Snake
And I rule my den
You better give me what I want
Gonna crawl no more
Caught me crawlin', baby
Crawlin' 'round your door
Seein' everything I want
I'm gonna crawl on your floor
Let's crawl
And I rule my den
C'mon, give me what I want
Ain't gonna crawl no more
Alright, crawl a while
C'mon crawl
C'mon crawl
Get on out there on your hands and knees, baby
Crawl all over me
Just like the spider on the wall
Ooo, we gonn' crawl, one more
Well, I'm the Crawlin' King Snake
And I rule my den
Call me the Crawlin' King Snake
And I rule my den
Yeah, don't mess 'round with my mate
Gonna use her for myself"


an old philosophical argument of mine brought back to light...2005-09-13 17:07:17 ET

Ok, I guess first would come somewhat of a confession:

:::Stands up::: My name's Sam, and I'm a Recovering-Catholic.

LOL, yep, I was raised Roman Catholic, and was the best damned alter boy my church had ever seen. All the priests wanted me to be lead altar boy during there mass, even over boys MUCH older. In fact, they were all trying to groom me for joining Seminary School when I grew up.

(and no, you pervs, they didn't "try" anything. only a very, very small percent of society are pedophiles)

..anyway, I was always having intellectual conversations about philosophy and theology with the priests from a very young age. Anyway, here is one agrument I always used to make that would make even the most stead-fast priests concede defeat:

"If there REALLY is a 'Divine Plan', then of course those who are SUPPOSED to be born are the one's that happen to be in the minority and wind up as fertilized eggs.... ..and since no form of birth control is totally effective (except elective sterilization)then wouldn't logic dictate that those same DIVINELY INTENDED people be the ones who slipped through the "gaps" in the effectiveness of Birth Control?"

...anyone have a thought? heh

My reply to a statement, since I OBVIOUSLY can't message back....2005-09-12 13:37:14 ET

[[ > Humans are inherently evil.

I beg to differ. It's a learned behavior, hence a sociatal factor. Children are inherently good-natured. They AUTOMATICALLY know True right from wrong. They are not selfish, and naturally have an INTENSE sence of Empathy. Any selfish or malicious behavior is totally the result of 'Enculturation'.
...and because we have a Nobel nature to begin with, we can break the cycle and return to that. Most just never chose to. ]]

....yes, what horrible optimism about Human Nature... I can see why someone wouldn't want to be recieving trash like that.

come on, everybody!2005-09-12 13:30:58 ET

Yes, join the "Down with Sam" 'hateclub'!

Reject his "misguided thinking" that Violence and Warfare and Imperialism are wrong. That Clandestine Para-Military and Intelligence Organization and Spying and Torture are evil!

Help dispel the lies of "humanitarianism"! Fight against the philosophies of Gandhi that "An Eye for an Eye and soon the Whole World is Blind!".

Do away with Pacifism and those nasty "Long-Haired Pinkos"!! Arm yourself today!!

...That's Right, Only in America....
"With a Communist hiding under every bed,
And a Terrorist in every closet!"

(Brought to you by your local chapters of the NRA and the Christian Coalition)

funny how I "smell" these things.2005-09-12 12:23:44 ET

I was plauged by a horribly suicidal depression, which came to a head last night with me drinking myself into a stupor. Yes, things are bad, but they were not perticularly worse to warrent a transition into such an extreme state. I was that way almost out of 'second-nature', I just senced the presence of Death, very close at hand.

This morning, my mother calls me to inform me my grandmother's in Hospice due to Septic Shock (Blood Poisioning). *Short Version - see bottom of post for Long Version, if interested.*

Needless to say, she is to frail to survive any of the major precedures, and is now comatose, and shall pass any day now.

Why does this ALWAYS happen to me? Why am I so fucking sensitive that I sence these things EVERY TIME?!? Don't get me wrong, I treasure my gift, but does it have to be so fucking disabling at the same time... fuck!


*Long Version*
She had recurring bladder/kidney infections and this time when she went into the hospital from the nursing home, they ran more tests. The tests revealed a Kidney Stone larger than ONE INCH lodged in her Kidney, that perticular Kidney had ceased to function at all, and was almost totally abscessed.

Three Articulations on 'Love at First Sight':2005-09-12 02:01:58 ET

(written `01, compiled `05)

I long to feel her flesh beneath my lips.
The softness of her skin,
Brushing against my cheek.
My heart pounds in my chest whenever she is near.
My head spins,
I all but swoon.
She fills me with such incredible passion.
Her kiss is what I dream about.
One caress from her is worth my Life,
Though she does not even know my name....


The world stops spinning and you feel your Heart throb
You feel her skin as well as you do your own,
You feel THROUGH her skin.
You want to scream, laugh, sob - all at the same time.
Knowing with every fiber of being of your being,
That you were made for her Embrace.
The longing - the ahce in your soul -
Becomes unbearable.
A night in her arms is worth a lifetime.
Everything inside of you calls out to her - screams her name.
All this from a meeting of the eyes and a smile,
Or the simple casual brush of her hand across your flesh.


I see her angelic face across the smoke-filled room,
Alit with laughter - everything brightened by the radiance of her Smile.
The contrast of her Light and the Darkness of my soul making my Isolation all the me

ugh2005-09-12 00:25:31 ET

What a SHIT weekend. I drank (and took pills), out of depression, to the point of passing out EVERY night. DAMNIT! Why couldn't one of those times killed me!?!

...please... someone help me....
1 comment

I have just one thing to say right now....2005-09-11 15:55:19 ET


Spiritual Musings for today2005-09-11 13:53:26 ET

A Man who is Master of Himself sits on High apon a Throne,
Untouched by the whirlwind or Chaos around him.

He is Truely Above this World.
Though he may chose to Decent into it,
He reamins unfettered by Earthly Bounds.

A Man who is Master of Himself is one step closer to becoming A God!


Last three posts2005-09-11 13:43:10 ET

For those of you who haven't recognized it by now, the last three posts I made was the 7 part Epic Poem of 'Celebration of the Lizard' by JDM.

1. Lions in the Street
2. Wake Up
3. A Little Game
4. The Hill Dweller
5. Not to Touch the Earth
6. Names of the Kingdom
7. The Palace of Exile

Pt 5-7 (of 7)2005-09-11 11:20:32 ET

Not to touch the earth, not to see the sun
Nothing left to do but run, run, run
Let's run, let's run

House apon the hill, moon is lying still
Shadows of the trees witnessing the wild breeze
Come on, baby, run with me

Run with me, run with me, run with me
Let's run

The mansion is warm at the top of the hill
Rich are the rooms and the comforts there
Red are the arms of luxurious chairs
And you won'yt know a thing `till you get inside

Dead presiden't corpse in the driver's car
The engine runs on glue and tar
Come on along, not going very far
To the East to meet the Czar

Run with me, run with me, run with me
Let's run

Some outlaws live by the side of the lake
The minister's daughter in love with the snake
Who lives in a well by the side of the road
Wake up, girl! We're almost home, yeah

Sun, sun, sun
Burn, burn, burn
Moon, moon, moon
I will get you soon....soon...soon!

I am the Lizard King
I can do everything


We came down the rivers and highways
We came down from forests and falls
We came down from Carson and Springfield
We came down from Phoenix enthralled

And I can tell you the names of the kindgom
I can tell you the tings that you know
Listinging for a fistful of silence
Climbing valleys into the shade


For seven years I dwelt in the loose palace of exile
Playing strange games with the girls of the island
Now I have come again to the land of the fair
And the strong and the wise

Brothers and sisters of the pale forest
Children of night
Who among you will run with the hunt?

Now night arrives with her purple legion
Retire now to your tents and to your dreams
Tomorrow we enter the town of my birth
I want to be ready

Pt 3&42005-09-10 20:36:10 ET

Once I had a little game
I used to crawl back in my brain
I think you know the game I mean
I mean the game called "Go Insane"

Now you should try this little game
Just close your eyes, forget your name
Forget the world, forget the people
And we'll erect a different steeple

This little game is fun to do
Just close your eyes, no way to lose
And I'm right here, I'm going too
Release control, we're breaking through


Way back deep into the brain
Way back past the realm of pain
Back where there's never any rain

And the rain falls gently on the town
And over the heads of all of us

And in the labyrinth iof streams beneath the
Quiet unearlthly presence of
Nervous hull dwellers in the gentle hills around
Reptiles abounding
Fossils, caves, cool air heights

Each house repeats a mold
Windows rolled
A beast car locked in against morning
All now sleeping
Rugs silent, mirrors vacant
Dust blind under the beds of lawful couples
Wound in sheets
And daughters, smug with semen
Eyes in their nipples

Wait! There's been a slaughter here

Don't stop to speak or look around
Your gloves and fan are on the ground
We're getting out of town
We're going on the run
And you're the one I want to come!
1 comment

Pt 1&22005-09-10 19:52:03 ET

Lions in the street and roaming
Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming
A beast caged in the heart of the city

The body of his mother rotting in the summer ground
He fled the town
Went down South and crossed the border
Lft the chaos and disorder
Back there over his shoulder

One morning he awoke in a green hotel
With a strange creature groaning beside him
Sweat oozed from it's shiny skin

Is everybody in?
The ceremony is about to begin


Wake up!
You can't remember where it was
Had this dream stopped?

The snake was pale gold, glazed and shrunken
We were afraid to touch it
The sheets were hot dead prisions

And she was beside me, old she's known, young
Her dark red hair, the white soft skin

Now, run to the mirror in the bathroom
Look! She's coming in here
I can't live through each slow century of her moving
I let my cheek slide down the coold smooth tile
Feel the good cold stinging blood
The smooth hissing snakes of rain

Endless Night2005-09-10 03:28:02 ET

"Realms of Bliss,
Realms of Light,
Some are born to Sweet Delight,
Some are born to Sweet Delight,
And some are born to the Endless Night.
End of the night
End of the night"

sometimes life is just so ironic it knocks you on your ass2005-09-09 20:01:33 ET

Well, if life wasn't strange enough as it is, I just found out definatively that one of my ex-girlfriends was recruited by the government and is going into either the NSA or CIA when she gets her degree. ...and she was one of the most HUMANITARIAN of all the girls I dated, at least when we were togeather! Now she is practically joining the Gustappo<sp?>, Christ!!'s very disheartening to watch everyone around you lose their social commitment.

...heh, imaginge if I would have ended up marrying this girl... lol, could any of you begin to imagine what it would be like for me to be that close to someone in the NSA? hehehehe, I bet that I would be the reason she failed all of her background checks. =P

missing everyone!2005-09-07 01:04:16 ET

I'm missing everyone, and feeling bad for being such a Flake latley. It's just who I am, though... The harder I TRY to change it, the harder something inside revolts.

Doesn't help that I'm all out of my ADD meds for the month - but, at least i know rent is covered, heh... and (hopefully) electrisity, too... not quite sure where I'm going to come up with the money for my traffic ticket, but I'll work that out somehow.. It's amazing, but I always do, one way or another.

I haven't been feeling well, either. My stomach has been quite bad (only a few small steps away from it was when it sent me to the ER a few months ago), and my back and kneck have been KILLING me. I've been practically living on Somas (muscle relaxers)...

Hope all of you are doing well, and not upset over my absence. I have been a HEEL to everyone, not just a few specific people, so no one should feel it was personal.

Hope to start making the transition to being a normal person again, and hence talking to you all soon! I really do miss everyone, terribly!!

"I want a new drug
One that won't make me sick
One that won't make me crash my car
Or make me feel three feet thick...

....I want a new drug
One that won't go away
One that won't keep me up all night
One that won't make me sleep all day..."

10 comments this odd...2005-08-30 21:32:59 ET the moment the two things that I have a craving for is Beer and Chocolate, and Chocolate is winning out!! LOL!

Don't blame me!2005-08-30 17:27:35 ET

2 comments excerpt from 'Channeled Writings' from 8-27-05....2005-08-30 16:34:03 ET

"...I am without my 'Hands' to do my biddings,
Without my my eyes,
with which to see....."

"...Ah, my fair child,
I am of an Age uimaginable to your 'Human' mind,
and from a World unrecocognizable as your own...."

...still drained, now... more later...


"...speaking of marriage, lol..."2005-08-24 08:40:19 ET

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
- Oscar Wilde


antother, and a Guiness to go with it, LOL!2005-08-24 06:29:45 ET

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

picking on my Irish heritiage this time....2005-08-24 06:27:06 ET

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kelly twins are drunk again."
1 comment

a joke to go along with the last post...2005-08-24 06:06:19 ET

There was the old perestroika joke about Gorby's anti-alcohol campaign:

He goes to a factory and asks a worker: "Would you come to work if you'd had a drink before breakfast?"


"Two drinks"

"You betcha, comrade."

"Three drinks?"

"Well, I'm here, aren't I?"

1 comment

Salutare!2005-08-24 05:47:54 ET

Na vashe zdorovye!


A Flashback from the Past - or a repost of the poem in my first entry2005-08-22 19:28:48 ET

Red Wine and a Broken Heart

The taste of red wine and clove cigarettes.
Billy Holiday serenading me over the speakers.
Hope of love smashed on the jagged rocks below a high cliff.
The roar of the ocean below.
Always constant, never changing.

Red wine and a broken heart.
Mourn it all go, as your world falls apart.
A heart full of tears and a glass of wine, red
To feel pain as this is to be better off dead.

Thoughts racing so fast, yet everything comes slow.
The sorrowful, romantic jazz lulling you into the familiar womb of despair.
The longing for love to painful to bear.

Red wine and a broken heart.
Mourn it all go, as your world falls apart.
A heart full of tears and a glass of wine, red
To feel pain as this is to be better off dead.

Red wine and a broken heart is all the poet needs.

...Feelin' like Alex, from The Big Chill'....2005-08-22 15:41:06 ET

The Weight
(J. R. Robertson)

I pulled into Nazareth, was feelin' about half past dead
I just need some place where I can lay my head
"Hey, mister, can you tell me where a man might find a bed?"
He just grinned and shook my hand, and "no!", was all he said

Take a load off Fanny, take a load for free
Take a load off Fanny
And - and - and - you put the load - you put the load - right on me

I picked up my bag, I went lookin' for a place to hide
When I saw Carmen and the Devil walkin' side by side
I said, "hey, Carmen, come on, let's go downtown"
She said, "I gotta go, but my friend can stick around"

Take a load off Fanny, take a load for free
Take a load off Fanny
And - and - and - you put the load - you put the load - right on me

Go down, Miss Moses, there's nothin' you can say
It's just ol' Luke, and Luke's waitin' on the Judgement Day
"Well, Luke, my friend, what about young Anna Lee?"
He said, "do me a favor, son, woncha stay an' keep Anna Lee company?"

Take a load off Fanny, take a load for free
Take a load off Fanny
And - and - and - you put the load - you put the load - right on me

Crazy Chester followed me and he caught me in the fog
He said, "I will fix your rack, if you'll take Jack, my dog"
I said, "wait a minute, Chester, you know I'm a peaceful man"
He said, "that's okay, boy, won't you feed him when you can"

Yeah, take a load off Fanny, take a load for free
Take a load off Fanny
And - and - and - you put the load - you put the load - right on me

Catch a cannon ball now to take me down the line
My bag is sinkin' low and I do believe it's time
To get back to Miss Fanny, you know she's the only one
Who sent me here with her regards for everyone

Take a load off Fanny, take a load for free
Take a load off Fanny
And - and - and - you put the load - you put the load - right on me

oh what a night2005-08-20 21:30:07 ET

ugh... just got home from an 11 hour catering shift... my sister was late picking me up.... and I really wanted to do something or go somewhere, but I don't have anyone to hang out with, or anywhere to go... let alone a way to get there.....

fuck, and I even brought home like 2 dozen rozes, greenery, and baby's breath, thinking that I could get ahold of one of the two "sporatic-friends" that I have around here, to be used as a token of my appriceation and affection..... but, of course, no one wants to hang out (hell, one of the two hasn't answered my calls for like two months - Bethann, for those of you who know the story.)

no one around here care's about me.... even my sister was being a bitch and totally unsympathetic..... i mean, like i'm not suffering enough having to bust my ass for 11 hours after getting into a wreck a few days earlier, and totally stressed and upset about it.... i to be made to feel like a leper, or something, too!?!

Is simple companionship, simple friendship, that much to ask?!?

error2005-08-20 00:05:10 ET


error processing "SLEEP". [a]bort, [r]etry, [i]gnore

oh boy2005-08-19 19:10:49 ET

i get to work a catering shift that will last at least 11 hours, while i'm still sore from my accident. I NEED the money, but I didn't think all of this was going to go down when I said yes to it a week ago. Ugh! ...and this means waking up early too.... this has not been a good week....

ok, enough of my bitching for now....

On another note, I just finished Joseph Conrad's 'The Secret Sharer' and (Which was quite good) and have started on 'Heart of Darkness' (Which has two movies based on it. Both one of the same name, and Apocolypse Now!... ...for those of you who have never heard of it).

Taking a small hiatus from my Metaphysical/Non-Fiction reading, and PKD just wasn't cutting it - don't get me wrong, I LOVE Dick's writing, but my favorites are a little 'too close to home', i suppose, and a bit too much like my 'Studies'.


sore as hell2005-08-18 14:19:30 ET

Well, I'm sore as hell from being jarred like I was from the crash, but feeling rather lucky that's all that happened. With how fast and hard he hit the driver's side, if he would have hit any further down on the body and not just clipped my nose, I would have two broken legs, at least, if not a fractured pelvis.

Well, at least if I was going to take out another car, I picked a good one: a fairly recent model Beamer, heh.


Happy Fucking Birthday To Me!!2005-08-17 20:04:29 ET

Well, I'm at my sisters right now. She lives all of 10 mins away from me. I came over because she called and said her and my nephews wanted to do the cake thing. I left home about 10:30, at the latest.

What took so long is I got into a fucking car accident on the way over. Fuck!

Now a totaled car and $125 ticket later, here I sit. What a fucking birthday surprise. (Which justy paying the TICKET uses up all of my birthday money!!!) I think I really am cursed!

I should have just stayed in bed the whole day! Now you all see why I hate my birthday so much, this is just typical!!


WTF???2005-08-16 19:58:25 ET

Ok, what the fuck?? I'm talking to someone I met online, and she says she has to call me if I want to continue talking because it's storming and she's afraid of storms so has to go hind under the covers. Ok, weird, but sure.....

So we're talking, and hitting it off, and the friendship seems to be developing nicely, and i happen to mention ONE TINY LITTLE FUCKING THING about smoking pot, and the next thing I know: Dead line.... So, thinking we might have just got disconnected, I call back. No answer. I leave a message. No return call. I wait 5 mins (thinking she could have gotten a call in the intrem and that's why she hasn't called back) and call again, still nothing. Obviously avoiding my call.

Ok, to stop talking to someone JUST because they smoke pot is fucked up enough... but to actually hang up on someone and avoid their calls, rather than just voicing your issue, now that is MAJORLY not cool!

I mean, if you have a problem with me, let me know. Just don't fucking dissapear and then avoid me!!! At least have the nerve to say "Hey, I really don't agree with how you live, I don't think this friendship is going to work...."

Grrrrr... Like i wasn't in a bad enough fucking mood because of my birthday!!! Now I'm feeling even MORE alone and rejected!

Why do people have to suck so much!?!?!

"To be... or not to be..."2005-08-16 13:20:14 ET

It just occured to me that I feel like Hamlet, living out my one last drama before my inevitable demise.


Ick!2005-08-16 04:27:04 ET

Well, the foul count-down progresses. One day left untill the foul day is at hand. Someone just shoot me now, please.

count-down... ugh!2005-08-15 15:41:28 ET

Two more foul days untill the dreaded annual date arrives. That will make twenty-four years trapped in this bloody purgatory! Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks!! Can't I just skip it??

Farewell Sweet Prince2005-08-13 22:42:27 ET

How can we EVER survive, having lost our Role Model, our Hero, our Spokesperson..... How is this 'lost tribe of freaks' ever to go on living, having lost our 'Tribal Elder'? If even HE was worn down to the point of shooting himself in the face, what hope could there EVER be for us???

.....Rest well, Sweet Prince......


On another note, here are some lyrics to convey my mood....

by Don McLean

starry night
paint your palette blue and grey

look out on a summer's day
with eyes that know the
darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills
sketch the trees and the daffodils

catch the breeze and the winter chills

in colors on the snowy linen land.
And now I understand what you tried to say to me

how you suffered for your sanity
how you tried to set them free.
They would not listen
they did not know how

perhaps they'll listen now.

starry night
flaming flo'rs that brightly blaze

swirling clouds in violet haze reflect in
Vincent's eyes of China blue.
Colors changing hue
morning fields of amber grain

weathered faces lined in pain
are soothed beneath the artist's
loving hand.
And now I understand what you tried to say to me

how you suffered for your sanity
how you tried to set them free.
perhaps they'll listen now.

For they could not love you
but still your love was true

and when no hope was left in sight on that starry
starry night.
You took your life
as lovers often do;
But I could have told you
this world was never
meant for one
as beautiful as you.

starry night
portraits hung in empty halls

frameless heads on nameless walls
with eyes
that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the stranger that you've met

the ragged men in ragged clothes

the silver thorn of bloddy rose
lie crushed and broken
on the virgin snow.
And now I think I know what you tried to say to me

how you suffered for your sanity

how you tried to set them free.
They would not listen
they're not
list'ning still
perhaps they never will.

apparently...2005-08-08 20:05:21 ET

.....apparently i read people's minds too much.... or so i kept hearing tonight, lol!

How I wish it could be so....2005-08-08 15:25:51 ET

"...Cold, Sudden Fury of a Divine Messenger..."2005-08-08 13:03:14 ET

"I'll tell you this...

No eternal reward will forgive us now
For wasting the dawn.

Soft driven, slow and mad
Like some new language

Some call it heavenly in it's brilliance
Others, mean and rueful of the western dream

I love the friends I have gathered together on this thin raft.
We have constructed pyramids in honor of our escaping
This is the land where the pharaoh died.

One summer night, going to the pier
I ran into two young girls
The blonde one was called freedom
The dark one, enterprise
We talked and they told me this story

'Forget the night,
Live with us in forests of azure'

Meager food for souls forgot

The river contains specimens
The voices of singing women
Call us on the far shore

The Negroes in the forest,
brightly feathered

Reaching your head with the cold, sudden fury of a divine messenger -

Let me tell you about heartache and the loss of god....
Wandering, wandering in hopeless night.

Out here in the perimeter there are no stars
Out here we is stoned -

Either Peaceful or from a Porno, hehe2005-08-04 16:10:42 ET

So, which one does it look like, to you? lol

another new one2005-08-04 12:58:11 ET

got to love distortion... heh.

Picture taken today2005-08-04 10:14:15 ET

Oppinions, anyone? (and save your breath... yes, i know I'm skinny.... I usually weigh in at around 125lbs, never more than 130...)

Kitty update2005-08-04 09:49:27 ET

A new kitty update! He offically has a name - Horus

"...I should just fade away...."2005-08-03 12:54:30 ET

by Rozz Williams and Gitane Demone

This is my favourite sad story,
Forget me not or I'll forget myself
I've got quite a few things that I'm afraid of
sometimes I just can't face myself
This is my favorite sad story,
Forget me not or I'll forget myself.
I guess I'll tuck myself away tonight,
you know it's been one of those days.
Every pretty flower, every lovely flower,
every deadly flower hides its light inside of shame.
I do not know why you don't know,
I cannot reap what you have sewn
Beneath this blanket of loose soil,
wrapped around my mortal coil.
Well a stem is not a rose,
but that's how my garden grows.
I can't see the forest for the trees,
mistaking poison for disease
Now it's all shot to hell and back again.
I seek redemption for the same old sins and I fall on my knees,
And I pray that all the poppies they will just fade away.
But fields of poppies they remain.
That's how they found me last time, dead
This is my favorite sad story,
forget me not or I'll forget myself.
I've got quite a few things that I'm afraid of,
sometimes I just won't face myself.
This is my favorite sad story,
forget me not or I'll forget myself
I guess I'll just tuck myself away tonight
you know its been one of those days.
Every pretty flower, every lovely flower,
every deadly flower, hides its light inside of shame.
I do not know why you don't know,
I cannot reap what you have sown.
Beneath this blanket of loose soil,
wrapped around my mortal coil.
Irises lay in spring mud,
where lovers drown each other's sorrows,
Where lovers dream about tomorrows.
As for me I drown another kind as sadness runs course through my veins.
Posie wreaths they crown me.
My heart, My heart
I should just fade away, fade away
Like a flower...
1 comment

New Kitty!!!2005-07-26 12:28:07 ET


"...and we fell into it, like a daydream or a fever......"2005-07-26 09:02:39 ET

...The opening Poem to Godspeed You Black Emperor's song: Dead Flag Blues....

the car's on fire and there's no driver at the wheel
and the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
and a dark wind blows
the government is corrupt
and we're on so many drugs
with the radio on and the curtains drawn

we're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
and the machine is bleeding to death

the sun has fallen down
and the billboards are all leering
and the flags are all dead at the top of their poles

it went like this:

the buildings tumbled in on themselves
mothers clutching babies picked through the rubble
and pulled out their hair

the skyline was beautiful on fire
all twisted metal stretching upwards
everything washed in a thin orange haze

i said: "kiss me, you're beautiful -
these are truly the last days"

you grabbed my hand and we fell into it
like a daydream or a fever

we woke up one morning and fell a little further down -
for sure it's the valley of death

i open up my wallet
and it's full of blood


Look how Lazy/Efficiant this is! LOL!2005-07-20 10:54:38 ET

Isn't cross-refrencing wonderful! hehehe


...and how would it make YOU feel?!? LOL2005-07-20 09:39:26 ET

Hi, my name's Sam... I'll be your Nursing Assistant...

Please, let ME help you into your weelchair.


(of course, I'll probably not be wearing black... but my hair will be up like it is now, though, and I'll be shaved like I am...)

oh, yeah, and the facilities probably won't let my smoke pot or drink on the job.... bastards...


A poem is found, quite a few years old, and is dusted off for Presentation.2005-07-19 09:17:04 ET

(and to think, I wrote this during the FIRST war with Iraq. how fitting it has become once again)

No Pity

don't cry for help,
don't reach out for assistance,
all you'll receive is resentment and resistance.
don't call for help,
`cause no one will ever answer,
compassion's what we're lacking,
apathy groes like cancer.

you lash out at others,
you lash out at yourself,
don't you know you shouldn't feel
leave your emotions on the shelf

no one wants to hear you whine,
no one wants to hear you cry,
they all say that it's just a line
they don't believe you'll really die

don't cry for help,
don't reach out for assistance,
all you'll receive is resentment and resistance.
don't call for help,
`cause no one will ever answer,
compassion's what we're lacking,
apathy groes like cancer.

you mean nothing to these people,
your desperate pleas all go unheard
you might as well have a been a Pigmy,
you might as well have been a Kurd

selfishness has no time for compassion
to them you're just a 'bummer'
this world has no place for those who dance
to the beat of a different drummer

don't cry for help,
don't reach out for assistance,
all you'll receive is resentment and resistance.
don't call for help,
`cause no one will ever answer,
compassion's what we're lacking,
apathy groes like cancer.

anything unpleasent is ignored,
the wretched are looked over.
people let their neighbors die a slow death,
never leanding a hand,
and then they have the nerve to claim to morn.


Disclaimer: WARNING! Obsceniteis Below! Not for the underage, 'undisillusioned', or faint of heart2005-07-18 12:25:47 ET

Godamn Bloody, Bloody, Bleeding Cocksucker! Bollocks! Bollocks! Bollocks!

Ok, now I'm sure that it's pretty well known that I am a pacifist. But, I have found, that there are scenarios where even GAHNDI would have beaten someone skull in with a large rubber DILDO!!!

One of the forementioned scenario is sadistic, and systematic murder of the bloody idiot cunts who developed "Pre-Employment Personality Tests". I just answered over Four-Fucking-Hundred of these questions! Two tests... One "True / False", the other was "Agree / Disagree / Undecided"...

Now, it would be bad enough having to answer over 400 bloody questions, but to make things worse, the tests were the same just in different formats. ...and of course, it's always the same 25 questions, worded slightely differently, repeated over and over and over and over..... ...untill you just want to rip someone's bollocks off.....

Yes, and one other small little thing, it got a bit too personal for me there at times. I mean, it didn't ask "How often do you masturbate" or "Are you 'Living In Sin'.." or anything like that, but it did get a little too personal with questions on health, relegion/spirituality, and my childhood/relationship with my parents.... I'm sorry, I don't think it's any fucking business of a employer weather or not my parents encouraged or praised me as a kid, or if i thought about running away, or if I believe in God, or if I was a healthy kid... I mean, I'm sorry, but the only one who should be asking me about "pre-existing medical conditions" should be my doctor, and my insurance company, PERIOD!

How would an employer react if you walked into an interview and right off the bat asked: "So, ever had 'The Clap'?" or "Are you bad and neglect your ageing parents?".... Maybe they just might piss me off enough to try it someday... I'll let you know how it goes, as soon as someone posts my bail, LOL!

Arriving at the Graveyard2005-07-17 15:48:14 ET

Your Humble Narrator, just before he ventures off into the Yard of Graves, for an evening of Exploring.


anyone?!?!2005-07-17 14:05:14 ET

100 Points to ANYONE who can tell me, without researching it, where the quote I used for my last post came from... Another 150 if you can tell me the actor who said it, and bonus 250 points if you can tell me the Character!! Though, I won't hold my breath for any responces, lol!

"I don't try to be funny, I only try and ammuse Myself!" - Me


"...A cloud passes over the Moon.... Who talks like that!?!"2005-07-17 10:38:10 ET

"At Ephesus was the Pantacle of the Moon, which was the Temple of Diana Panthea, made in the likeness of the Universe. It was a dome surmounting as cross, with a square gallery and a circular precinct recalling the shield of Achillies." -Eliphas Levi: The History of Magic

Creeping Past the Dead2005-07-16 18:37:35 ET


...My Favorite Poem: Posted again due to it's corelation to my feelings right now....2005-07-16 16:31:20 ET

Mood: Rejected
Listening to: Bob Dylan, Foot of Pride

Once if my memory serves me well...
by Arthur Rimbaud

Once, if my memory serves me well, my life was a banquet where every heart revealed itself, where every wine flowed.
One evening I took Beauty in my arms - and I thought her bitter - and I insulted her.

I steeled myself against justice.
I fled. O witches, O misery, O hate, my treasure was left in your care.

With a silent leap of a sullen beast I downed and strangled every joy.
I have called for executioners; I want to perish chewing on their gun butts. I have called for plagues, to suffocate in sand and blood. I have laid down in the mud, and dried myself off in the crime-infested air. I have played the fool to the point of madness.

And springtime brought me the frightful laugh of an idiot.

Now recently, when I found myself ready to croak! I thought to seek the key to the banquet of old, where I might find an appetite again.

That key is Charity (This idea proves I was dreaming!)

"You will stay a hyena, etc.....", shouts the demon who once crowned me with such pretty poppies. "Seek death with all
your desires, and all selfishness, and all the Seven Deadly Sins."

Ah, I've taken too much of that: still, dear Satan, don't look so annoyed, I beg you! And while waiting for a few belated cowardices, since you value in a writer all lack of descriptive or didactic flair, I pass you these few foul pages from the diary of a Damned Soul.

"This Might Be the End of Our Fair Hero...."2005-07-16 09:06:09 ET

Mood: Rejected
Listening To: Billie Holliday - Gloomy Sunday

This might be the end of our Fair Hero

Abandoned and betrayed by all I've loved & trusted.
In a pool of my own tears and blood.
I cannot push this pain from my mind.
It consumes me,
Devouring who I once was.
All my hopes and dreams,
Dropping away,
Like the flesh off a rotting corpse.

My Heart has been slain.
My Spirit crushed.
All because I dared to trust,
At the time when I was most vulnerable.

I never stated,
You must not have known,
But was it not written in my face?
That betrayal was the foulest injury,
That my heart could receive,
In this most insufferable place!

"Something Else" there....2005-07-08 16:37:57 ET

This picture was taken in a Graveyard in Chapel Hill, NC (just outside Raleigh), which is so old it has many PRE-Civil War markers and stones. The place just generally toyed with the digital camera, but this one showed up with "Something" on it, with no explainable sources of effects, illusions, or distortion. The "force" seems to bend as if displaced by my "Aura". Felt drawn to this grave, for an unknown reason, as well...

So there are the facts. My oppinions are slow to FULLY make up, so I'm undecided at the moment. What do you guys think?



"..but he drinks, and drinks can be fixed..."2005-07-02 09:00:12 ET

'Foot of Pride'
by Bob Dylan

Like the lion tears the flesh off of a man
So can a woman who passes herself off as a male
They sang "Danny Boy" at his funeral and the Lord's Prayer
Preacher talking Ôbout Christ betrayed
It's like the earth just opened and swallowed him up
He reached too high, was thrown back to the ground
You know what they say about bein' nice to the right people on the way up
Sooner or later you gonna meet them comin' down

Well, there ain't no goin' back when your foot of pride come down
Ain't no goin' back

Hear ya got a brother named James, don't forget faces or names
Sunken cheeks and his blood is mixed
He looked straight into the sun and said revenge is mine
But he drinks, and drinks can be fixed
Sing me one more song, about ya love me to the moon and the stranger
And your fall by the sword love affair with Erroll Flynn
in these times of compassion when conformity's in fashion
Say one more stupid thing to me before the final nail is driven in.

Well, there ain't no goin' back when your foot of pride come down
Ain't no goin' back

There's a retired businessman named Red, cast down from heaven and he's out of his head
He feeds off of everyone that he can touch
He said he only deals in cash or sells tickets to a plane crash
He's not somebody that you play around with much
Miss Delilah is his, a Philistine is what she is
She'll do wondrous works with your fate
Feed you coconut bread, spice buns in your bed
If you don't mind sleepin' with your head face down in a grave.

Well, there ain't no goin' back when your foot of pride come down
Ain't no goin' back

Well they'll choose a man for you to meet tonight
You'll play the fool and learn how to walk through doors
How to enter into the gates of paradise
No, how to carry a burden too heavy to be yours
Yeah, from the stage they'll be tryin' to get water outta rocks
A whore will pass the hat, collect a hundred grand and say thanks
They like to take all this money from sin, build big universities to study in
Sing "Amazing Grace" all the way to the Swiss banks

Well, there ain't no goin' back when your foot of pride come down
Ain't no goin' back

They got some beautiful people out there, man
They can be a terror to your mind and show you how to hold your tongue
They got mystery written all over their forehead
They kill babies in the crib and say only the good die young
They don't believe in mercy
Judgment on them is something that you'll never see
They can exalt you up or bring you down main route
Turn you into anything that they want you to be

Well, there ain't no goin' back when your foot of pride come down
Ain't no goin' back

Yes, I guess I loved him too
I can still see him in my mind climbin' that hill
Did he make it to the top, well he probably did and dropped
Struck down by the strength of the will
Ain't nothin' left here partner, just the dust of a plague that has left this whole town afraid
From now on, this'll be where you're from
Let the dead bury the dead. Your time will come
Let hot iron blow as he raised the shade

Well, there ain't no goin' back when your foot of pride come down
Ain't no goin' back

A touch of a bit more 'Esoteric' Spirituality - the number of which, being? anyone?2005-06-29 22:05:56 ET


"the law of
the strong;
this is our law
and the joy
of the world."

AL. II. 21

"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law." - AL I: 40

"thou hast no right but to do thy will. Do that, and no other
shall say nay." - AL I: 42-3

"Every man and every woman is a star." - AL I: 3

There is no god but man.

1. Man has the right to live by his own law --
to live in the way that he wills to do:
to work as he will:
to play as he will:
to rest as he will;
to die when and how he will.

2. Man has the right to eat what he will:
to drink what he will:
to dwell where he will;
to move as he will on the face of the earth.

3. Man has the right to think what he will:
to speak what he will:
to write what he will:
to draw, paint, carve, etch mold, build as he will;
to dress as he will.

4. Man has the right to love as he will:
"take your fill and will of love as ye will, when, where,
and with whom ye will." - AL I: 51

5. Man has the right ot kill those who would thwart these rights.

"the slaves shall serve." - AL II: 58

"Love is the law, love under will." - AL I: 57

Iao! Iao!

Aum! Ha!


A Touch of Eastern Spirituality2005-06-29 14:22:46 ET

"The Ten Fetters, "The Noble Eight-Fold Path", and the "Four Noble Truths"

"The 10 Fetters":

1. Belief in the existence in Self
2. Doubt
3. Trust in the Ceremonies of Good Works
4. Lust
5. Anger
6. Desire for Rebirth in 'Worlds of Form'
7. Desire for Rebirth in 'Formless Worlds'
8. Pride
9. Self-Indulgence
10. Ignorance

"Noble Eight-Fold Path":

1. Proper Understanding
2. Proper Aspiration (Thought)
3. Proper Speech
4. Proper Conduct
5. Proper Means of Livelihood
6. Proper Effort
7. Proper Mindfulness
8. Proper Absorption (Concentration)

"Four Noble Truths":

1. The Noble Truth of Suffering: Birth is Suffering; Illness is Suffering; Decay is Suffering; Death is Suffering. Life is Sorrow

2. Noble Truth of the Cause of Suffering: Desire. Desire for Pleasure; Desire for Existence; Desire for Prosperity; Desire for Existence; Desire for Non-Existence

3. Noble Truth of the Cessation of Suffering: Cessation of Desire. Absence of every passion. The Abolishment of Desire. The Desecration and Systematic Break-Down of 'Self'

4. The Noble Truth of the Path: Follow the Wisdom of the Eight-Fold Path.


Me, hehe..2005-06-29 10:10:17 ET

...a piece is written, but no catharsis comes....2005-06-27 16:52:45 ET

For "V" -

Oh, How she came to me in my hour of need.
An Angel, more radient than the hot Florida sun.
My anxiousness had once again turned itself into the old familiar melancholy,
But as I saw her aproach, my heart overflowed with ecstacy and warmpth.
The cold, fierce blizzard in my Soul ceased to rage.

Things were so beautiful then, in the begining.
We were like the Universal and Eternal Lovers.
Consumed and contented, in each other's embrace.

Then, it seemed to happen in a flash:
Try as I might, with all my will, to stop it,
The tension began, the uneasiness, the strife, the heated exchanges.
How I struggled to fight the stemming Tide,
The torrent that would soon overwhelm me.

Now, I sit here, once again, much like she first found me.
Most of all, alone.

The whole while my Soul cries out for her.
My Angel, for whom my Love has never diminshed.

Are you??2005-06-27 14:22:53 ET

...glad I'm not...

Bollocks!2005-06-27 10:29:32 ET

"Viva El Presidente!!" -Vyvyan


Whoa! Heavy, man!2005-06-27 10:25:27 ET

"... Then you have to, in ten words, Explain What Cornflakes Mean To You, so I put: 'Conflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes!' -Vyvyan

"Pathetic! You'll never win!" -Rik

"Why not!?" -Vyvyan

"Because that's only nine words" -Rik

"Oh! Ok! Cornflakes!" -Vyvyan

"Ahh! There is is! Kill it! Kill it!" -Neil

"Mighty good talk coming from a Vegitarian, Neil!" -Rik

"Socks aren't Vegtables, Rik, they should be wiped out!" -Neil
1 comment

Enjoy!2005-06-26 17:21:42 ET


Everything hits the fan2005-06-08 03:52:00 ET

...Well, everything seems to go wrong at once, as always.
The girl I moved up to NC with is now leaving, and though it became a very uncompassionate and abusive relationship, i'm still heartbroken, especially because she says she doesn't love me..... She leaves sunday.
While out looking for a job yesterday, my jeep suddenly starts to overheat, and I take it in only to find out it's the Head Gasket, which is quite expensive.....
And on the topic of Jobs, even though I'm freshly certified as a CNA, no one will hire me, because they all want at least 6 months to 2 years experiance. Fucking 'Catch 22'...

So, no work, no life, no vehicle. No hope in sight.

Praying something happens to fix things a bit, or this may be my last entry - folks.... if you should never hear from me again on here, is the most permenant e-mail that I have. (heh, I wonder if I could put up an epitaph auto-responce for it, if need be....)

Thank you all (what few of you there are) for coming here to view my humble words, and two-bit pictures all this time.

"Realms of bliss, realms of light... Some are born to Sweet Delight... Some are born to Sweet Delight... Some are born to the Endless Night..." -JDM

Peace be with you all.


Reposted for the sheer need to get more people to experiance this phenominal peice, and the emotions2005-04-26 11:25:16 ET


Allen Ginsberg

America I've given you all and now I'm nothing.
America two dollars and twenty-seven cents January 17, 1956.
I can't stand my own mind.
America when will we end the human war?
Go fuck yourself with your atom bomb
I don't feel good don't bother me.
I won't write my poem till I'm in my right mind.
America when will you be angelic?
When will you take off your clothes?
When will you look at yourself through the grave?
When will you be worthy of your million Trotskyites?
America why are your libraries full of tears?
America when will you send your eggs to India?
I'm sick of your insane demands.
When can I go into the supermarket and buy what I need with my good looks?
America after all it is you and I who are perfect not the next world.
Your machinery is too much for me.
You made me want to be a saint.
There must be some other way to settle this argument.
Burroughs is in Tangiers I don't think he'll come back it's sinister.
Are you being sinister or is this some form of practical joke?
I'm trying to come to the point.
I refuse to give up my obsession.
America stop pushing I know what I'm doing.
America the plum blossoms are falling.
I haven't read the newspapers for months, everyday somebody goes on trial for murder.
America I feel sentimental about the Wobblies.
America I used to be a communist when I was a kid and I'm not sorry.
I smoke marijuana every chance I get.
I sit in my house for days on end and stare at the roses in the closet.
Whenever I go to Chinatown I get drunk and never get laid.
My mind is made up there's going to be trouble.
You should have seen me reading Marx.
My psychoanalyst thinks I'm perfectly right.
I won't say the Lord's Prayer.
I have mystical visions and cosmic vibrations.
America I still haven't told you what you did to Uncle Max after he came over from Russia.
I'm addressing you.
Are you going to let our emotional life be run by Time Magazine?
I'm obsessed by Time Magazine.
I read it every week.
Its cover stares at me every time I slink past the corner candystore.
I read it in the basement of the Berkeley Public Library.
It's always telling me about responsibility. Businessmen are serious. Movie Producers are serious. Everybody's serious but me.
It occurs to me that I am America.
I am talking to myself again.
Asia is rising against me.
I haven't got a chinaman's chance.
I'd better consider my national resources.
My national resources consist of two joints of marijuana millions of genitals an unpublishable private literature that goes 1400 mph and
twentyfivethousand mental institutions.
I say nothing about my prisons nor the millions of underpriviliged who live in my flowerpots under the light of five hundred suns.
I have abolished the whorehouses of France, Tangiers is the next to go.
My ambition is to be President despite the fact that I'm a Catholic.
America how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
I will continue like Henry Ford my strophes are as individual as his
automobiles more so they're all different sexes.
America I will sell you strophes $2500 apiece $500 down on your old strophe.
America free Tom Mooney
America save the Spanish Loyalists
America Sacco & Vanzetti must not die
I am the Scottsboro boys.
America when I was seven momma took me to Communist Cell meetings they
sold us garbanzos a handful per ticket a ticket costs a nickel and the
speeches were free everybody was angelic and sentimental about the
workers it was all so sincere you have no idea what a good thing the party was in 1935 Scott Nearing was a grand old man a real mensch Mother
Bloor made me cry I once saw Israel Amter plain.
Everybody must have been a spy.
America you don't really want to go to war.
America it's them bad Russians.
Them Russians them Russians and them Chinamen. And them Russians.
The Russia wants to eat us alive. The Russia's power mad. She wants to take our cars from out our garages.
Her wants to grab Chicago. Her needs a Red Reader's Digest. Her wants our auto plants in Siberia. Him big bureaucracy running our fillingstations.
That no good. Ugh. Him makes Indians learn read. Him need big black niggers. Hah. Her make us all work sixteen hours a day. Help.
America this is quite serious.
America this is the impression I get from looking in the television set.
America is this correct?
I'd better get right down to the job.
It's true I don't want to join the Army or turn lathes in precision parts factories,
I'm nearsighted and psychopathic anyway.
America I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

"College, or what I chose to do with my life"2005-04-26 09:00:27 ET

I dropped out at 17. This was after, during my 16th yr, my ex-stepdad attacked me at, one of my sisters (I'm the youngest of 8 by 20 years) commited suicide, and i was forced out on my own. I dropped out mostly to take care of - a.k.a: play Father to - my two great-nephews, since my nephew couldn't do it on his own after his mom died.
I finally got around to getting my GED at 18. I went back to school like a year later, and took a full course load. Well, that was a bit too much for me since I hadn't been to school in like over two years, and slacked off during highschool, only participating in like discussions that interested me and whatnot, reading my own books or sleeping most of the rest of the time. Hence, it's not surprising that I ended up dropping out less than half-way through. I tried again the next year, but, that time I suffered a MAJOR heartbreak, and my will to do anything but curl up and die left me. I dropped out again.
I just finished going back to school (only one class) for my Nursing Assistant certification, passed my State Boards, and plan on continuing for my RN, and then progressing on from there. (Interested in both the Psych field, and Tropical Medicine and Epidemic/Pathogen Control - with a perticular affinity for the Viral Hemmoragic Fevers - and hope to try to work for the WHO and DEFINATLY will voluneteer with Doctors Without Borders).

Now, if you'd ask me my major interests, you wouldn't get medicine (well, maybe Psych) as one of my top 10. Anthropology, Comparitive Theology, Philosophy, and Liberal and Utopian Politics are my main passions. I also have a very soft spot for the written word, being a writer myself (Poet, mainly).
Try finding work in these fields. I've done ALOT of jobhunting in my life and I have yet to see an Ad looking for an 'Aspiring Theological Scholar' No "Desprately seeking Philosophers or 'Those interested in the culture of Man, dating into pre-history'..." Never seen "Poets Wanted". Sure, you can make a living as those things, usually in a University setting, and it will take you a Ph.D to get started. I don't know about you, but I never had 8 years to spend going to school full time while daddy paid for everything. I had to feed myself.

The point to this rambling little side-stream is,

One: Most of the time what interests you, and what can pay the bills are two TOTALLY different things.

...Ok... That's pretty logical, nothing too revolutionary there.

Two: Working just to pay the bills and ignoring your true "inner-callings" leaves you only Physically exausted and Spiritually and Emotionally empty. Sure, you can forget about all of that by trying to copete with the Jones', but only temporarily. It's always there, nagging at you. One starts to see no real point or meaning in life.

Three: The goal of the individual thereby has to be to find a way to reconcile one's interests and desires with one's need for survival in a materialisic society. Find something you can BEAR doing. Somewhere that the thought of going to doesn't want to make you eat the barrel of a gun after 6 months, a year, maybe a couple... Spend as musch effort as possible following your heart and your true interests. As the great Anthropologist and Athority on Mythology - Joseph Campbell<sp?> - said: "Follow your Bliss".

Four: Now here's where it all ties in - Pay VERY close attention in your life to Syncronisities, especially those having to do with what you deem your "calling" to be. You will start to see a way open up between survival and fufillment. It will not come all at once, it will not even come as a path hazily coming out of the fog. It's more like looking at an impassible river, and then all of a sudden you notice a stone you can step out on - risky, but closer to your goal. Then from there, and it may take time, you will notice another, then another.

It may take you a VERY long time from there, but once you get to that point it becomes almost invigorating,like the rush of watching 'Shooting Stars' for a while and anticipating where they will come from next. The quest becomes the goal. Attainment can be achieved.


.....or maybe I've just done too much Acid, and will wake up in the hospital with all of this just being a bad trip and all of you being people I just hallucinated..... As comforting as that sounds, to just be hallucinating Republicans, I doubt very much that it's true. can always hope though, right?

"I bless you all living things. I bless you in the Infinite Past, I bless you in the Infinite Present, I Bless you in the Infinite Future" -J. Kerouac

"You must BE the Change you wish to see in this World!" -Gandhi

May the Peace and the Love of the Dharma bless you, keep you, and teach you Truth.


One Final Poem2005-04-11 17:42:50 ET

The Corruption of my Youth

Eight years of Love and Trust torn from me
I found her, so long ago, she was supposed to be my salvation.
She was 29, I was only 15...
Already at such a young age, I was disillusioned with the world,
Ready to lay down and die.

She came and convinced me to live,
Promised me Love,
Promised me Friendship.
Taught me about Soulmates...

True, I had not always been in love with only her.
Though, when have I ever been in love with just one?
Is that not my nature?
Does not everyone who knows me see this and accept it?
But, I try my hardest never to be dishonest about this fact,
Never to keep anyone in the dark, or felt lied to,
Always tried to explain my love and admiriation for many,
Rather than let those I cared about think someone could replace them,
Or diminish their presence in my eyes, in any way.

I sit here,
Now realizing the last eight years of my life,
Have been lived in a giant lie.
My whole development since fifteen has been contaminated.
The most fundemental years in my metamorphasis into an adult.
Have I been manipulated the entire time, was none of it real?

How does one start over,
How does one rebuild or recover?
When the lie,
The pain and damage,
Began at such a young and critical age?

..debating..2005-04-11 16:38:18 ET

....With all the traumas in my life at the moment, I'm debating weather or not to keep this account going. No one seems to show much interest in my ramblings, and most of those who seemed to care have left SK already.... just get's a little DRAINING to pour out your soul with no one even batting an eye in your direction...... I was invited here to Make friends, and it seems that it's really not happening, that you have to HAVE friends to get anyone to look at your page. Having none, It's only making it more obvious how pathetic I am writing these things with no one ever reading them.

I end with a poem. If there is anyone who would like me to stay, PLEASE let me know you're out there, that I'm not totally alone.

Attempt at Reconciliation Between Hopeless Romanticism and Cynasism

Feel the Heart which once beat in time with mine, and had such glorious love, turn to stone.

Reeling in Ghastly Horror as you witness the compassion and tenderness - that used to to be the greatest solice of your days and what life worth living - turn to cruelty, indifference and abuse.

Oh, how the starving in my Soul consumes me.
My feelings of Abandonment and Betrayal so great.



...a quick update..2005-01-23 15:18:59 ET

A quick update on my life since it has been so long....

Pt I:

Started CNA classes the first week of Jan. Looks like I might persue my RN, at least. I figure medicine will go well with my Anthropology/Enthnobotany and Theological Anthropology Field work.

While with the tribes, indiginious peoples, etc... and during my off-time, I can work with "Doctors Without Borders".

Perhaps, if I both get a long-time with and am feeling perticularly advenerous, I could get to work with the "WHO" (World Health Organization) in their search and/or treatment and pervention of "High-Biohazard Level" Pathogens, such as Ebola, Marburg, the other VHFs (Viral Hemmoragic Fevers), etc... plus there's now SARS, Hanta, and many others...

The CDC would be a good employer, but I have reservations about the their sharing of information with USAMRIID (US Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases) and FEMA.

But yeah, that's where my scholastic/perfessional life is leading at the moment. School is boring and just reinforces the my belief that the tactics and practices of Western Medicine are totally backwards and Medieval, but it is bearable and gets me out of the house...

...more to come on my abusive and traumatic personal life in Pt. II....


...emotional/romantic wallowings... aslo titled: Poem written Yesterday2004-10-09 00:39:06 ET

Falling in Love Again

I feel myself slipping down the slope I know so well.
I see my old skids,
And the bloodied claw marks of my attemted recoveries.

I feel myself falling,
Falling in Love Again.
I feel myself losing,
What control I thought was regained.

I have been abused both mentally and physically.
Spiritually and Emotionaly,
I have been weighted down and crushed in the past.

Ah, but those few moments that were sweet and pure.
Moments to be relished in,
Cherished a lifetime like momentos of a homeland now in Exile from.

I feel myself falling,
Falling in Love Again.
I feel myself losing,
What control I thought was regained.

I yearn for that comfort and affection i once knew.
Still I am afraid,
From all the times my heart has been broken in the past.

Fight it as I may, I still see her face now,
Every time I close my eyes.


...the harshness of life... also titled: Poem written Today2004-10-08 11:14:54 ET

The Corruption of my Youth

Eight years of Love and Trust torn from me
I found her, so long ago, she was supposed to be my salvation.
She was 29, I was only 15...
Already at such a young age, I was disillusioned with the world,
Ready to lay down and die.

She came and convinced me to live,
Promised me Love,
Promised me Friendship.
Taught me about Soulmates...

True, I had not always been in love with only her.
Though, when have I ever been in love with just one?
Is that not my nature?
Does not everyone who knows me see this and accept it?
But, I try my hardest never to be dishonest about this fact,
Never to keep anyone in the dark, or felt lied to,
Always tried to explain my love and admiriation for many,
Rather than let those I cared about think someone could replace them,
Or diminish there presence in my eyes, in any way.

I sit here,
Now realizing the last eight years of my life,
Have been lived in a giant lie.
My whole development since fifteen has been contaminated.
The most fundimental years in my metamorphasis into an adult.
Have I been manipulated the entire time, was none of it real?

How does one start over,
How does one rebuild or recover?
When the lie,
The pain and damage,
Began at such a young and critical age?

A month witrhout my best friend2004-09-13 18:21:02 ET

I find myself here, a month later, as devistated as when it all first occured. I miss your silent comfort, the solace of your soft fur and warm body in my lap, chasing away my hot and jagged sobbing. You were the one that kept me going, the best source of relief i have ever known. No love has ever been as unconditional and absolute as yours. No lament ever as painful as the loss of the one True Friend. You were my guide, my savior. I don't know how long I can continue without you.


Update to the Requiem2004-08-07 14:26:35 ET

It has been almost a week since Aleister has been put down. In the past week, he has been up to his same old tricks that he was known for when alive.

More times than I can count, have there been a flash of those eyes from a black heap somewhere around the appartment.

Before becoming sick a few weeks back, one of his favorite tricks was to lay in/on something all black and become almost invisable when he closed his eyes, and quite a shock to the system when you saw them open from out of (what you before thought was) nowhere.

Also, he was my own personal "Black Hole"... In typical feline form, he would instinctivly know what you would need before you did, and proceed to lay down on it, making it unfindable...

Let's just say, not only does he hide things now, but he seems to enjoy being invisable so you can't look for what you've lost by finding the cat and checking under him.

He also had an afffinity for hunting, especially birds (he was known to come home with ALL KINDS of animals, usually still alive, baffeling everyone because he has been declawed both front and back, since he was 6 months old... Once, he even came home with a three foot Iguana in his mouth, back in Florida)

Well, we hung a bird feeder outside our window, (having seen birds in the trees all around) several days before Aleister passed. We have not seen one bird actually feeding from it, though several have been seen FRANTICLY trying to fly away from it. We think he's either sitting on the roof or on a branch, stalking them.

There are also several other odd little coincidences, but you get the picture. Had it just been myself having these experiances, I would chalk it all up to 7 years of sentementality making me see my departed friend in almost EVERYTHING around me. (Similar to how one see's the object of your immence love in practivly everything after having your heart broken) This has not been the case, however. There have been far too many people that have witnessed his 'post-mortem antics'.

What really confirms everything in my mind, is the day he was put down. Not only was he seen and felt innumerable times that night, reminding us he's still around, but what I FELT at the vet's is what convinces me. As he was 'fading' after the shot of Pentobarbitol, I could feel his body pass, and yet, his 'Presence' did not fade in the slightest. It stayed with me, as if he was trotting behind me as he so loved to do, throughout the funural, burial, and the rest of the day. It has lessened somewhat in the proceeding days, but more becoming aloof again, back to his old ways before getting sick, than of "leaving" or "fading out"... He's still as much around, just not all the time now. He goes and has his fun too, knowing that we are surviving without him (always being the over-protective one).

New pictures of his last week will be scanned and posted in the near future.

Thanks so much for all of the sympathy and condolances, it has meant alot. He truly touched everyone who ever knew him.

"...You may say that I'm a dreamer. Well, I'm not the only one. I hope some day you'll join us. And the world will live as one..."

We shall love you forever, and your Enlightened ways and lessons will never be forgotten, our little 'feline-guru'.

1 comment

A Farewell to my Best Friend2004-07-30 21:45:57 ET

Requiem for Aleister

The moon is full and Sirius has risen, the ‘Dog-Days’ are upon us. The sun has just entered into Leo, the Sign of my birth, the Sign you came to me under. All positive sighs, a “good omen”, for a wonderful Passing.

My heart is heavy and my soul aches. The best friend I’ve ever had is leaving this life. Though I knew he would breach the ‘Great Void’ before me, I always thought we would have more time than this.

Your weight on my lap, your demands for attention, your grumpiness, your ‘Hedonistic-Gluttony”, your troublemaking, and most of all your unconditional love will be missed more than I could ever put into words.

I am thankful for our time together (7 years, a Magick number for a Magickal cat), thankful for the pest companion one could ever ask for., thankful you could show your love and showing you know how loved you really are.

All my love to you, my Son, my Guardian, my “Bud”, my Aleister, my baby boy. I love you more than I thought would ever be possible. Know this: my love, like yours, is eternal.

Fare thee well my Sweet Prince. Know that you will be missed and never forgotten. All my Love, my Life, to thee!


May the peace and love of the Dharma bless you, keep you, and lead you to Enlightenment.




Consulting the Oracle2004-07-16 14:33:04 ET

My spiritual yearnings have returned. I have been reading quite a bit, and feeling totally unsatisfied with the "Secular or Corporeal" world; aka: "The world of Maya (Illusion).

I think I am going to go through a bout of "Consulting Oracles" or Divination (not trying to see the future, or have any specifc questions answered; just in dire need of a "signpost" or a "marker in the path", to be shown some direction.)

I went to a Natural Grocer around here, that sells bulk herbs, and stocked up on some Mugwort (hoping for, if not an increase in divinatory abilities, at least a little bit of good Lucid Dreaming to work things out in).

I also just recently found my stash of Salvia Divinorum (Oracle Sally as she is so fodly refered to, as well as my favorite euphamism for her) which has been lost since before moving into my new place.

[OH! If anyone has any experiance with either of these herbs, please message me to share a bit. Always wonderful to compare notes with someone who's been where you'be been and where you are looking to go again]

Been hiking in the woods lately; being in a somewhat more temperate climate now, instead of tropical, I am keeping my eyes peeled for Amanita mushrooms in the woods. Also now wondering if I can grow San Pedro anymore because of the cold (though I'm almost sure Peruvian Torch is hardy enough), but REALLY wishing I could get my hands on some "buttons" instead. Mescalito is the true oracle I need to ?see? (experiance, perhaps...), well, in any case, have contact with. Hoping something will come my way to allow a trip out to visit my friends in Arizona so we can all drive south into the deasert for a search (and if successful, a "Communion").

May the Peace and Love of the Dharma bless you, keep you, and lead you to the 'Path of Enlightenment'.

The endless compassion of humanity2004-06-06 19:34:54 ET

It's so good to see that I could have fallen off the face of the earth without anyone noticing. The concern of others really is so overwhelming sometimes, really it is.

May the Peace and Love of the Dharma bless you and show you Truth.


lost, and probably forgotten2004-04-18 14:19:44 ET

::::News Brief::::

Still haven't figured out my way around this place, and the roads are beginning to really annoy me...

Steve (my dearly departed sister's old smoke connection) is turning out to, not only as expected be a little weasel, but VERY unreliable as well. Seen him twice in a month, and only once did he bring anything over. He seems only concerned in my sister's pain-meds for her back, and my amphetimines for my ADD.

Have yet to meet anyone here, make a single friend, etc...

The job market here is EVEN WORSE than it was in Florida, still hunting, having driven probably 1500 miles back and forth looking for work, and faxed out well over 100 resumes, in the short month I've been here.

The climate is BEAUTIFUL and I love seeing Spring for the first time (we had no real seasons in Florida, the two we did have being: Hurricane, and Tourist)

Have heard sirens maybe three times in the month I've been here, as opposed to that many every 15mins in Florida.

Downloaded a whole mess of Lenny Bruce, and am quite enjoying it; as well as Vicki's turning me, even more, onto Abbott and Costello.

Haven't been able to keep in touch with hardly anyone I talked to before the move, and actually having time to putz around online to me has become SUCH a rare privilege (the computer being used now for mostly job-hunting along with printing and faxing resumes).

Feeling rather isolated in a foreign place. The effects being both positive and negative.

Synchronisities seem to be 'abounding' these days, even moreso than I'm used to (which is alot when you've "turned-on")

Coupled with the Sychronistic happenings, and the Natural Beauty, I've never felt more spiritually alive and at the same time because of the stress, isolation and constant preoccupation with trying to survive, I've never felt more spiritually hindered.

My fingers hurt from typing, and I'm going to go now. ta-ta.


A Lament over my departed Ocean, and a Rejoice over my new Forest.2004-03-29 18:06:46 ET

The rythmic churning of the sea,
waves breaking on the shore,
an ancient lullabye,
soothing the souls of all who hear it,
just like it has for millions of others,
since the dawn of time.
And the air,
clean and crisp,
with a hint of sweetness to it,
filled with energy and magick,
and the echoing voices,
of all those who came before me...


She stands there at the edge of the woods,
Bathed in moonlight,
The sliver light reflecting off her skin,
Causing her eyes to glow.
She turns, feeling my stare,
Though she looks directly at me,
I am still unseen,
My only friend, darkness, conceals me.
There is a faint breeze,
Ruffling her hair,
Blowing her scent to me,
Raising the hair on the back of my neck.


Update2004-03-24 06:18:52 ET

Got Evicted and Relocated to NC very suddenly. Settled in, for at least a month.

You can get a hold of me at:
Samuel Safran
5005 B Tower Rd.
Greensboro, NC

Just looking for work, and resting after the strain of moving... fun, fun, fun...


Oh!2004-03-09 07:29:36 ET

For now, while the account is still active, if everyone who wants could e-mail me at their contact information, etc.. so i can get in touch with everyone when i get back online, or perhaps even send out some old fassioned mail.

1 comment's been a long time coming....2004-03-09 07:16:22 ET

....well everyone, i must announce my expulsion from my current domicile.... i am packing everything up by friday, and are going to be on the move, probably to North Carolina (at least for a while). I am not sure how my internet connections will be, but anyone who wants to get in touch with me, can reach me at (for now) and if all else fails, i have hotmail at and Yahoo mail at ....hopefully i'll be able to post again before friday, but after then, not sure when i can really get back on. i shall miss everyone. those who are special to me know how i feel about them, so i need not go into any 'mushyness', suffice to say that they remember my feelings shall never change. you shall all be in my thoughts, and please keep me in your prayers.


excerpt from the Principia Discordia2004-02-06 14:17:39 ET

by Camden Benares, The Count of Five, Headmaster, Camp Meeker Cabal

A serious young man found the conflicts of mid 20th Century America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled.
One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master said to him, "go to the dilapidated mansion you will find at this address which I have written down for you. Do not speak to those who live there; you must remain silent until the moon rises tomorrow night. Go to the large room on the right of the main hallway, sit in the lotus position on top of the rubble in the northeast corner, face the corner, and meditate."

He did just as the Zen Master instructed. His meditation was frequently interrupted by worries. He worried whether or not the rest of the plumbing fixtures would fall from the second floor bathroom to join the pipes and other trash he was sitting on. He worried how would he know when the moon rose on the next night. He worried about what the people who walked through the room said about him.

His worrying and meditation were disturbed when, as if in a test of his faith, ordure fell from the second floor onto him. At that time two people walked into the room. The first asked the second who the man was sitting there was. The second replied "Some say he is a holy man. Others say he is a shithead."
Hearing this, the man was enlightened.

Western Union Telegram
To: Jehova Yahweh
Care: Celestial Hotel (Suite #666)
Presidential Tier, Paradise
Dear God;
This is to inform you that your current position as deity is herewith terminated
due to gross incompetence STOP Your check will be mailed STOP Please do not use me for a reference
Malaclypse the Younger/Omnibenevolent Polyfather
POEE High Priest'

elaboration2004-01-28 06:07:14 ET

A wiser man than I once said: `That which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger'....

Well, I seem to have an after-text to that: `That which doesn't kill the writer, only goes to serve as subject matter'.



killing time, sharing old catharsis2004-01-27 14:01:53 ET

(title to remain confidential)

How I look back to those summers long ago.... Summers when we frolicked together like innocent children, so free from our usual worries, acting our age for such a short time.

All too soon my bliss would be cut short, leaving me once again hopelessly alone, and wracked with despair.

I fancied myself cursed. Surely others my age were allowed childhood for more than just a handful of brief moments every few years. To be exposed to her radiance and then go without for so long was sheer torment. A state resembling that of a prisoner allowed only to see sunlight for a brief time each year.

So precious are my memories of our time together... Trying to hide from everyone, watching movies, skinny-dipping, staying up all night talking, sharing our dreams....

Yes, I was truly cursed. The curse of having your dreams come true, but being shortsighted in your wish. I had wished only for happiness and intimacy, never including the clause that it mustn't be fleeting.

The same salty, hot tears flow as when I thought of her then; crying myself to sleep, every contour of her face still fresh in my mind.

The same jagged sobs come, though those summers, and our youthful innocence has long faded.


Poetry from a long-lost and once forgotten notebook, recently discovered; totally unedited.2004-01-26 21:07:15 ET

The World Stops
`The world stops spinning, and you feel your heart throb. You feel her skin as well as you feel yours. You feel `through' her skin. You want to scream, laugh, sob all at the same time.

Knowing with every fibre of your being that you were made for her arms; the longing, the ache in your soul becomes unbearable. A night in her arms is your entire lifetime.

Everything inside of you calls out to her, sreams her name. All of this from a meeting of eyes and a smile, or a simple brush of her hand acrossed your flesh.'

Beneath my lips
`I long to feel her flesh beneath my lips.
The softness of her skin brushing acrossed my cheek.

My heart pounds in my chest,
When she is near,
My head spins,
I all but swoon

She fills me with such incredible passion
Her kiss is what I dream about

One caress from her is worth my life,
Though she does not even know my name.'

Take my hand
`Take my hand, my beautiful one
Come Share my quest with me
Let me shower you with my undying love
And help me through the cold lonely nights.

I know I don't deserve your love
You're so beautiful and innocent, radient and pure
You are an Angel that walks among our filthy streets
A shining ray of light in a grey and blackened world.

And I, I am just a wretched poet without a trace of hope
A cursed man, abandoned by the gods and tormented by fate
A viruious man, who's virtue's have faded
A passionate man, who's soul has withered and shrank.

I cannot offer you gold or jewls
Nor land, nor money, nor status do i have
All i can offer is my eternal love
My to total devotion to you, my unending affection.

So walk with me along the path
Share in my life, and let me be yours
For though we may die without a cent to our name
No one could ever possibly love you like I.'

No one ever truely loves the Poet

`No one ever truely loves the Poet,
True, they may love his work,
They might even think they see him through his words,
But they only see what he willingly shows.
They never really see the awful wretchedness,
Caused by years of isolation and pain, Of being used and abused,
By giving freely of himself and never recieving anything but scorn.

No one sees the true desperation,
His cries for help all go unnoticed
Destined to go through live alone and miserable.

Even the very few who try to love him, they don't realize how much she needs.
Always seeming clingy or overly affectionate,
But they don't see just how alone he is.'


poee2004-01-26 19:42:11 ET

It's been a while, so i wanted to stop in and give a big, warm, FNORD!!, to everyone.



the old switch-a-roo2004-01-07 22:07:27 ET


What would you do if I told you I love you?
Would you cast me away like all the rest?
Or would you take my hand
And let me lead you into sweet oblivion,
Shower you in love,
Fill your soul with the warmth of affection,
Take you away and make you mine.
Please let me carry you off,
To an enchanted castle where we can be together,
Live happily ever after,
Let me be your noble prince
Your knight in shining armor.

two short, old poems (one actually rymes, wow)2004-01-07 09:50:44 ET

-Lost Soul-

I lost my soul
Today, she fled
She broke my heart, she left my bed
Now I'm lost and all alone
Since my most precious love is dead.

I lost my soul
My heart has died
I knashed my teeth, I wailed, I cried
Now I can't even stand myself
For when she left she broke my pride.

-Go On-

What do you do when you have a broken heart?
What do you do when everything reminds you of the one you love?
How do to carry on when you know you'll always love her.
How to go on living when you so badly need her touch.
1 comment

more dribble2004-01-06 00:16:00 ET

She lies there on the bed
The moonlight shining on her radiant skin
Totally oblivious to her overwhelming beauty

With a coy smile she teases him
The long-haired boy with the head full of poems
And a heart full of love and yearning

Not realizing that her kisses, to him, are more valuable than gold,
Or that making such tender yet passionate love, holds more worth to him than even his own life.


Select pictures from the Thoth deck, and a VERY old poem.2004-01-06 00:00:40 ET

Wasted Love

How many words have I wasted on unhearing ears?
How many times have I bore my soul, only to have it torn out when I least expect?

Wasted Love - Rivers of Tears,
I've suffered alone for too many years...

Wasted Love - Heart poured out in vain,
Where do you go when you can't kill the pain...

Where is my Goddess, my solace, my relief from this dark prison of isolation? The cool hand
to take away my fever?

I know she must be out there somewhere,
Though all I've had is Wasted Love....

(an old poem, i thought i'd share)

fodder2004-01-05 22:57:32 ET

"Do you love your country boy? Then get with the Team and hop on board for the Big Win. We are here because inside every Gook there is an American wanting to get out... these are hardball times.. we just have to keep our head's down untill this peace-craze blows over..."

"We're Golly Green Gints walking the Earth, with guns... these people we wasted here today, are the finest human beings we'll ever know... once we rotate back to the Real World, we're gonna miss not having anyone around worth shooting..."

helecopter machine-gunnist: "you should do a story on me.... 157 kills, and 50 water buffolows.. those are certified." joker man: "any of them women, or children?" MHG: "Sometimes...." JM: "How can you shoot women? and children??" MHG: "Easy, you just don't lead `em so much.... hahaha.. ain't war hell!"

"I wanted to see Exotic Viatnam, the Jewl of South-East Asia... I wanted to meet interesting and exotic people, and kill them.... I wanted to be the first kid on my block to get a confirmed kill...."


....america is the home of the hypocrate....2003-12-30 10:31:11 ET

"In your broken down kitchen at the top of the stairs
Can I mix in with your affairs
Share a smoke make a joke
Grasp and reach for a leg of hope
Words to memorize words hypnotize
Words make my mouth exercise
Words all fail the magic prize
Nothing I can say when I'm in your thighs"

:::::::::::favorite scene from Benny and Joon:::::::::::

Sam just finishes a big clowning 'act' in the park, and Benny, Joon, and himself are walking towards home.

Joon: That was incredible!! Did you have to go to school for that?

Sam: Oh.. No. They threw me OUT of school for that..


"Day after day
I get angry and I will say
That the day is in my sight
When I take a bow and say goodnight"


..gently weeps...2003-12-29 22:39:37 ET

"I don't know how you were diverted,
Someone perverted you.
I don't know how you were inverted,
No one alerted you..."

sometimes one is overwhelmed by the total isolation that is the human condition. even in the company of others, you are forever alone (perhaps one could argue that is true, besides times of 'mob mentality', or the 'mentally divergent, who feel they are 'not alone'). it is in those times, when one is filled with melancholy, that beauty becomes simply a slap in the face, a cruel joke; that even spiritual rapture seems like only a wish-fantasy. it's times like these when one's sick humor is all that fuels the ability to carry on.

ask me if i believe in god, and my answer at the moment would have to be: no, but i don't think god believes in me, much, either...

"...and your making me feel like i've never been born...."

ah, fuck it....


7 comments may say that i'm a dreamer....2003-12-27 01:13:34 ET

hell, how long do projections say it would take for a virus to spread around the globe? 72hrs? 96hrs? we're talking quick...

.... and infection happens, one person at a time.... can change....

....with the forms of instant communication, all over the globe, that we have set up, 'awakening' could spread that fast; could sweep the globe as fast as a virus; not just an epedemic, a pandemic: of 'awakening', of higher-consciousness....

(or maybe i'm just out of my gourd, who knows?)



still alive. sometimes, at least.2003-12-14 01:27:09 ET

Sleep it all away;
Lose myself in dark oblivion;
Hoping to find myself, once again
In your arms.


general pouting2003-11-11 18:40:09 ET

well, breaking into cars is fun, and i certianly don't mind riding around all day... but... my jeep doesn't have a/c (and yes, it's still sweltering here down in florida); or a tape deck or anything, and the stations around here suck, not to mention it's all talk in the mornings anyway.

and yeah, i'm a nocturnal person by nature.. this getting up early shit doesn't ride too well. shit, even the sun gets to sleep in later than i do.

ok, done now, must sleep for another early day.. ick

(Oh, and i found out that there has been a major dent put in my potential social life.. more on that later)


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